Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them - can others relate?

[Anonymous]

And it is healthy to mourn the father or relationship you never had with him. But that is 100% due to him and his developmental limits.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in mid-life and I am having similar feelings - about both of my parents. Except my parents were somewhat abusive as well. But they provided for us, they sacrificed a lot to give us better lives.

For me it is because, after becoming a parent myself, I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent, and am learning how important emotional connection is. But really, this is a fairly modern idea and expectation for parent-child relationships. And I will never have that ideal emotional connection with my parents and it wasn't until recently that I accepted that and am ok with it. For a long time, I was angry and resentful and sad about it, and was holding onto hope that I could somehow change that before it was "too late". But I've come to realize that it will not happen - they are not capable of it, and honestly, it would be hard for me also.

You don't have to be emotionally attached. With my parents, it is more the practical things, and acts of service, that defines our bond. They know very little of my life, and I have limited knowledge of theirs. And really, that's ok. Not every parent-child relationship is that Hallmark version that you see in the movies or on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP again: This has all been really helpful, even the more critical responses. It’s like I’m seeing all of the various thoughts on this topic that would probably cycle through my brain eventually if I went through a long walk in the woods or something. Thanks, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Yup, BTDT, spent $5 on a therapist to better cope with difficult or F’d up family members, and now know half the DSM too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

Wow, you really suck. “Dad wasn’t as demonstrative as mom/didn’t share my interests like mom did, so I’m going to force him into a retirement community.”

Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Wow. So many nasty responses.

OP, I think you are missing your mom a ton and that your dad has never had to sustain a relationship with you, your siblings (if any), and your kids. And I think everything you feel is normal and justified.

I guess I'd take time and take stock of what sort or relationship you want with him. How much can you meet him where he is before you start resenting him. Don't take his call at dinner and be direct - "Dad, it's better for me to talk at 8pm."

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

[Anonymous]

You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

[Anonymous]

^ I also wanted to add that there may be an element of grief in your perspective.

You clearly loved and idolized your mom and may be looking at your father through a prism that he simply cannot live up to because - he's not your mom and you miss her terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in mid-life and I am having similar feelings - about both of my parents. Except my parents were somewhat abusive as well. But they provided for us, they sacrificed a lot to give us better lives.

For me it is because, after becoming a parent myself, I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent, and am learning how important emotional connection is. But really, this is a fairly modern idea and expectation for parent-child relationships. And I will never have that ideal emotional connection with my parents and it wasn't until recently that I accepted that and am ok with it. For a long time, I was angry and resentful and sad about it, and was holding onto hope that I could somehow change that before it was "too late". But I've come to realize that it will not happen - they are not capable of it, and honestly, it would be hard for me also.

You don't have to be emotionally attached. With my parents, it is more the practical things, and acts of service, that defines our bond. They know very little of my life, and I have limited knowledge of theirs. And really, that's ok. Not every parent-child relationship is that Hallmark version that you see in the movies or on social media.

thanks for this. Not OP, but relate to this very much.

[Anonymous]

I adored my mom when I was a kid, even early teen. Then the usual teenager stuff. As an adult I've gone from love/affection to obligatory care. As I've matured, her character flaws and destructive tendencies have become clearer to me. She is 90+ w/dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Yeah I bet he spent tons of time and mind share thinking that. being so impressed by his loving, caring wife that he just simply decided he had nothing to add or so for his family. What a victim.

Let’s all twist ourselves into a double knotted pretzel to believe that BS for 40+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I also wanted to add that there may be an element of grief in your perspective.

You clearly loved and idolized your mom and may be looking at your father through a prism that he simply cannot live up to because - he's not your mom and you miss her terribly.

Dude, she had a normal caring mom and a distant father.

No idolizing of normal necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.