Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them - can others relate?
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Anonymous
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My mom died a few years ago and I get along fine with my dad but have no real emotional connection or attachment to him. He’s not awful or even bad, but just not someone I connect with. I’m curious if others have any of the following dynamics in their family.
I was very close with my mom. Dad never had a mean bone in his body but also never did much with my sibling and me growing up, like reading bedtime stories, playing games….that was all mom. He naturally puts his comfort and interests and needs before those of others. Like, he would watch a different show or movie from the one the rest of us were watching because he wasn’t interested in ours. And he never joined a board game with us because, again, he wasn’t interested. He lives a few hours away and I talk to him on the phone a lot, but it’s often to help him with stuff because he’s pretty clueless about finances, paperwork, etc. Mom did all that too. So he’s always been kind of needy and not great at understanding how to account for others’ needs. He is outgoing and has friends, but just not good and seeing things through others’ eyes. Like he’ll call a dinner time and want to start talking about what he did that day without thinking at all about how that is a crazy time in a house with young kids. He’ll be oblivious even if he can hear craziness in the background. He’ll end a call with me telling me to “say hi” to them but is extremely superficial about them and couldn’t tell you really a thing about them. Mom adored them. He was similar with my mom, telling her all his problems and needs but not having a true understanding or care about hers, even if he was performative about loving her. I read so many horror stories about families of origin here and have come to appreciate my dad, because he’s never intentionally cruel or unkind. I can point to many flaws of his, but I know it could have been far worse. I feel guilty for my lack of feelings for him. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, you’re incredibly lucky and should learn to be grateful. Maybe therapy for you? |
Anonymous
| You expect too much |
Anonymous
| Wow - very accusatory to say he was performative in his love. Sometimes you have to learn to accept people for who they are. |
Anonymous
| It sucks that you had such an amazing relationship with your mom such that anything he does won’t be enough. But it doesn’t actually suck! You were so blessed to have an uncommonly close relationship with your mom - don’t allow your disappointment to derail your relationship with your dad. Unless there’s something you’re not mentioning, you come across as a little entitled. You don’t “deserve” flawless relationships with anyone. |
Anonymous
| Sorry we’re being harsh, OP. I think that you might just have expectations that are too high. All the best to you and your dad! |
Anonymous
| I think it's natural to be disappointed about a mediocre parental relationship, especially when your other one was so strong. |
Anonymous
But shouldn’t the person experiencing disappointment try to work on that? You can’t change other people. |
Anonymous
OP here - Honestly I really appreciate it. I figured that sharing this here would be a good way to get a genuine sense of how reasonable I am or am not being. |
Anonymous
PP: I’m so glad you didn’t find it offensive! I think it’s awesome that you have high expectations - go you! I should be more like you! But it is important to realize that you can’t change anyone but yourself. You’re being very introspective and I think you’ll be just fine! So sorry for the loss of your mom and that it’s difficult not getting that emotional connection with your dad. All the best to you, OP! |
Anonymous
| It is fine to be closer to one parent than another. I’m not sure why you are concerned about this. And just don’t answer your phone at dinner time. |
Anonymous
| OP, don't feel guilty. Parental relationships are tricky and no one has to be over the moon about a parent. Your dad is who he is, sounds like you've accepted that, and it's a wonderful gift that you had such a close relationship with your mom. |
Anonymous
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People on this thread are insane.
A connection is not created by blood relations. They require give and take, love and compassion. Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection. Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection. I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in. |
Anonymous
Yes, your Dad sounds like a nice guy but a mediocre parent.. and your cordial but not particularly emotionally close relationship sounds like the logical result, not some sort of anomaly. I actually think it makes sense to be clear-eyed about his limits--not so you can beat him up or yourself--but so you can temper your expectations about what he is really capable of offering and draw reasonable boundaries to preserve your time and emotional energy. |
Anonymous
I’m hoping this is just a generational thing where you dad was raised and believed that all he needed to do as a father and spouse was “provide” a paycheck. And thus expected or forced your mom to be the housekeeper, cook, raise the kids, play everything. Look for a different model and mate for you. Not all men just sit around when home. You are very astute in your post and see things clearly for what they are: he is self-centered Don’t expect this to change, build a good support network that does like to talk and can provide emotional support Finally, sorry for the loss of your mom. I know holidays can bring feelings up. She sounded like a strong and caring woman. You likely brought her great joy. |