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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom died a few years ago and I get along fine with my dad but have no real emotional connection or attachment to him. He’s not awful or even bad, but just not someone I connect with. I’m curious if others have any of the following dynamics in their family.

I was very close with my mom. Dad never had a mean bone in his body but also never did much with my sibling and me growing up, like reading bedtime stories, playing games….that was all mom. He naturally puts his comfort and interests and needs before those of others. Like, he would watch a different show or movie from the one the rest of us were watching because he wasn’t interested in ours. And he never joined a board game with us because, again, he wasn’t interested.

He lives a few hours away and I talk to him on the phone a lot, but it’s often to help him with stuff because he’s pretty clueless about finances, paperwork, etc. Mom did all that too. So he’s always been kind of needy and not great at understanding how to account for others’ needs. He is outgoing and has friends, but just not good and seeing things through others’ eyes. Like he’ll call a dinner time and want to start talking about what he did that day without thinking at all about how that is a crazy time in a house with young kids. He’ll be oblivious even if he can hear craziness in the background. He’ll end a call with me telling me to “say hi” to them but is extremely superficial about them and couldn’t tell you really a thing about them. Mom adored them.

He was similar with my mom, telling her all his problems and needs but not having a true understanding or care about hers, even if he was performative about loving her.

I read so many horror stories about families of origin here and have come to appreciate my dad, because he’s never intentionally cruel or unkind. I can point to many flaws of his, but I know it could have been far worse. I feel guilty for my lack of feelings for him. [/quote]

Hello,
I’ve watched my now adult children go through stages of what you are going though and realizing. Their father had a couple disorders which resulted in introversion, coming home and “decompressing”, poor to no verbal communication, and temper tantrums when “overloaded,” usually by basic stuff. He needed a simple life to best cope.

We both worked, and I had to do everything on the home front and child front and he tagged along when he felt like it. Usually when outsiders were involved he’d do his performance routine for them. This was NOT what I signed up for when marrying or having children, not how my father or brothers were. They all noticed his “differences” too, and helped me along helping as they could - larger group vacations, doing dad stuff with my kids, etc.

Re the kids. When little they kept bidding for attention from him. once in awhile he’d provide it, not answering their request but by goofing around for 5 mins. I’d have to structure things for them to do- read them them book, take them to this museum, play this board game, go on that hike. If I didn’t do that they’d all watch tv or do what they did yesterday. There was no emotionally supportive discussions, he knew very little about their hopes, dreams, worries, schooling, teams, troubles… unless I “filled him in.”  Which was pointless as he’d have nothing to add or suggest or have a back and forget convo on.

Once in upper elementary, the kids realized they could trick dad into anything they wanted if I wasn’t around- buy this, let’s eat donuts again, I know how to do this and that and messes and accidents would ensue. And bad habits - slobs, don’t eat well, forget homework.

Anyhow, he’s kind of just there. Takes lots of pics if he is around, since he’s always on his phone a lot. It’s his safe place. Pretending to be busy so he’s left alone.

Applying to college time we had lots of fights. He couldn’t make sense of anything. Or why the kids played a sport or took music lessons. Or why go to camp.

He really could never see anything perspective or someone’s needs or even understand something told to him unless he had happened to experience it himself. Which is rare for many people not just homebodies.

The kids keep bidding for attention though. You want attention and love and care from each parent. So you keep hoping and you keep trying. Even abusive fathers kids keep trying. Maybe dad will spend time with me, and be a dad.[/quote]

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