Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them - can others relate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane.

A connection is not created by blood relations.

They require give and take, love and compassion.

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection.

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection.

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in.

I have an idea! How about OP quits her job, never gets married, never has kids and just takes care of her delinquent father for the next 30 years!
This.

This thread is objectively horrifying. Here we have a nice enough dad, someone who is a recent widow, someone who never abused his kids, who did his best to parent despite his background. And still DCUM’s advice is to “cut him off“ by sending him to a retirement community.

Whatever happened to grace and compassion. In every relationship any of us have ever been in, we need to let the other person know what we can do and what we can’t do. We don’t institutionalized them if they fall short.

One person said that. It wasn’t “DCUM’s advice.” Way to flatten a really nuanced topic.

At least three people said “this” or “+1” to institutionalizing dad. Way to minimize facts.

You realize that poster said more than find a retirement community? Which the posters could have been agreeing with.

So “+1000” poster meant “except the retirement community” thing but just didn’t type that? Sure.

[Anonymous]

I have an idea!

How about OP quits her job, never gets married, never has kids and just takes care of her delinquent father for the next 30 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are insane. SOME ARE, AGREE

A connection is not created by blood relations. CORRECT

They require give and take, love and compassion. CORRECT

Your dad does not provide that, therefore you do not have a connection. TRUE for OP, be doesn’t truly connect with other humans

Your mom raised a good person so you help out where you need to but not out of great affection. CORRECT

I’d work on getting him into an over 55 community so as his needs increase you don’t get sucked in. LOOK AROUND, it’s be good for his and your mental health. His learned helplessness and the enablement/codependency should be their burden. Otherwise, DRAW BOUNDARIES and don’t get sucked into his fake neediness. Keep your job, your husband, your kids, your life as top priorities. Do the visit granola schedule once a week or bimonthly, invite him to relevant kid bday sorties, concerts, games once in awhile. Treat him and expect him to be a capable adult. He’s not mentally or physically disabled, he needs to get it together. It doesn’t sound like he’s mourning his wife, it sounds like he’s always been this way. I hate to say it, but should he date to find a new target, I mean woman to care for him?

Your mom was a saint Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your mom ever say anything about him or his capabilities? Or hint that he’d need extra care or understanding?

OP: Yes, definitely. That could be the subject of a whole separate thread. Fortunately I am in therapy and can continue processing all this stuff outside of DCUM.

It’s been nice especially to hear from the posters who say they can relate.

I really get that it’s important to be grateful for what you have. I try to spend most of my time focusing on the good. But it is always helpful to examine the patterns and norms we grew up with and how they affect us, for better or for worse.

As an adult, I realized that while my father loves my mother and loves us, he is deeply, deeply selfish. So he doesn’t “see” us, since that would require not being selfish.

Your example about your dad making a desert for your mother and it being something she never ordered for herself really struck home - that’s exactly what my father would do.

For me, having a father/parent who loves me but never was really looking out for me (while my mother was an amazing parent - not perfect, but a really good parent) made it hard to believe I didn’t have to protect myself/look out for myself with people who love me. It was an issue I had to work through in my own relationships with SO, since I found myself being ok with men who loved me but didn’t look out for me. I see, too, that my mother loves my father, but knows she has to look out for her own interests because he always puts himself first (again, not in a jerk-way, just in a deeply selfish way). In my current marriage I struggle with being vulnerable with my spouse, but not with my close friends or my kids.

So while I am thankful that my father/parents provided me with a stable home, and good morals, a happy home, etc., my mother is the one who provided me with emotional security, love, and intimacy (obviously in a non-romantic sense). It’s not surprising I feel so close to her and not very close with my father. All those little selfish actions add up over the years - I understand where I fit in his life.

I actually wonder how much I would speak to my father if my mother passes away first - I have called him maybe one time every year, while I call my mom all the time. I do text both of them regularly to share pictures of my kids. I’m not sure if I will be sad when he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your mom ever say anything about him or his capabilities? Or hint that he’d need extra care or understanding?

OP: Yes, definitely. That could be the subject of a whole separate thread. Fortunately I am in therapy and can continue processing all this stuff outside of DCUM.

It’s been nice especially to hear from the posters who say they can relate.

I really get that it’s important to be grateful for what you have. I try to spend most of my time focusing on the good. But it is always helpful to examine the patterns and norms we grew up with and how they affect us, for better or for worse.

As an adult, I realized that while my father loves my mother and loves us, he is deeply, deeply selfish. So he doesn’t “see” us, since that would require not being selfish.

Your example about your dad making a desert for your mother and it being something she never ordered for herself really struck home - that’s exactly what my father would do.

For me, having a father/parent who loves me but never was really looking out for me (while my mother was an amazing parent - not perfect, but a really good parent) made it hard to believe I didn’t have to protect myself/look out for myself with people who love me. It was an issue I had to work through in my own relationships with SO, since I found myself being ok with men who loved me but didn’t look out for me. I see, too, that my mother loves my father, but knows she has to look out for her own interests because he always puts himself first (again, not in a jerk-way, just in a deeply selfish way). In my current marriage I struggle with being vulnerable with my spouse, but not with my close friends or my kids.

So while I am thankful that my father/parents provided me with a stable home, and good morals, a happy home, etc., my mother is the one who provided me with emotional security, love, and intimacy (obviously in a non-romantic sense). It’s not surprising I feel so close to her and not very close with my father. All those little selfish actions add up over the years - I understand where I fit in his life.

I actually wonder how much I would speak to my father if my mother passes away first - I have called him maybe one time every year, while I call my mom all the time. I do text both of them regularly to share pictures of my kids. I’m not sure if I will be sad when he dies.

OP here one last time: Thank you for this post. I’m sorry for what you’ve struggled with, but it was truly helpful to read all this.

Thanks to everyone else, as well. I’ve never appreciated DCUM so much.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is similar in ways. This is an eye opener from the adult perspective. I always wonder what my kids will think of him when they're grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH is similar in ways. This is an eye opener from the adult perspective. I always wonder what my kids will think of him when they're grown.

Same here. I’m totally propping him up in their eyes and everyone’s eyes. But he’s like a bump in a log when home.

Luckily I’m too busy with work, friends and the kids to deal with it head on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH is similar in ways. This is an eye opener from the adult perspective. I always wonder what my kids will think of him when they're grown.

Same here. I’m totally propping him up in their eyes and everyone’s eyes. But he’s like a bump in a log when home.

Luckily I’m too busy with work, friends and the kids to deal with it head on.

Lucky for whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH is similar in ways. This is an eye opener from the adult perspective. I always wonder what my kids will think of him when they're grown.

Same here. I’m totally propping him up in their eyes and everyone’s eyes. But he’s like a bump in a log when home.

Luckily I’m too busy with work, friends and the kids to deal with it head on.

Lucky for whom?

Lucky for my sanity I have other orbits of life that actually interact and are rewarding.

Lucky for him as he continues the charade of Family Man, Husband, Home owner.

Not lucky for the kids but better than Disney dad, Screen time dad, Donut dad, Angry dad half the month.