Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them - can others relate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if dad is/was depressed. Also, you mentioned that he didn’t have good role models and managed to overcome that to some extent, if not perfectly. That’s actually something.

None of this is justification for packing him off to a retirement community, though, as pp’s suggest. Good God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

Honestly OP, I think you have a case of misplaced grief over your mother and are dumping it on your father. He was of another generation and he worked, cooked, took you to lessons, and came from a difficult background. What exactly did you/do you want from him? To walk on water? I suggest you find a grief counseling group and work through these feelings. Because if you don't, a few years from now you may be posting on her about how badly you miss your now-deceased father and wish you could have him back.

[Anonymous]

^ P.S. Maybe the dessert thing was something special between this man and woman. You know them as parents but they were a couple first.

NO ONE else can know exactly what happens in an intimate (meaning, not just sexual) relationship between two people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel guilty. Parental relationships are tricky and no one has to be over the moon about a parent. Your dad is who he is, sounds like you've accepted that, and it's a wonderful gift that you had such a close relationship with your mom.

Yes, your Dad sounds like a nice guy but a mediocre parent.. and your cordial but not particularly emotionally close relationship sounds like the logical result, not some sort of anomaly. I actually think it makes sense to be clear-eyed about his limits--not so you can beat him up or yourself--but so you can temper your expectations about what he is really capable of offering and draw reasonable boundaries to preserve your time and emotional energy.

This is how I feel about both of my parents. They weren’t bad parents at all but not particularly good parents either. They mostly did their own thing and ignored me. I formed tight bonds with my childhood friends, who as an adult, I still consider my real family. I’m cordial with my parents but don’t feel connected or close to either.

[Anonymous]

OP, your dad is probably mourning and trying to figure out this new relationship too. So give him some help. Tell him that calling you at 6pm is a no-go, but you'd love to talk to him at 10pm 1-2-3 times a week or at whatever time and however often works for you.

And then tell him about your kids and make sure he listens. You complain that he knows nothing about them, but he won't learn if you don't tell him anything and hang up after 5 mins during his dinner-time calls. You might be surprised at how he acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

Sounds like my husband. Won’t do anything proactive, or that needs to be done. Only does a task if someone asks him each time.
It’s exhausting and inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

Read up on NT/AS (neurotypical/ aspergers) or having a parent on the spectrum. Just see if anything jives, symptom or behavior-wise.

[Anonymous]

Did your mom ever say anything about him or his capabilities? Or hint that he’d need extra care or understanding?

[Anonymous]

My mom died a few years ago and I get along fine with my dad but have no real emotional connection or attachment to him. He’s not awful or even bad, but just not someone I connect with. I’m curious if others have any of the following dynamics in their family.

My dad was very much the same way. I loved him so much, but we really had such a flimsy connection to one another. It makes sense to me that you feel no deep emotional connection to him, because he doesn't show a deep emotional connection to you. It's natural that when someone has taken care of your needs but not shown much interest in you, as a person, that you might feel disconnected.

I think you are getting frustrated by wanting your father to see[i] YOU and your kids when he doesn't seem able to, but also having him seem to want you to see HIM, to attend to his needs/thoughts/etc. And then you feel guilty for being frustrated and wanting more. This is a kind of grief, too--wanting something different, more nourishing than what we have. You can appreciate your dad for all he has given you and who he is, and at the same time also wish he were different, MORE.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sorry for my messed up formatting above. The bottom part should be the comment, the top the quote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your mom ever say anything about him or his capabilities? Or hint that he’d need extra care or understanding?

OP: Yes, definitely. That could be the subject of a whole separate thread. Fortunately I am in therapy and can continue processing all this stuff outside of DCUM.

It’s been nice especially to hear from the posters who say they can relate.

I really get that it’s important to be grateful for what you have. I try to spend most of my time focusing on the good. But it is always helpful to examine the patterns and norms we grew up with and how they affect us, for better or for worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mom died a few years ago and I get along fine with my dad but have no real emotional connection or attachment to him. He’s not awful or even bad, but just not someone I connect with. I’m curious if others have any of the following dynamics in their family.

My dad was very much the same way. I loved him so much, but we really had such a flimsy connection to one another. It makes sense to me that you feel no deep emotional connection to him, because he doesn't show a deep emotional connection to you. It's natural that when someone has taken care of your needs but not shown much interest in you, as a person, that you might feel disconnected.

I think you are getting frustrated by wanting your father to see[i] YOU and your kids when he doesn't seem able to, but also having him seem to want you to see HIM, to attend to his needs/thoughts/etc. And then you feel guilty for being frustrated and wanting more. This is a kind of grief, too--wanting something different, more nourishing than what we have. You can appreciate your dad for all he has given you and who he is, and at the same time also wish he were different, MORE.

Really appreciate this post, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated. If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out.

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps.

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him.

Honestly OP, I think you have a case of misplaced grief over your mother and are dumping it on your father. He was of another generation and he worked, cooked, took you to lessons, and came from a difficult background. What exactly did you/do you want from him? To walk on water? I suggest you find a grief counseling group and work through these feelings. Because if you don't, a few years from now you may be posting on her about how badly you miss your now-deceased father and wish you could have him back.

NP. OP, don't let this poster trivialize your very valid points. There are many shades of gray in between what you describe and expecting your dad "walk on water".

Your dad was and is limited in his ability to reciprocate in a relationship. You can accept that while still loving him. You can have a relationship with him while still having boundaries about how much of a caregiver you wish to be.

If you want to go to therapy, that's great, but I don't think you are grieving your mom inappropriately. You had a relationship with her and you miss her. You will not be as close with your dad because he doesn't have relationships like that with people. It doesn't make him bad.