Reply to Parent is not a bad person but still not emotionally attached to them

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You had a very close bond with your mother. Perhaps your father felt there was no room for him.

Right or wrong, he may have seen your mom as the uber-parent and felt lacking so he retreated.  If he is not by nature an affectionate person seeing the rest of you bonding may have kept him as the odd man out. [/quote]

Lots of people unfortunately have check-the-box father FIGURES. That’s all they’ll ever be, a figure. In name only.

They don’t teach or coach or help or connect with or support their children or adult children emotionally or in practice. At most they good around with their kid like a/he’s an accessory or a 2 yo.
They’re mainly concerned about their ego and image outside of the home and focus on work and male friends.

It’s a form of misogyny. As is blaming a (likely neglected by him) mother for picking up all the slack and doing the role two involved parents, sole homeowner, and maybe even having to care for him. Now OPs dad is parentifying her- pay my bills, so my errands, clean my house, answer my calls.

Yuck. He never grew up or into an adult role. Sorry.  [/quote]

It must be exhausting to hate on your parents so endlessly and deeply. Although it clearly gives you room to exercise wild imaginative leaps. [/quote]

I know right?!! Good god. People have provided some insights for OP to think about and this poster goes ballistic. An obvious misandrist who is in need of a psychiatrist.

Back to OP's father. Since she has not given details about the type of work/background/family/religion he came from, that's something to consider. Was he a war vet? Was he in a blue collar job where he was physically drained by the end of the day? Did he come from a background where the marriages were not of equals?  [/quote]

OP again: These responses give me a lot to think about in trying to analyze my feelings about all this.

It’s not quite the right picture to think about him as letting her do it all. He cooked a lot, took us to lessons, etc. So that’s where I feel guilty and can see how I would seem entitled. He had really bad examples in home life growing up and definitely managed to rise above that.

But, I’m also reminded about what bothers me. Both parents worked as professionals, and dad got home BEFORE mom, but still didn’t do any of the bedtime routine or watch a show with us or something. Any means of showing concern for us tended to lack self-awareness of whether he was really thinking about us. Like, he’d always make the very same dessert for mom on a special occasion without recognizing that she never chose that kind of dessert when given a choice and never considering what she really did prefer.

I think part of it is that I just struggle to understand him. [/quote]

Less than standard marriage and involvement for sure.

Go be the best person, friend, co-worker, spouse, and parent you can be.

This is not a matter of he wanted abusive or a drunk or walking out, this was it’s own form of neglect, immaturity, and ignorance.

Why? Doesn’t matter. The feeling and effect on his family is the same. You don’t have to accept his poor behaviors, but you do have to accept that is all he’s got. Find your meaning elsewhere. 
[/quote]

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