in conversation with friends or strangers, my wife frequently mentions she went to Harvard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Easy, they'll tell you

Honestly, this is SO common for anyone who went to Harvard - real and otherwise. It’s one reason that many people think Harvard students are obnoxious.

This stereotype is so common that, even I as a parent, avoid telling people that DC got into Harvard Law School. If people ask me what DC’s doing, I just say, “going to law school in Boston”.

I find the false modest of "I went to college in Boston" to be equally obnoxious. If someone went to Harvard, and the subject of school comes up, they should just say it. Working it into every conversation is obnoxious, too.

[Anonymous]

You should bring it up to her and tell he how obnoxious it is. Then in a year, when you come on here to ask about your sexless marriage, we can tell you why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How annoyed would you be by this habit? Is this something that you try to gently discourage your spouse from doing?

To be clear, my wife went to a mid-career Harvard masters program that has virtually no admissions standards -- if you are willing to pay $50K, you are in, as far as I can tell, regardless of your prior achievements (or lack thereof). Some people in this particular program didn't even go to college, according to an article that the WSJ published a few years ago about Ivy League masters programs. So this isn't exactly a challenging program. The program did her absolutely no good in the job market. She is currently unemployed, and has been for many years.

Each time she mentions that she is a Harvard alum, I cringe, not only because I think it is in poor taste, but because I think the people she is talking to see right through this act. She isn't a skilled speaker, nor is she well-read. So intellectually, her contribution to a conversation is minimal. My wife has many good qualities, but this particular part of her behavior strikes me as gauche.

Your contempt for your wife is a bigger problem than the fact that she talks about her degree program.

Further, if you knew many “real” Harvard alumni you’d know plenty of them are neither skilled speakers nor well-read so no, this won’t be giving your wife away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably feeling insecure. Try to be gentle with her and help her build up her self-esteem.

I think finding a job—even if it’s not “prestigious”-where she can do well would probably help her. And give her something to talk about when she’s at a party and people are chatting about work.

OP here. I've told her this, but she refuses to work for less than $150K a year and, unfortunately, no employer seems interested in hiring her at a salary above $150K (it pains me to say this, but I wouldn't hire her, either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bc only know a few people who went to real Harvard and they won’t even say it. They say Boston. You wife sounds annoying AF and super pretentious.

+1

My wife also went to real Harvard and refuses to say so. It's always "Boston".



If I want to tease her, easiest way to get her goat is to loudly mention Harvard in a public place.

Never ceases to entertain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Easy, they'll tell you

Honestly, this is SO common for anyone who went to Harvard - real and otherwise. It’s one reason that many people think Harvard students are obnoxious.

This stereotype is so common that, even I as a parent, avoid telling people that DC got into Harvard Law School. If people ask me what DC’s doing, I just say, “going to law school in Boston”.

I find the false modest of "I went to college in Boston" to be equally obnoxious. If someone went to Harvard, and the subject of school comes up, they should just say it. Working it into every conversation is obnoxious, too.

^^^went to Yale

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Easy, they'll tell you

This is a really stale joke told by people who don't actually know anyone who went to Harvard. I went to the "real Harvard" -- Harvard College. I rarely volunteer that fact in conversation, but I also don't play coy excessively. If someone asks me directly where I went to college, I tell them. I find this is the pretty standard approach for Harvard alumns, and I certainly do not know any alums who go around bragging that they went there. The braggarts are the ones like OP's DW -- people who did the equivalent of buying an expensive branded sweatshirt and want some of the sheen to rub off on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? On the list of things that are relationship damning, this is very low. Just order yourself a drink, bite your tongue, and relax.

Not true. It speaks to a deeper issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably feeling insecure. Try to be gentle with her and help her build up her self-esteem.

I think finding a job—even if it’s not “prestigious”-where she can do well would probably help her. And give her something to talk about when she’s at a party and people are chatting about work.

OP here. I've told her this, but she refuses to work for less than $150K a year and, unfortunately, no employer seems interested in hiring her at a salary above $150K (it pains me to say this, but I wouldn't hire her, either).

I think your wife has a lot of issues. What the heck job does she hope to waltz in to at that salary with no experience and a diploma mill cert?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would tell her that she has to significantly reduce the Harvard mentions. It would be in the context of building self-awareness, which everyone needs. She has to keep track of who she mentions it to, and not to mention it to one person more than once. If she's socially inept, it will be a great exercise for her.

BTW, my good friend went to 2 Ivies, one for undergrad, and one for graduate school, and she does mention it occasionally. But she's very socially aware, and it always comes out in the appropriate situation. So mentioning it isn't social suicide. It's the way and frequency that can be problematic.

This is a very interesting take! When is it appropriate to mention she went to Harvard? Does it matter if the people she's speaking to themselves went to elite schools (e.g. Yale, Stanford, etc.).

I'm a tenured professor at an Ivy League school and my experience is that the prestige of my university does make an impression on people. Contrary to what others have said, people do seem to take note. For that reason, I may just say I teach when initially asked what I do for a living but if people ask where I tell them the school. It would be kind of strange to say I'm a professor in "Boston" or "Ithaca."

[Anonymous]

It would be a kindness to her to explain what you have just told us. Presumably you move in circles where this is noticed as well for what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member on my wife's side who has a PhD. If you ever meet her, you will know she has it because she will tell you. And you get to hear it again when she tells everyone and anyone else she meets. She also wants to be referred to as, Dr. Meanwhile, she is a total failure in life with nearly no common sense and can barely manage an e-mail account. I refuse to call her, doctor. She is the biggest bore I've ever met.

Omg I read this as “she wants to be referred to as Dr. Meanwhile” and I thought gee that’s odd…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She mentions it because she is unemployed. She wants people to know (think) staying home is a choice, and that she is educated.

So?

WTH do you care, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How annoyed would you be by this habit? Is this something that you try to gently discourage your spouse from doing?

To be clear, my wife went to a mid-career Harvard masters program that has virtually no admissions standards -- if you are willing to pay $50K, you are in, as far as I can tell, regardless of your prior achievements (or lack thereof). Some people in this particular program didn't even go to college, according to an article that the WSJ published a few years ago about Ivy League masters programs. So this isn't exactly a challenging program. The program did her absolutely no good in the job market. She is currently unemployed, and has been for many years.

Each time she mentions that she is a Harvard alum, I cringe, not only because I think it is in poor taste, but because I think the people she is talking to see right through this act. She isn't a skilled speaker, nor is she well-read. So intellectually, her contribution to a conversation is minimal. My wife has many good qualities, but this particular part of her behavior strikes me as gauche.

Not sure I understand your problem, OP. Be proud of your wife, or leave her, we really don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How annoyed would you be by this habit? Is this something that you try to gently discourage your spouse from doing?

To be clear, my wife went to a mid-career Harvard masters program that has virtually no admissions standards -- if you are willing to pay $50K, you are in, as far as I can tell, regardless of your prior achievements (or lack thereof). Some people in this particular program didn't even go to college, according to an article that the WSJ published a few years ago about Ivy League masters programs. So this isn't exactly a challenging program. The program did her absolutely no good in the job market. She is currently unemployed, and has been for many years.

Each time she mentions that she is a Harvard alum, I cringe, not only because I think it is in poor taste, but because I think the people she is talking to see right through this act. She isn't a skilled speaker, nor is she well-read. So intellectually, her contribution to a conversation is minimal. My wife has many good qualities, but this particular part of her behavior strikes me as gauche.

You don't like this person do you?