in conversation with friends or strangers, my wife frequently mentions she went to Harvard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bc only know a few people who went to real Harvard and they won’t even say it. They say Boston. You wife sounds annoying AF and super pretentious.

+1

My wife also went to real Harvard and refuses to say so. It's always "Boston".



If I want to tease her, easiest way to get her goat is to loudly mention Harvard in a public place.

Never ceases to entertain.

Eh, my husband went to the real Harvard, and HLS. He just tells people if it comes up (rarely does). I’ve spent so much time around Harvard folks who say “Boston” awkwardly and it’s just as annoying. Just say where you went to school!

[Anonymous]

I know some Harvard grads (from the real Harvard) and I know two things for certain: 1) for some period of time after graduating they ALWAYS bring it up until well established in their career and realize that their colleagues tasked with the same job made it to the same place sans a Harvard education and 2) this is second only too those who participated in Peace Corp which is equally as pretentious and is always mentioned in conversation until at some point they realize the irony behind their participation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bc only know a few people who went to real Harvard and they won’t even say it. They say Boston. You wife sounds annoying AF and super pretentious.

+1

My wife also went to real Harvard and refuses to say so. It's always "Boston".



If I want to tease her, easiest way to get her goat is to loudly mention Harvard in a public place.

Never ceases to entertain.

Eh, my husband went to the real Harvard, and HLS. He just tells people if it comes up (rarely does). I’ve spent so much time around Harvard folks who say “Boston” awkwardly and it’s just as annoying. Just say where you went to school!

haha I was just about to type out a similar story on how I found that just as annoying. "Where did you go to school?" "Oh, in the Northeast."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably feeling insecure. Try to be gentle with her and help her build up her self-esteem.

I think finding a job—even if it’s not “prestigious”-where she can do well would probably help her. And give her something to talk about when she’s at a party and people are chatting about work.

OP here. I've told her this, but she refuses to work for less than $150K a year and, unfortunately, no employer seems interested in hiring her at a salary above $150K (it pains me to say this, but I wouldn't hire her, either).

I think this has gotta be a troll, but I will play along - OP, why would you not hire her?

OP here. Not a troll. I wouldn't hire my wife at the salary she wants. I think employers look at her resume and correctly recognize that her education, skillset and stale experience (she last worked 8 years ago) aren't worth more than perhaps $100K. Also, I have read some of the reports she authored when she was last employed. The reports are a tangled mess. Incomprehensible. My wife has some really great qualities, but she is probably below-average with respect to intelligence, and her education is weak. Given these weaknesses, I wouldn't hire her.

Ouch and damn. If you could do it over again, would you choose her as your wife?

OP here. My kids make my life complete. So I don't need a do-over, even though my wife is, in some respects, a source of frustration.

So you married a dud? Are you afraid her issues will impact your kids?

OP here. With respect to the "H" word, my kids privately joke about this when Mom isn't around. They are tired of hearing that she went to Harvard, and they roll their eyes each time she does it. My kids understand that education needs to be about genuine learning, rather than about trying to create a superficial veneer that masks a lack of substance. So perhaps my wife is actually serving as a good counter-example for my kids -- they see through her BS and I think they understand that real knowledge takes years of effort to acquire. It can't simply be painted on at the final hour. The fact that employers are unwilling to hire her may help my kids understand that most employers can't easily be tricked. They are looking for people with real skills.

I still haven't decided to talk to my wife about this. I raised the issue a couple years ago and it didn't go well. In response, she told me that I was jealous of her. So I'm not sure how to approach her on this topic. In fact, there are many topics that are difficult to address with her. Over the years, I've pulled back and disengaged because engagement and communication just leads to friction. Ironically, my marriage is the most difficult relationship I've ever been in. I was in several long-term relationships before getting married and, in each case, communication and mutually understanding was better. At this point, however, I'm going to finish running the marathon. My kids' lives matter more than mine, and I think it is best for the kids if this marriage remains intact.

So you allow your kids to mock their mother. You are awful.

OP here. My kids didn't roll their eyes until the 500 times their mother mentioned "Harvard" to them. The first 500 times, they muted their reaction. But at this point, after listening to this same story many times over, I can't expect them not to roll their eyes. At this point, it is Mom that needs to modify her behavior, not my kids. They are not rude to my wife. They do not make fun of her. They do try to support her, as do I. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to steer her towards a particular job opening that would have been a good fit for her. We have tried to support her, and we continue to do so, but her behavior and her attitude are rigid and pretentious. She thinks the job market owes her a great job, and she looks down on some of the hard-working folks in our neighborhood who have jobs that she considers beneath her. Her attitude, in my view, is un-American. She fails to understand that hard studying and hard work are necessary ingredients to success. It is difficult to support a person such as this, but, as I wrote earlier, I have no plans for divorce, and I intend to keep this family together, for the sake of my kids, even though it comes at significant cost to my own well-being.

[Anonymous]

She sounds insecure and cringe, and you sound like you don't like your wife.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're jealous. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities also. You should focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Can't you speak to her about it without doing the "it's not real harvard" thing? Either way, it is bragging, and you can tell her that talking about harvard can make other people (including yourself, if you didn't go to a school like that) feel less-than?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're jealous. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities also. You should focus on that.

Not everyone can go to Harvard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're jealous. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities also. You should focus on that.

Exactly . Also rigid and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably feeling insecure. Try to be gentle with her and help her build up her self-esteem.

I think finding a job—even if it’s not “prestigious”-where she can do well would probably help her. And give her something to talk about when she’s at a party and people are chatting about work.

OP here. I've told her this, but she refuses to work for less than $150K a year and, unfortunately, no employer seems interested in hiring her at a salary above $150K (it pains me to say this, but I wouldn't hire her, either).

I think this has gotta be a troll, but I will play along - OP, why would you not hire her?

OP here. Not a troll. I wouldn't hire my wife at the salary she wants. I think employers look at her resume and correctly recognize that her education, skillset and stale experience (she last worked 8 years ago) aren't worth more than perhaps $100K. Also, I have read some of the reports she authored when she was last employed. The reports are a tangled mess. Incomprehensible. My wife has some really great qualities, but she is probably below-average with respect to intelligence, and her education is weak. Given these weaknesses, I wouldn't hire her.

Ouch and damn. If you could do it over again, would you choose her as your wife?

OP here. My kids make my life complete. So I don't need a do-over, even though my wife is, in some respects, a source of frustration.

So you married a dud? Are you afraid her issues will impact your kids?

OP here. With respect to the "H" word, my kids privately joke about this when Mom isn't around. They are tired of hearing that she went to Harvard, and they roll their eyes each time she does it. My kids understand that education needs to be about genuine learning, rather than about trying to create a superficial veneer that masks a lack of substance. So perhaps my wife is actually serving as a good counter-example for my kids -- they see through her BS and I think they understand that real knowledge takes years of effort to acquire. It can't simply be painted on at the final hour. The fact that employers are unwilling to hire her may help my kids understand that most employers can't easily be tricked. They are looking for people with real skills.

I still haven't decided to talk to my wife about this. I raised the issue a couple years ago and it didn't go well. In response, she told me that I was jealous of her. So I'm not sure how to approach her on this topic. In fact, there are many topics that are difficult to address with her. Over the years, I've pulled back and disengaged because engagement and communication just leads to friction. Ironically, my marriage is the most difficult relationship I've ever been in. I was in several long-term relationships before getting married and, in each case, communication and mutually understanding was better. At this point, however, I'm going to finish running the marathon. My kids' lives matter more than mine, and I think it is best for the kids if this marriage remains intact.

So you allow your kids to mock their mother. You are awful.

OP here. My kids didn't roll their eyes until the 500 times their mother mentioned "Harvard" to them. The first 500 times, they muted their reaction. But at this point, after listening to this same story many times over, I can't expect them not to roll their eyes. At this point, it is Mom that needs to modify her behavior, not my kids. They are not rude to my wife. They do not make fun of her. They do try to support her, as do I. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to steer her towards a particular job opening that would have been a good fit for her. We have tried to support her, and we continue to do so, but her behavior and her attitude are rigid and pretentious. She thinks the job market owes her a great job, and she looks down on some of the hard-working folks in our neighborhood who have jobs that she considers beneath her. Her attitude, in my view, is un-American. She fails to understand that hard studying and hard work are necessary ingredients to success. It is difficult to support a person such as this, but, as I wrote earlier, I have no plans for divorce, and I intend to keep this family together, for the sake of my kids, even though it comes at significant cost to my own well-being.

Joking and rolling eyes is disrespectful behavior. That you encourage by your obvious disrespect.


You are not a kind man and the kids are learning from you.


Hard work is not the only key to success a big piece is personality and not being a jerk.

FYI the kids are your wife's as well not just yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably feeling insecure. Try to be gentle with her and help her build up her self-esteem.

I think finding a job—even if it’s not “prestigious”-where she can do well would probably help her. And give her something to talk about when she’s at a party and people are chatting about work.

OP here. I've told her this, but she refuses to work for less than $150K a year and, unfortunately, no employer seems interested in hiring her at a salary above $150K (it pains me to say this, but I wouldn't hire her, either).

I think this has gotta be a troll, but I will play along - OP, why would you not hire her?

OP here. Not a troll. I wouldn't hire my wife at the salary she wants. I think employers look at her resume and correctly recognize that her education, skillset and stale experience (she last worked 8 years ago) aren't worth more than perhaps $100K. Also, I have read some of the reports she authored when she was last employed. The reports are a tangled mess. Incomprehensible. My wife has some really great qualities, but she is probably below-average with respect to intelligence, and her education is weak. Given these weaknesses, I wouldn't hire her.

Ouch and damn. If you could do it over again, would you choose her as your wife?

OP here. My kids make my life complete. So I don't need a do-over, even though my wife is, in some respects, a source of frustration.

So you married a dud? Are you afraid her issues will impact your kids?

OP here. With respect to the "H" word, my kids privately joke about this when Mom isn't around. They are tired of hearing that she went to Harvard, and they roll their eyes each time she does it. My kids understand that education needs to be about genuine learning, rather than about trying to create a superficial veneer that masks a lack of substance. So perhaps my wife is actually serving as a good counter-example for my kids -- they see through her BS and I think they understand that real knowledge takes years of effort to acquire. It can't simply be painted on at the final hour. The fact that employers are unwilling to hire her may help my kids understand that most employers can't easily be tricked. They are looking for people with real skills.

I still haven't decided to talk to my wife about this. I raised the issue a couple years ago and it didn't go well. In response, she told me that I was jealous of her. So I'm not sure how to approach her on this topic. In fact, there are many topics that are difficult to address with her. Over the years, I've pulled back and disengaged because engagement and communication just leads to friction. Ironically, my marriage is the most difficult relationship I've ever been in. I was in several long-term relationships before getting married and, in each case, communication and mutually understanding was better. At this point, however, I'm going to finish running the marathon. My kids' lives matter more than mine, and I think it is best for the kids if this marriage remains intact.

So you allow your kids to mock their mother. You are awful.

OP here. My kids didn't roll their eyes until the 500 times their mother mentioned "Harvard" to them. The first 500 times, they muted their reaction. But at this point, after listening to this same story many times over, I can't expect them not to roll their eyes. At this point, it is Mom that needs to modify her behavior, not my kids. They are not rude to my wife. They do not make fun of her. They do try to support her, as do I. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to steer her towards a particular job opening that would have been a good fit for her. We have tried to support her, and we continue to do so, but her behavior and her attitude are rigid and pretentious. She thinks the job market owes her a great job, and she looks down on some of the hard-working folks in our neighborhood who have jobs that she considers beneath her. Her attitude, in my view, is un-American. She fails to understand that hard studying and hard work are necessary ingredients to success. It is difficult to support a person such as this, but, as I wrote earlier, I have no plans for divorce, and I intend to keep this family together, for the sake of my kids, even though it comes at significant cost to my own well-being.

Joking and rolling eyes is disrespectful behavior. That you encourage by your obvious disrespect.


You are not a kind man and the kids are learning from you.


Hard work is not the only key to success a big piece is personality and not being a jerk.

FYI the kids are your wife's as well not just yours.

OP here. Context is important. When my wife mentions "Harvard" in a family setting, it is typically to denigrate a neighbor behind their back, expressing disdain for their supposedly deficient education or job. I'm thankful that this rubs our kids the wrong way -- it is a sign that our kids are turning out to be decent people. They don't roll their eyes out of disrespect for my wife -- they roll their eyes because they don't share her view that a Harvard masters degree makes her better than a person down the street who is "merely an elementary school teacher" or "who went to a second-rate school like VA Tech". It is very hard to listen to this pretentious, mean-spirited talk, and I'm glad our kids have a negative reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bc only know a few people who went to real Harvard and they won’t even say it. They say Boston. You wife sounds annoying AF and super pretentious.

Oh saying “I went to school in Boston/Cambridge” is the WORST. Just say you went to Harvard!!! If someone actually asked! If no one asked then why are you even talking about the town you went to college in

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids?

OP here. 10 and 12.

I've calmed down a bit since I first posted. I was frustrated that yet another "H" event occurred recently, at a holiday party, but I don't see what can be done about this. When I last tried to speak to my wife about this issue, a couple years ago, it was a disaster. She quite quickly began speaking in a loud voice although I was sitting just 3 feet away, and then turned up the volume to a shout. I don't think there is a remedy. I have to live with this, just as she has to live with some of my issues. Unfortunately, the friction between us has reduced the relationship to something close to co-parenting, but this is better than having a complete break-down in which we cease to be decent parents to our kids. I am thankful for our children. They keep me sane.

[Anonymous]

I read the headline, and was prepared to tell you that this is obnoxious and must be stopped, figuring she was just a standard Boston blowhard with a superiority complex. But then I read your post, and now I think you should let your wife have this one. Yeah, it's cringe-worthy, but it sounds like she is feeling deeply insecure and that this is important to her. So, maybe just try to find ways to make her feel smart, valued, and validated, so she does not lean so hard on this one credential.