Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

I think you need to work to not internalize his reaction. He has a weird thing about paying for home repairs which leads him to act like a jerk. That doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. You are find and you got the job done. What would happen if he gets annoyed and you laugh and say "you're welcome!" If that doesn't work, I agree with pp that you should go the financial planner/budget route.

[Anonymous]

While I agree that you could grout the shower just as well as he could, you probably don’t have time to do it. Someone needs to take care of kids, etc. Just call someone and get a quote or 2. Talk to him and tell him the grout needs to be done within 2 weeks or you will have someone do it. It’s getting bad enough that you will have water damage if it is not done soon (if you don’t already have water damage). Ignore the attitude. Stop feeding the monster. Take control of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Show him the YouTube video where a guy changes a headlight by taking off the front bumper. Comments are disabled. That really got my DH’s attention. Just because someone is doing it on YouTube doesn’t mean they’re doing it WELL.

For the record, some models of vehicles actually require removal of the bumper to change the headlamps - my cousin’s MIL owned such a vehicle and I assisted her husband in doing it twice - because he didn’t listen to me when I suggested he replace both at once when one had burned out, thus being penny wise and pound foolish. I’m sure these models are designed that way on purpose to increase use of the dealer’s services by people who are too busy or lazy or scared to try it themselves. I drive a 23 year old RAV4 which allows easy access to change the bulbs through the engine compartment and was surprised myself to learn that some newer model vehicles are so poorly - or cleverly - designed to require bumper removal.

On this subject in general I sympathize with OP; my cousin lives the same life and I have seen how frustrating it is up close and personal since I became a renter in their home a few years ago. I have reported a couple of issues to them which were entirely ignored because a) he was too lazy to want to deal with it or b) he didn’t believe me because I have breasts nevermind that I’ve been on my own and handled fairly complex household maintenance issues for the last couple of decades. The end result is that right now they are shelling out around $20k for destruction, cleaning and repair of a long term water leak in the walls which I told them about as soon as I moved in and heard the water leaking and which he ignored and she isn’t allowed to do anything without his approval. When a second leak started coming through the ceiling a plumber was finally called and the extensive damage and required repairs revealed. I have been experiencing a little Schadenfreude but mostly just feel bad for my cousin because the money would have been much better spent elsewhere if he had just responded the first time I mentioned the leak FIVE YEARS AGO. Ah well!

Our house is the most derelict on the street, and very visibly so. It needed painting a decade ago and still hasn’t been. The lovely landscaping that existed when they bought the place two decades ago is all overgrown, the gardens gone to weeds etc. Inside is likewise derelict, everything waits months or years to be repaired and maintenance is nearly nonexistent. He’s doing the rebuild himself once the plumbing is done and it should be interesting because he’s never done sheetrock or mudding in his life but at least most of the walls being replaced are behind cupboards and such so they won’t be exposed to much scrutiny.

Observing my cousin's relatively functional marriage makes me feel grateful for my own avoidance of the institution. She eats and tolerates so much poop. I would not have patience for it. The very notion of anybody ‘letting’ me do anything would be unacceptable to me. My cousin is also increasingly suffocating under piles of crap that her husband won’t ‘let’ her donate or toss out because surely it’s worth something and someday they’ll have a yard sale or open an eBay store to sell it and get the value. In truth none of it is worth anything but you can’t tell him anything so . . .

OP if you can’t get approval or permission to call a repair person, I can attest that grout is entirely doable. It’s a PITA, but any reasonably intelligent woman can manage it. And there are good videos on YouTube for all kinds of home and auto repairs, you just have to be reasonably discriminating in which sources you utilize. Good luck! New grout is a nice thing to have.

[Anonymous]

Okay - so I agree with a previous poster that this is a conversation that should happen in a general way outside of a specific incident.

A few parts to this conversation that are key:

1) I've noticed this pattern.
2) I love you, I don't like being at odds with you, and I'd like to get on the same page so we don't fight about this any more.
3) A feelings discussion. There are feelings here. Ignore them at your peril. You're seeing the practical problem, but don't start there. I would try something like "it seems like it's important to you that we handle small household fixes ourselves. Why is that?" and hear him out! Might be about money, but I doubt it. I would guess that it's tied into a vision for what a homeowner does, some assumptions based on his childhood, perhaps even what a father, or a husband, or a man, is in charge of. Don't suggest. Listen. Echo back. Put on your best imitation of a therapist for a hot minute.
4) Planning. I would spell out a few options. "Okay, I can understand that. Here's the problem. I am not interested in doing this work myself. I can understand why you think it's valuable, but this isn't fulfilling work for me. I am happy if you want to do it. I'm happy to take the lead on hiring professionals to do it as well. What do you think is the best way to deal with this moving forward?" Try to work towards a solution you're both comfortable with.

I cannot stress enough that part three needs to be the longest part of this discussion.

My guess would be that at the end of the discussion you'll land on something like, you get three months, if it's not done, I'll deal with hiring and managing a professional to get it done. If it does turn into a money discussion (pending point #3) then you may want a line item in your budget or just a flat amount you can work with (for annual small handyman-type tasks you have a budget of say, $5k) so you pick and choose what's important to you and triage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

Let him be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

Let him be annoyed.

This.

Who cares.

Never DIY plumbing or anything to do with water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just schedule it. If you're feeling diplomatic, maybe schedule it for a week or so out, then tell DH: "Hey, I have the handyman coming by next Tuesday for the grout. I can cancel up to 24 hours beforehand, so if you'd rather tackle it yourself over the weekend, feel free."

This feels like it'll just lead to another fight and she won't get the work done she needs.


I'd do what another pp says. When he says, "I'm too busy now, you take care of it." You say, "okay." And don't engage further. Then you schedule the work.

I'd probably grey rock the tantrum that may follow. But he'll learn he has to either have a mature conversation and set a time line or let you handle it your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I feel like you have been listening in on my conversations with my husband. In my case when I offer to call someone to do a home repair he takes it as an affront to his manhood or something. Like I don't trust him enough to clean the gutters so I must not think much of his home maintenance abilities. In reality, this project gets put off for so long and I think it's worth the cost to take something off his list. I don't have any advice, just empathy.

I had a friend whose DH was like this. She finally hit on an idea that worked. She told her DH in an off handed tone, well ok if you want to but I really don't think men at your income level do things like rake the leaves..."
He ignored the comment in the moment but didn't complain when the yard service turned up and cleaned up the yard. They aren't super high income either. I think for her DH just giving him the idea that he was "too rich" to be doing the work helped.

Good move by the friend! Some people are good at this. Some people truly can't afford it. But for a lot of people, the need to DIY seems truly arbitrary, often based on some sketchy cultural assumptions.

[Anonymous]

I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

I am a wife and an engineer and I do the same.

But… not everyone can, my H can’t no way no how. Also never do plumbing or anything to do with water because it can cost you $1000+ in the end.

[Anonymous]

One way to re-frame. Consider how much your time and his is worth on an hourly basis. Then consider how much time it would take to learn, shop, then do slowly. Usually you will do better paying someone else. My husband likes doing home projects, but with his time its more worth the money for someone else to do it

[Anonymous]

Seems like much of the advice here is either nag your husband or emasculate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like much of the advice here is either nag your husband or emasculate him.

Do you have anything contribute? Or are you of the "let the house crumble to the ground" variety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm going to let it go until January (due to the holiday crazyness), then I'm going to call a few repair places and have one of them come in. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be, but I'm going to try my very best to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. I'll try to remember to update the post.