Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue

[Anonymous]

Just schedule it. If you're feeling diplomatic, maybe schedule it for a week or so out, then tell DH: "Hey, I have the handyman coming by next Tuesday for the grout. I can cancel up to 24 hours beforehand, so if you'd rather tackle it yourself over the weekend, feel free."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

How much is in your household repairs budget?

I was going to suggest to OP that she talk to her DH about having a household repair budget. She can go online to get estimates of what is reasonable (1% or something of purchase price) and they can incorporate it as a steady savings amount every month, like other bills. She can use those funds for these little repairs without bothering him about it. They can agree that repair amounts above a certain amount require agreement of both people.

It sounds like he has financial anxiety.

Yes, which is why I also suggested finding a repairman who will show her how to do household repairs and honestly, your kids too! Say youll pay them to do the repair and an extra hourly wage to show you and your kids how to perform basic household maintenance. Especially if your DH is not including your children in household maintenance jobs. You also need to know how to do it should your DH become incapacitated- god forbid- AND when you see things to be done, you can do them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The guy is coming Tuesday to fix the grout make sure you've showered by 9am."

Yep

[Anonymous]

It seems like he expects OP to DIY everything he doesn’t get around to doing. He’s not willing to DIY or pay someone but expects OP to do it??? Some people like to DIY, I know I’m not one of those people. If OP’s DH wants to DIY it at least needs to be a joint thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just call and get the grout fixed. Stop talking to him about it. That is my sincere answer I'm not being snarky.

I think this is it. Not everything has to be done by committee. Solve the problem

+1. Clearly, it gives him anxiety to discuss the subject. Did he grow up in a household where money was very tight and his parents did everything themselves? A handyman will do the job right and save you time and potential $$ from mistakes. You both have better things to do with your time.

[Anonymous]

Give your DH a deadline! If he says he can fix the grout, tell him one month from today, if it isn’t done, you will find a handyman. On your calendar, write “Call grout guy”.

I would also be willing to pickup a supply list for him if that would be helpful, but only if he plans to start early Saturday morning.

[Anonymous]

Get a handyman and make a list of tasks for him/her to handle at once. Stop discussing with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just schedule it. If you're feeling diplomatic, maybe schedule it for a week or so out, then tell DH: "Hey, I have the handyman coming by next Tuesday for the grout. I can cancel up to 24 hours beforehand, so if you'd rather tackle it yourself over the weekend, feel free."

THIS is what I'd do. Share the time frame, include plenty of time for DH to do it, with a cancellation information, and boom it's done. Either by DH or handyman. I don't actually care who does the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I feel like you have been listening in on my conversations with my husband. In my case when I offer to call someone to do a home repair he takes it as an affront to his manhood or something. Like I don't trust him enough to clean the gutters so I must not think much of his home maintenance abilities. In reality, this project gets put off for so long and I think it's worth the cost to take something off his list. I don't have any advice, just empathy.

I had a friend whose DH was like this. She finally hit on an idea that worked. She told her DH in an off handed tone, well ok if you want to but I really don't think men at your income level do things like rake the leaves..."
He ignored the comment in the moment but didn't complain when the yard service turned up and cleaned up the yard. They aren't super high income either. I think for her DH just giving him the idea that he was "too rich" to be doing the work helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

This is a problem.

He is controlling you through money.

You and he should be able to agree that this year we want to get these 5 home projects done and then you go off and handle it and that's the end. The idea that you need to report back to him with quotes or discuss every cent spent? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a time when he’s not angry approach him about the pattern in a spirit of problem solving. Throw in an analogy (for example, what if you asked him to arrange Halloween costumes bc you were busy and then balked because he hadn’t hand sewn elaborate ones?)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do I respond when DH is angry that I hired someone to fix the shower? There is no way he will say thanks or even say nothing. He will definitely be annoyed.

And to the PP who asked if I am a money waster, no I am not. DH and I definitely disagree on what is a worthwhile use of money and what is not, but at the end of every discussion, he has the final say. I have conditioned myself to be very frugal over the years in response to his behavior.

This is a problem.

He is controlling you through money.

You and he should be able to agree that this year we want to get these 5 home projects done and then you go off and handle it and that's the end. The idea that you need to report back to him with quotes or discuss every cent spent? No.

+1. You solve this problem by both of you agreeing that this pattern is a problem and putting a system in place so that you don't have to have this discussion. The fact that your have conditioned your self to give in to your husband regarding every action revolving around money is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Re your existing problem that you've already brought to his attention:

"Fine. If you fix the grout by next Sunday, great. If not, on Monday I'll get it fixed"

And when Monday comes, just call and make the appointment, don't discuss it with him.

FYI I've been married 25 years and this was our issue. I started this way, then moved to getting things fixed while DH was at work....meaning, I STOPPED identifying house issues. So in your example, I would NOT tell DH the grout needs fixing. I'd just get it done while he was at work.

Is it fair? No. Does it get the job done AND save you countless of hours of frustration? YES

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The guy is coming Tuesday to fix the grout make sure you've showered by 9am."

Just go ahead, don't ask again and schedule it, but don't let him use the shower because it has to be dry for the repair.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you say "he has the final decision" do you really mean that if you disagree, ultimately the rules of your marriage are that he gets to overrule you and do whatever it was that he wants?

That sounds very unhealthy.