Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue

[Anonymous]

If $ is the issue he can pack his lunch for a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like much of the advice here is either nag your husband or emasculate him.

Do you have anything contribute? Or are you of the "let the house crumble to the ground" variety?

When I was married my wife demanded I paint the kid's room. So I did a bunch of prep work two evenings in a row, then took the day off from work to paint. At the end of the day I was almost done, and when wife got home she demanded to know why I hadn't made dinner. That taught me a lot about how home maintenance was going to happen, and I never painted another room in that house until after the divorce. My current home is well-maintained, and I do most repairs and upkeep myself.

A friend took off several days to paint the main floor of his house. When it was done, his wife hated the color. But she had picked out the color, even though my friend warned it wouldn't look good. She expected him to take off more time to paint the place with a new color.

The moral of these stories: incompetent bosses tend to cause employee morale to sink, and then less work happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go until January (due to the holiday crazyness), then I'm going to call a few repair places and have one of them come in. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be, but I'm going to try my very best to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. I'll try to remember to update the post.

Given how you wrote your OP, you know exactly how this will turn out. Frankly, you sound passive aggressive and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

I'm actually a lot like you, in that I'll always check and see if a problem is easily solvable by me before hiring out, and I define easily solvable as "a couple of hours and significantly less money." Plus I like investing in future maintenance cost reduction.

HOWEVER, that's my calculation. For some people, the process of finding and internalizing home repair skills/identifying and acquiring appropriate parts/spending an unknown amount of time is a MUCH higher cost than just paying to have an expert resolve it. For example, there's the stress of not knowing whether you're doing it right or making a small problem worse, buying the wrong parts and having to go back to the store (sometimes multiple times) and having a very limited amount of free time that you would then have to devote to a frustrating and stressful project.

I understand that to you and me, this wouldn't be that frustrating or stressful, but to other people, it is and that's just as valid an approach. So their cost/benefit analysis is simply different, and for them it wouldn't make sense NOT to pay an expert to fix it. Forcing those people to adopt our cost/benefit analysis is analogous to an extrovert forcing an introvert into unwanted social situations to make the introvert happier. Square peg, round hole.

OP, I like the "ok, I've scheduled the repair guy for two weeks from now, and I can cancel up until the day before. If you want to fix it, before then, go ahead" approach. But the bigger problem here is that he always has the final say on money issues. What's up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go until January (due to the holiday crazyness), then I'm going to call a few repair places and have one of them come in. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be, but I'm going to try my very best to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. I'll try to remember to update the post.

Given how you wrote your OP, you know exactly how this will turn out. Frankly, you sound passive aggressive and annoying.

So what is your suggestion then? I’m not re-grouting our shower or repairing our broken gas logs. I’m curious what you suggest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

I'm actually a lot like you, in that I'll always check and see if a problem is easily solvable by me before hiring out, and I define easily solvable as "a couple of hours and significantly less money." Plus I like investing in future maintenance cost reduction.

HOWEVER, that's my calculation. For some people, the process of finding and internalizing home repair skills/identifying and acquiring appropriate parts/spending an unknown amount of time is a MUCH higher cost than just paying to have an expert resolve it. For example, there's the stress of not knowing whether you're doing it right or making a small problem worse, buying the wrong parts and having to go back to the store (sometimes multiple times) and having a very limited amount of free time that you would then have to devote to a frustrating and stressful project.

I understand that to you and me, this wouldn't be that frustrating or stressful, but to other people, it is and that's just as valid an approach. So their cost/benefit analysis is simply different, and for them it wouldn't make sense NOT to pay an expert to fix it. Forcing those people to adopt our cost/benefit analysis is analogous to an extrovert forcing an introvert into unwanted social situations to make the introvert happier. Square peg, round hole.

OP, I like the "ok, I've scheduled the repair guy for two weeks from now, and I can cancel up until the day before. If you want to fix it, before then, go ahead" approach. But the bigger problem here is that he always has the final say on money issues. What's up with that?

Yes, but it doesn't seem OP has done a cost/benefit analysis, but instead the first solution is to throw money at the problem because she can. If the cost/benefit was done and the assessment is that it's not worth the time based on personal preference/comfort (though discomfort with something new is another issue), then fine. It's about making at least an earnest effort. (And DH will need to accept the results of those efforts.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

Yep and if you are a family that has extra money but not extra time (like our relatively high HHI family with young kids) throwing money at a problem isn’t lazy, it’s smart. Occasionally my husband decides he wants to do something himself, which is fine kind of like a hobby, but it takes a ton of time and often doesn’t save that much money between a couple redos and extra tools whatever, assuming we are talking about fixing actual issues in the house and not just like filling a hole from a nail.

[Anonymous]

TBH, your relationship sounds like it sucks. I’d never want to have sex with my husband if he expected me to grout a shower. What a turnoff. You work and do 90 percent of the kids stuff and manage the finances? Seems like he wants equality where it benefits him but it stops there.

How does a woman even get to a place where she’s expected to work, manage everything at home and also handle the home maintenance? Let me guess - you’re in charge of the cleaners too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go until January (due to the holiday crazyness), then I'm going to call a few repair places and have one of them come in. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be, but I'm going to try my very best to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. I'll try to remember to update the post.

Given how you wrote your OP, you know exactly how this will turn out. Frankly, you sound passive aggressive and annoying.

you don’t need multiple quotes for grout. just hire a handyman and it’ll get done really quickly. your husband probably won’t even notice - and if he does just tell him you took care of it and you don’t want to have another conversation about such a minor thing. it’s just grout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go until January (due to the holiday crazyness), then I'm going to call a few repair places and have one of them come in. I'm not sure what the reaction is going to be, but I'm going to try my very best to stay calm and matter-of-fact about it. I'll try to remember to update the post.

Given how you wrote your OP, you know exactly how this will turn out. Frankly, you sound passive aggressive and annoying.

So what is your suggestion then? I’m not re-grouting our shower or repairing our broken gas logs. I’m curious what you suggest?

I've written my suggestions throughout a few posts in this thread. They're pretty much the only dissenting opinions on this topic so you can spot them easily.

[Anonymous]

Bigger picture: Is it a money thing or a control issue? (Or both?)

1. Money because you don’t have it - makes sense on spending anxiety. This doesn’t seem to be the case.

2. Money because your DH grew up in a household where money was tight and there are still scars. This may need therapy to help you communicate better together.

3. Money as a means to control you/family. Not good. How do you handle finances for medium size expenses? I say medium because big expenses should be a mutual decision, tiny expenses (coffee, groceries, gas) shouldn’t necessarily have a conversation (and if it does and you are financially stable then it may be abuse).

4. Control for the sake of control and bringing up gender norms. He may be feeling not so great about his masculinity… therapy…

[Anonymous]

You can have plenty of money and still be frugal. He clearly would prefer not to pay for stuff he could do. This is understandable.

However, he’s not getting it done.

If it were me, I’d say - “our grout needs to be done. Mr. X is coming Dec. 28. We have until Dec 21 to cancel if you want to diy by then. Lmk if there’s anything you need from Home Depot.”

Some ppl work better with a deadline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

I'm actually a lot like you, in that I'll always check and see if a problem is easily solvable by me before hiring out, and I define easily solvable as "a couple of hours and significantly less money." Plus I like investing in future maintenance cost reduction.

HOWEVER, that's my calculation. For some people, the process of finding and internalizing home repair skills/identifying and acquiring appropriate parts/spending an unknown amount of time is a MUCH higher cost than just paying to have an expert resolve it. For example, there's the stress of not knowing whether you're doing it right or making a small problem worse, buying the wrong parts and having to go back to the store (sometimes multiple times) and having a very limited amount of free time that you would then have to devote to a frustrating and stressful project.

I understand that to you and me, this wouldn't be that frustrating or stressful, but to other people, it is and that's just as valid an approach. So their cost/benefit analysis is simply different, and for them it wouldn't make sense NOT to pay an expert to fix it. Forcing those people to adopt our cost/benefit analysis is analogous to an extrovert forcing an introvert into unwanted social situations to make the introvert happier. Square peg, round hole.

OP, I like the "ok, I've scheduled the repair guy for two weeks from now, and I can cancel up until the day before. If you want to fix it, before then, go ahead" approach. But the bigger problem here is that he always has the final say on money issues. What's up with that?

Yes, but it doesn't seem OP has done a cost/benefit analysis, but instead the first solution is to throw money at the problem because she can. If the cost/benefit was done and the assessment is that it's not worth the time based on personal preference/comfort (though discomfort with something new is another issue), then fine. It's about making at least an earnest effort. (And DH will need to accept the results of those efforts.)

NP. I don't understand why you expect OP to do that analysis when it's her DH who wants it done. With her working part-time and doing all the family/domestic work, I would imagine her DH has a lot more time to do said analysis. (Of course, he's minimizing and not appreciating how much she does, by putting this in her lap.)

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to work with him too. You only work part time and he is not saying anything wrong but trying to save money. Not grout but if the other stuff is easy then you can certainly help him out too.