Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue
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Anonymous
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For background, we are in our early 40's, have 2 school aged children, and I work half time while DH works full time in a demanding job but has a decent amount of flexibility. I am also the primary parent who handles 90% of kid related stuff (medical/dental appts, clothes, activity/camp signups, most kid transportation, etc.) We have no debt aside from a very affordable mortage and we are ahead on college and retirement savings. (You'll see in a minute why I added the money bit.)
One of our recurring issues, that comes up again and again with different topics, happened again this weekend. It is like groundhog day having the same fight over and over. Please advise, or tell me if I'm wrong or what I should do differently. This happens for all sorts of boring household maintenance but lets just say in this example its fixing the grout in the shower. Me: I'm going to get some quotes to have the grout fixed in our shower. Him: No, don't, I'm going to do that myself. Me: Are you sure? You're very busy and I'd be happy to call someone. I've heard of a few good places to try. Him: No, its fine, I'm going to do it. Me. (Very skeptical) Um, okay, if you are sure. Fast-forward 2/3/6/however many months. Me: Hey, so we still didn't get the grout fixed, you mentioned you were going to take care of it. Him: (Almost instantly defensive and mad) Well, I've been pretty busy, why don't you take care of it? Me: Well I offered to call someone but you didn't want that. Him: Why can't you just do it yourself? You can look it up how to do it on Youtube just the same as I can! Me: Well, I don't really want to learn how to fix grout and I'd rather just pay someone who knows what they are doing. Him: Goes on some rant about how women are capable of doing things, its sexist to assume he should do it (uh, I didn't), he doesn't want to pay to hire it out (we can easily afford it) and so on and so forth. Me: I usually respond angrily how this is just a normal part of home ownership, we need to take care of the house and then I admit I usually say something grumpy about how the house would just crumble to the ground if it were left up to him. Its not productive and usually it ends with HIM mad at ME because I didn't go on youtube and learn how to regrout the shower and just do it myself. And this happens more or less the same any time we need something done to the house. It feels insane to me. I feel like my choices are just never bring any of this up ever and let the house fall into disrepair (I'm not really sure he would even notice, or not until it got REALLY bad) or we keep having this stupid fight. And of course numberous things around the house are still not done. What should I do differently? |
Anonymous
| Just call and get the grout fixed. Stop talking to him about it. That is my sincere answer I'm not being snarky. |
Anonymous
| Find out the costs and then approach him. |
Anonymous
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When I worked part time I did a lot of fixing around the house: grouting, installing internet, cleaning windows and the pool. Also met with contractors, selected building materials etc. He initially was grateful, then switched to ordering me do things and took it all completely for granted. He cheated with a business woman/colleague of his and told me he "no longer needed a homemaker wife".
Do not grout yourself, and no longer discuss it with him. Wait for the shower to leak on his head when he's getting ready to work and then he will have it fully replaced. |
Anonymous
| "The guy is coming Tuesday to fix the grout make sure you've showered by 9am." |
Anonymous
| At a time when he’s not angry approach him about the pattern in a spirit of problem solving. Throw in an analogy (for example, what if you asked him to arrange Halloween costumes bc you were busy and then balked because he hadn’t hand sewn elaborate ones?) |
Anonymous
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Ugh, that is so frustrating!
We are just starting to get organized with home maintenance projects (meaning, getting ahead of them rather than waiting until it's urgent) so maybe also putting together a spreadsheet of annual expenses so you can better budget. Then put money in a separate account for home repairs. Agree that you will manage. Don't consult with him at the quote stage. Maybe just give a monthly accounting of expenses / repairs? |
Anonymous
This. I'm guessing you handle the finances, too? He probably won't even notice. |
Anonymous
I think this is it. Not everything has to be done by committee. Solve the problem |
Anonymous
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What I think you should do: just call someone and book it.
What I would do: let the house fall in to the ground (I hate booking home repairs) |
Anonymous
| Just call and get it fixed. New year is coming. Sit down and havr a list of stuff that needs done and come up with a budget for it for the year. Then call and get it done. Don't go above budget. |
Anonymous
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OP, first, it sounds like after so many years of this you want to be mad at what you know will happen.
Second, my coming response is predicated on you not being someone who spends money too easily. If you throw money at problems, then you need to look in the mirror at that. However, if you are good with a budget and don't easily spend money mindlessly, then right here: "Me: Hey, so we still didn't get the grout fixed, you mentioned you were going to take care of it. Him: (Almost instantly defensive and mad) Well, I've been pretty busy, why don't you take care of it?" Don't say anything other than, Great, I'll take care of it. Then walk away. Do no engage further. Establish a new pattern. He is defensive and feels guilty so blames you. That is not justification, but a pattern you need to break. Frankly, I wouldn't even ask him in the first place. Grout needs fixed. Find a reasonable person to do it. Then just get it done. |
Anonymous
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I would break the grout in the shower, have robot triple to fix my mistake, and then tell DH we will be using a handy person from now on.
Men have been weaponising incompetence for years. It works! |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
| Agree with first pp. Just call someone and get it done. |