Your thoughts on how to solve this recurring marital disagreement/issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

I'm actually a lot like you, in that I'll always check and see if a problem is easily solvable by me before hiring out, and I define easily solvable as "a couple of hours and significantly less money." Plus I like investing in future maintenance cost reduction.

HOWEVER, that's my calculation. For some people, the process of finding and internalizing home repair skills/identifying and acquiring appropriate parts/spending an unknown amount of time is a MUCH higher cost than just paying to have an expert resolve it. For example, there's the stress of not knowing whether you're doing it right or making a small problem worse, buying the wrong parts and having to go back to the store (sometimes multiple times) and having a very limited amount of free time that you would then have to devote to a frustrating and stressful project.

I understand that to you and me, this wouldn't be that frustrating or stressful, but to other people, it is and that's just as valid an approach. So their cost/benefit analysis is simply different, and for them it wouldn't make sense NOT to pay an expert to fix it. Forcing those people to adopt our cost/benefit analysis is analogous to an extrovert forcing an introvert into unwanted social situations to make the introvert happier. Square peg, round hole.

OP, I like the "ok, I've scheduled the repair guy for two weeks from now, and I can cancel up until the day before. If you want to fix it, before then, go ahead" approach. But the bigger problem here is that he always has the final say on money issues. What's up with that?

Yes, but it doesn't seem OP has done a cost/benefit analysis, but instead the first solution is to throw money at the problem because she can. If the cost/benefit was done and the assessment is that it's not worth the time based on personal preference/comfort (though discomfort with something new is another issue), then fine. It's about making at least an earnest effort. (And DH will need to accept the results of those efforts.)

NP. I don't understand why you expect OP to do that analysis when it's her DH who wants it done. With her working part-time and doing all the family/domestic work, I would imagine her DH has a lot more time to do said analysis. (Of course, he's minimizing and not appreciating how much she does, by putting this in her lap.)

We have only heard one side of the story from Op. The real truth could be something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

NP, but omg. I have *so many* more valuable and interesting things to do with my time than this nonsense. Don’t any of you have hobbies, interests or volunteer commitments that take up your time? Have you ever heard of the concept of “comparative advantage”? If you enjoy this stuff clearly keep doing it but I would laugh in your face if you expected me to spend my rare and valuable free time this way when I could pay an expert to do it better and faster and get on with my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just call and get the grout fixed. Stop talking to him about it. That is my sincere answer I'm not being snarky.

I think this is it. Not everything has to be done by committee. Solve the problem

+1. Clearly, it gives him anxiety to discuss the subject. Did he grow up in a household where money was very tight and his parents did everything themselves? A handyman will do the job right and save you time and potential $$ from mistakes. You both have better things to do with your time.

This. Look at how his parents handled this situation. I realized that no matter how much money he made or how little time or how complicated things have become, he refused to outsource. Marriage counselor felt it was due to DIY being important in his upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

NP, but omg. I have *so many* more valuable and interesting things to do with my time than this nonsense. Don’t any of you have hobbies, interests or volunteer commitments that take up your time? Have you ever heard of the concept of “comparative advantage”? If you enjoy this stuff clearly keep doing it but I would laugh in your face if you expected me to spend my rare and valuable free time this way when I could pay an expert to do it better and faster and get on with my life

I mean, I'm just offering a different perspective since I'd tend to agree with OP's DH based on the facts laid out. Most everyone else is providing an echo chamber for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

NP, but omg. I have *so many* more valuable and interesting things to do with my time than this nonsense. Don’t any of you have hobbies, interests or volunteer commitments that take up your time? Have you ever heard of the concept of “comparative advantage”? If you enjoy this stuff clearly keep doing it but I would laugh in your face if you expected me to spend my rare and valuable free time this way when I could pay an expert to do it better and faster and get on with my life

I mean, I'm just offering a different perspective since I'd tend to agree with OP's DH based on the facts laid out. Most everyone else is providing an echo chamber for OP.

I do think this is how the spouse is probably thinking. That was how I read it as well. However, he needs to invest time to teach some of these things if he already knows how to do them then. His current approach is not effective. Whoever actually gets something done, gets to decide how it gets done. That’s the bottom line.

I enjoy figuring things out too, but it would not be fair to expect everyone to find the same value in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For background, we are in our early 40's, have 2 school aged children, and I work half time while DH works full time in a demanding job but has a decent amount of flexibility. I am also the primary parent who handles 90% of kid related stuff (medical/dental appts, clothes, activity/camp signups, most kid transportation, etc.) We have no debt aside from a very affordable mortage and we are ahead on college and retirement savings. (You'll see in a minute why I added the money bit.)

One of our recurring issues, that comes up again and again with different topics, happened again this weekend. It is like groundhog day having the same fight over and over. Please advise, or tell me if I'm wrong or what I should do differently. This happens for all sorts of boring household maintenance but lets just say in this example its fixing the grout in the shower.

Me: I'm going to get some quotes to have the grout fixed in our shower.
Him: No, don't, I'm going to do that myself.
Me: Are you sure? You're very busy and I'd be happy to call someone. I've heard of a few good places to try.
Him: No, its fine, I'm going to do it.
Me. (Very skeptical) Um, okay, if you are sure.

Fast-forward 2/3/6/however many months.

Me: Hey, so we still didn't get the grout fixed, you mentioned you were going to take care of it.
Him: (Almost instantly defensive and mad) Well, I've been pretty busy, why don't you take care of it?
Me: Well I offered to call someone but you didn't want that.
Him: Why can't you just do it yourself? You can look it up how to do it on Youtube just the same as I can!
Me: Well, I don't really want to learn how to fix grout and I'd rather just pay someone who knows what they are doing.
Him: Goes on some rant about how women are capable of doing things, its sexist to assume he should do it (uh, I didn't), he doesn't want to pay to hire it out (we can easily afford it) and so on and so forth.
Me: I usually respond angrily how this is just a normal part of home ownership, we need to take care of the house and then I admit I usually say something grumpy about how the house would just crumble to the ground if it were left up to him.

Its not productive and usually it ends with HIM mad at ME because I didn't go on youtube and learn how to regrout the shower and just do it myself. And this happens more or less the same any time we need something done to the house. It feels insane to me. I feel like my choices are just never bring any of this up ever and let the house fall into disrepair (I'm not really sure he would even notice, or not until it got REALLY bad) or we keep having this stupid fight. And of course numberous things around the house are still not done.

What should I do differently?

Hire someone to fix the grout and skip everything else. He won't even notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re your existing problem that you've already brought to his attention:

"Fine. If you fix the grout by next Sunday, great. If not, on Monday I'll get it fixed"

And when Monday comes, just call and make the appointment, don't discuss it with him.

FYI I've been married 25 years and this was our issue. I started this way, then moved to getting things fixed while DH was at work....meaning, I STOPPED identifying house issues. So in your example, I would NOT tell DH the grout needs fixing. I'd just get it done while he was at work.

Is it fair? No. Does it get the job done AND save you countless of hours of frustration? YES

I think it's completely fair. The person who is in charge of the home takes care of these things, and if they have the means to hire out, why not? If OP's husband wants to be a homemaker so badly, he can quit his job.

[Anonymous]

Just have it fixed. If he gets mad let him be mad, don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like much of the advice here is either nag your husband or emasculate him.

So what do you suggest? That she not say anything and let their bathroom deteriorate? He'll get angry at her if that happens too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have it fixed. If he gets mad let him be mad, don't engage.

Yes, this.

My exdh was like this. I'm so glad he's an ex. Now when something breaks, I fix it or get it fixed-either way it's fixed and I don't have to deal with mantrums!

[Anonymous]

This is a newlywed problem, op, or at best a problem that should only happen once. Your problem is that your husband is at best not rational (which means rational responses such as “call someone” or “just inform him” won’t work. At worst, he’s abusive, refusing to actually do the work, then telling you are sexist when you tell him it needs to be done would be untennable to me. I didn’t get married to be told I could “just do it myself”, I got married to be treasured and adored, by which I mean that you have lots of men who can and will say “a girl can do that job just as well as a boy” or some variation.. that shouldn’t be something your husband says to you.. mostly because he offered to do the job, he didn’t, and when you mentioned it, he called you sexist. Maybe I could see his comment logically if you turned down a good female tile person.. did you? Calling you sexist and reminding you of your capabilities when you have no desire to learn how to do a job that isn’t something done on the regular like cooking or changing diapers just strikes me as nasty. I also wouldn’t be happy with a person who expected all kinds of contortions to be frugal in order to accommodate him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I haven’t met anybody who describes themselves as “frugal” who doesn’t have some kind of mental health issue.. it’s just a matter of what it is. Our society fetishizes money as well as the lack of spending, so people can get away with behavior like your husband exhibits very easily.
My approach to be to hire whoever you’d like to make sure your home and cars are in good repair. I’d stop worrying about his anxiety or whatever issue he has.. are you sure it’s anxiety or is he just a jerk with a socially acceptable outlet? I think in your shoes op, I’d be done, maybe not with the marriage but with all the nonsense around his behavior. If he gets nasty with you enough times, or blows up because you paid to grout the shower (not buy drugs, not lie to cover up gambling debts) but pay to do needed home repairs, you’ll decide you’ve had enough of the marriage.


You need to call someone to fix the grout, then tell him you will no longer put up with him

[Anonymous]

It sounds like if you ask him to do it he ends up mad, and if you hire someone to do it, he'll end up mad.

One of those ends up with the grout being fixed, so I'd do that, since he's going to be mad anyway.

To all of the 'but you can DIY cheaper!', he's welcome to do that. It is not okay to expect OP to want to do that if it's not her thing.

This is how it goes: The grout needs to be fixed. Either DH or OP is in charge of fixing. Whoever is in charge gets to choose how. It is not okay to make someone else be in charge and then expect them to do it your way. I'd say the same thing if it were someone insisting on DIY even if they were bad at it. If you let that guy be in charge, that guy decides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your DH in this situation (though I also handle kid appointments). I think it's more about wishing my spouse took the initiative to try to learn to resolve household repairs that seem complicated and can cost $150 a pop, but actually do only require a 15 minute YouTube video and $20 in parts (and you learn something along the way!). We do have plenty of funds available to call a handyperson whenever, but it just seems pretty lazy to do so without at least doing an initial assessment of the risks/whether the problem is DIYable.

I actually just fixed our washer (agitator wasn't rotating) and dryer (drum wasn't rotating) and they were decently easy fixes - having a handyperson would've been $100 for an diagnostic visit alone (each) plus parts (upcharged by 3x) and additional labor - so probably $350+. Whereas it took me total of 2 hours and $40 in parts + I gained some knowledge in case of future problems. Yes, I'm proud of it, haha.

Now, for more complicated or dangerous tasks (electrical/plumbing), it's easier to justify calling a handyperson the first time around.

So with that in mind, it could help to do a quick google/YouTube lookup of the issue and its solution. If it seems doable, give it a shot, you might be surprised! If not, well at least you tried. If your DH is like me, I think he'd appreciate the effort and I think that's what matters most.

So, I get your point of view and I think it's valid, but I feel like this is a part of a bigger discussion with a spouse about spending and what's important to each partner.

I can't think of any home repair type thing I've done that's taken 15 minutes of tutorial and one trip to get $20 of parts. Not even when the kids accidentally ground up a small glass in the garbage disposal. I would not be amused if my husband gave me a hard time for hiring a handyman if we could afford it with the attitude that, hey, a few hours of your day is worth less than my annoyance at spending money we have.

I think it's actually more of an issue of how you problem solve. The thing is OP hasn't specified what these tasks are (other than them being boring/routine, which makes me think they're relatively easy to take care of) or whether she's taken the 10 minutes to assess whether they're doable from a time/$$ standpoint. I think it's hard to argue whether something should be an annoyance without at least that initial assessment of the time/$$ of the problem. If after that, you still find it annoying, then okay.

Btw it's going to take 5 minutes anyway to find a vendor, discuss the problem, and get a quote.

Also "a few hours of your day" is an investment for solving recurring issues and ongoing maintenance, which I think most posters are ignoring.

And I think you are ignoring the fact that there are two adults involved in the conversation while it's clear you think your point of view is right the other person gets a say as well.

[Anonymous]

Give it a timeline.

"OK, if you can get it fixed by X date, that's great. If not, I will be calling someone to get it fixed. I'll email you a reminder of the date so you can put it on the calendar if you wish."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just call and get the grout fixed. Stop talking to him about it. That is my sincere answer I'm not being snarky.

+1 just hire someone and get it done, agree!