Divorce when kids go to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married or divorced has nothing to do with paying for college

Yes it does. When you're married, you're much more likely to cooperate about how much each parent should be compared to when you're divorced.

That is completely untrue. Most divorced couples do not take their kids college money away if they were ever going to pay for it in the first place. What a ridiculous statement and chances are you don’t know that money divorce people because what you just said is ludicrous. My parents are married and they didn’t pay I am divorced and my kids college is paid for… because we are both paying it because we’re not bad parents.

I am on a number of "paying for college" Facebook groups and I assure you that "my ex is refusing to contribute to paying for college and won't even cooperate in filling out the FAFSA and CSS forms" is a very, very common problem.

"My ex withdrew my kid's 529 money and bought a sports car with it" has been known to happen.

"My ex refuses to pay for college because his new wife thinks he should spend it on her and on her kids" also happens. A lot.

That is because they are jerks. Not because they are divorced.

Getting divorced greatly increases the likelihood of your ex turning into a jerk. Ask me how I know!

A divorce increases the “jerkyness”. Your ex was already acting like a J.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

Good advice, thank you.

NP, and one whose parents divorced while I was in my mid-20s - parents divorcing when their kids are adults really sucks, for various reasons. Part of it is the rug being pulled out from under you during a time when *most* young adults are still building their independent lives. Another part is the general lack of support these kids get from others; SO many people, even friends, basically told me it was no big deal and wondered why I cared. And another part is the longer-term implications of waiting later in life to divorce. There's less time to find a new partner, if someone wants that, but also less time to establish financial stability. Caring for aging parents is hard enough; caring for aging parents who are floundering related to their divorces just sucks.

tl;dr - divorce as soon as you know you want to. Waiting "for the kids" rarely does them any favors.

[Anonymous]

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Seems convenient

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to get divorced do it now and just ask your lawyer to put it in the divorce agreement that DH will continue to provide health insurance of equal or greater value than the kid has now, to age 26 or whatever the law is, and will provide funds for tuition plus room and board and meal plans for four years of in state tuition.

I would never sign that agreement.

Bummer. Glad my ex and I were able to put the best interests of our children first and stick to that. All our kids are going to college and nobody's worrying or unsure of how it's being paid for.

Yep, the guy above who wouldn’t sign the agreement is a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

My ex- and I separated when our youngest child was a sophomore in college. We kept the family home until the youngest graduated from college. The kids are both college graduates and doing fine. They see happier parents now than the last few years prior to separation.

As a college graduate myself, I don’t think that 18-year-olds who are living away from home in college dormitories are so fragile that an unhappy marriage should remain in place for fear of disrupting their college lives far from home. If they are that fragile, they probably should not have gone to a college far from home. My ex- and I have made sure that our kids feel supported and loved, without thinking that they are unable to process their parent’s separation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did this. Both spouses work. Both pay college costs. 529 Plan was already in place. There have been no arguments about this whatsoever. And kids say everyone is happier.

How large is the difference in parental income? You both make about the same? That would make it relatively easy.

When one parent makes 3x or more what the other parent makes, the parent with the lesser income is very likely to argue that the high-earner should pay ALL the college costs and the low-earner should not have to contribute at all, not even 20% or 25% of the costs.

One spouse makes about double what the other spouse makes but both of us are professionals. I have to admit that having a couple of hundred thousand dollars in the 529 account helped reduce the tension over this issue.

The bigger issue was the valuation of the marital home, but we both really wanted to avoid conflict that would upset the young adult children, so we worked it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

My ex- and I separated when our youngest child was a sophomore in college. We kept the family home until the youngest graduated from college. The kids are both college graduates and doing fine. They see happier parents now than the last few years prior to separation.

As a college graduate myself, I don’t think that 18-year-olds who are living away from home in college dormitories are so fragile that an unhappy marriage should remain in place for fear of disrupting their college lives far from home. If they are that fragile, they probably should not have gone to a college far from home. My ex- and I have made sure that our kids feel supported and loved, without thinking that they are unable to process their parent’s separation and divorce.

I never suggested staying in an unhappy marriage. Kids might not be fragile when they leave for college. But if they come home to divorced parents, "pack up your things at Christmas so you can move into mom's apartment", etc, that's a lot of change at once.

As with anything they need to ease into the change. Mentally the parents are ready to move on, but adult kids might not be as far along on the acceptance path as you. Simply give them consideration during your split and divorce. Even though they are adults, they are not yet fully independent and still rely on you and your house as their home base. 21-22 year old will handle the change much better than an 18-19 year old. It takes time to completely break out to independence, and having to manage your parent's divorce in the middle of that can be difficult for some.

[Anonymous]

This is why I always tell parents who feel like they're going to divorce when the kid is in college to just DO IT NOW.

Financially, I have no comment. My parents' divorce attorneys negotiated all that for them.

But, emotionally for me as a college senior and my brother as a college freshman, it was TERRIBLE. I wish they had just done it when I was younger, at least then I would have had peers with similar experiences. Going through it as a young adult was deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues to this day.

(And, no, my parents didn't "fool" me with their 'happy marriage' until their divorce, either. We, as kids, knew something was up for years.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

Good advice, thank you.

NP, and one whose parents divorced while I was in my mid-20s - parents divorcing when their kids are adults really sucks, for various reasons. Part of it is the rug being pulled out from under you during a time when *most* young adults are still building their independent lives. Another part is the general lack of support these kids get from others; SO many people, even friends, basically told me it was no big deal and wondered why I cared. And another part is the longer-term implications of waiting later in life to divorce. There's less time to find a new partner, if someone wants that, but also less time to establish financial stability. Caring for aging parents is hard enough; caring for aging parents who are floundering related to their divorces just sucks.

tl;dr - divorce as soon as you know you want to. Waiting "for the kids" rarely does them any favors.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always tell parents who feel like they're going to divorce when the kid is in college to just DO IT NOW.

Financially, I have no comment. My parents' divorce attorneys negotiated all that for them.

But, emotionally for me as a college senior and my brother as a college freshman, it was TERRIBLE. I wish they had just done it when I was younger, at least then I would have had peers with similar experiences. Going through it as a young adult was deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues to this day.

(And, no, my parents didn't "fool" me with their 'happy marriage' until their divorce, either. We, as kids, knew something was up for years.)

My parents divorced when I was 5 and it was TERRIBLE for me - deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues from it to this day.

I think trauma is much less the product of the age of the kids when you divorce, but of how the divorce is conducted. My parents' divorce was extremely bitter and contentious, each parent hated the other (they still hate each other decades later), each parent demanded we take their side against the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always tell parents who feel like they're going to divorce when the kid is in college to just DO IT NOW.

Financially, I have no comment. My parents' divorce attorneys negotiated all that for them.

But, emotionally for me as a college senior and my brother as a college freshman, it was TERRIBLE. I wish they had just done it when I was younger, at least then I would have had peers with similar experiences. Going through it as a young adult was deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues to this day.

(And, no, my parents didn't "fool" me with their 'happy marriage' until their divorce, either. We, as kids, knew something was up for years.)

My parents divorced when I was 5 and it was TERRIBLE for me - deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues from it to this day.

I think trauma is much less the product of the age of the kids when you divorce, but of how the divorce is conducted. My parents' divorce was extremely bitter and contentious, each parent hated the other (they still hate each other decades later), each parent demanded we take their side against the other parent.

That is probably a huge factor, but as a counterpoint, my parents divorce when I was an adult was not contentious and yet I was still very traumatized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I always tell parents who feel like they're going to divorce when the kid is in college to just DO IT NOW.

Financially, I have no comment. My parents' divorce attorneys negotiated all that for them.

But, emotionally for me as a college senior and my brother as a college freshman, it was TERRIBLE. I wish they had just done it when I was younger, at least then I would have had peers with similar experiences. Going through it as a young adult was deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues to this day.

(And, no, my parents didn't "fool" me with their 'happy marriage' until their divorce, either. We, as kids, knew something was up for years.)

My parents divorced when I was 5 and it was TERRIBLE for me - deeply traumatizing and I still have lingering issues from it to this day.

I think trauma is much less the product of the age of the kids when you divorce, but of how the divorce is conducted. My parents' divorce was extremely bitter and contentious, each parent hated the other (they still hate each other decades later), each parent demanded we take their side against the other parent.

That is probably a huge factor, but as a counterpoint, my parents divorce when I was an adult was not contentious and yet I was still very traumatized.

Kids are traumatized no matter how old they are when their parents get divorced, and no matter how contentious the divorce is.

Obvious conclusion - parents should never get divorced.

[Anonymous]

I was in NY state at the time, but when my child went to college I was forced to pay child support until the child was 21. So the support could be (and was in our case) used for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife would threaten that--she was going to divorce me when the kids went to college. So I filed for divorce 8 years before the oldest went to college.

Answer the question or start your own thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all can easily afford it, why don’t you have 529’s now? Our oldest is 14 and her college is already paid for in a 529. Almost there with our younger DC.

It will be 529 plus other monies, and spouse has it, but might make it difficult. I do not make as much as spouse.

So have him move it into the 529 before the divorce.