Divorce when kids go to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

Children who don’t love or respect a parent who was done wrong don’t deserve a free college ride or an inheritance. When the kids are 18 they are free to educate themselves about what their mother did to cause the divorce and how she behaved afterwards. If they aren’t interested in learning the truth then they can go through life poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this. Both spouses work. Both pay college costs. 529 Plan was already in place. There have been no arguments about this whatsoever. And kids say everyone is happier.

How large is the difference in parental income? You both make about the same? That would make it relatively easy.

When one parent makes 3x or more what the other parent makes, the parent with the lesser income is very likely to argue that the high-earner should pay ALL the college costs and the low-earner should not have to contribute at all, not even 20% or 25% of the costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

My mother alienated us from our father. She denied him all contact with us from age 5 onwards - including moving us thousands of miles away. She threw away letters that he wrote to us. Eventually he moved on with his life and had more kids with his second wife. When I went to college she wrote (via her lawyer to his lawyer) to ask him for money and he said, "so sorry no can do." I have no doubt that the tone of her letter was not helpful, but who knows whether his lawyer passed along the exact verbiage.

I don't really blame him for refusing to pay at that point. She had spent 13+ years making sure we hated him and regarded him as the embodiment of human evil. If he'd paid for college that wouldn't have counteracted that.

In our case, it was our mom who was a manipulative vindictive jerk. She was using money as another tool to turn us against him - she made sure to tell us that she'd asked him for money and he'd said no. "See what a selfish pig he is? Just like I always told you!" There was no need at all for her to do that. It was only when my sister and I were adults and could reach out to him through the internet that we discovered that he wasn't a monster after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

Children who don’t love or respect a parent who was done wrong don’t deserve a free college ride or an inheritance. When the kids are 18 they are free to educate themselves about what their mother did to cause the divorce and how she behaved afterwards. If they aren’t interested in learning the truth then they can go through life poor.

The thing is divorce is never one parents fault. And kids who are minors have limited mental and psychological ability to process who did wrong and what. In fact, making your child to go through this mental processing is manipulative IMHO.
My exH cheated, not me. We divorced when son was 15 and I insisted on college obligation being part of divorce abs assets settlement. It’s contractual on him, but he behaves erratically with son. Last week dad beat up son on his custodial time . Son told him he wanted to live with mom, as my exH is just capable of consistent calm parenting and respecting his son’s opinions. Even if he takes son to make a haircut it must be the style dad wants, not the son. It irritates him immensely.
I will be taking my exH to court if he doesn’t pay as per terms of the divorce settlement and put a lien on his house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

[Anonymous]

529 accounts are marital property not kids property. If you don’t trust a spouse make sure the 529 is under yoir SSN and you have full password protected access

[Anonymous]

My friends whose parents divorced while they were in college were the most affected by the divorce. Friends whose parents divorced in elementary school or middle school were doing okay. Their parents went on to happily coparent, remarry and show what a normal marriage looks like. Friends whose parents divorced in college really had trouble dating and feeling secure in relationships. It's a bad time to divorce. Also wonder if their whole family was a lie growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

Children who don’t love or respect a parent who was done wrong don’t deserve a free college ride or an inheritance. When the kids are 18 they are free to educate themselves about what their mother did to cause the divorce and how she behaved afterwards. If they aren’t interested in learning the truth then they can go through life poor.

The thing is divorce is never one parents fault. And kids who are minors have limited mental and psychological ability to process who did wrong and what. In fact, making your child to go through this mental processing is manipulative IMHO.
My exH cheated, not me. We divorced when son was 15 and I insisted on college obligation being part of divorce abs assets settlement. It’s contractual on him, but he behaves erratically with son. Last week dad beat up son on his custodial time . Son told him he wanted to live with mom, as my exH is just capable of consistent calm parenting and respecting his son’s opinions. Even if he takes son to make a haircut it must be the style dad wants, not the son. It irritates him immensely.
I will be taking my exH to court if he doesn’t pay as per terms of the divorce settlement and put a lien on his house.

NP. Sometimes divorce is only one parent's fault. My relative just walked away from his entire family, closed the bank accounts and just left. He didn't want to have a family anymore. It had nothing to do with his wife and they hadn't even argued. He just had a mental breakdown basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

Children who don’t love or respect a parent who was done wrong don’t deserve a free college ride or an inheritance. When the kids are 18 they are free to educate themselves about what their mother did to cause the divorce and how she behaved afterwards. If they aren’t interested in learning the truth then they can go through life poor.

The thing is divorce is never one parents fault. And kids who are minors have limited mental and psychological ability to process who did wrong and what. In fact, making your child to go through this mental processing is manipulative IMHO.
My exH cheated, not me. We divorced when son was 15 and I insisted on college obligation being part of divorce abs assets settlement. It’s contractual on him, but he behaves erratically with son. Last week dad beat up son on his custodial time . Son told him he wanted to live with mom, as my exH is just capable of consistent calm parenting and respecting his son’s opinions. Even if he takes son to make a haircut it must be the style dad wants, not the son. It irritates him immensely.
I will be taking my exH to court if he doesn’t pay as per terms of the divorce settlement and put a lien on his house.

If this is true you have bigger problems than college tuition. I hope he pressed charges.

[Anonymous]

I think financials of college is what creates really a lot of instability for kids and is an inherent collateral damage of divorce. Imagine someone who lived a smilingly happy life with college plans, prosperity etc and out of a sudden the parent who makes most becomes a jerk who just blackmails you with his money ? Usually it’s exH they are financially better positioned to do thus vs exW. And they do retaliate via kids if she cheated. College is determinative factor for whole future life, kids don’t have salary, understand finances the adults are, they are totally dependent. It’s really scary, if you think about it. Actually the same as single mom who stayed at home and then gets kicked to the curb with nothing to her name.

It totally derailed my friends daughter (she overdosed and was saved but her grades in HS just ranked. No even SAT score).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married or divorced has nothing to do with paying for college

Lol, WTF… of course it does.

Selfish is as selfish does

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

What kind of awful parent would refuse to pay for their child's college (if they had the funds for it)? It should have nothing to do with the ex-spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not a matter of being selfish. If the children have been alienated from the father by the divorced mother, why would he pay for their college?

Because if the child is now in college, it means that child is now over 18 and an adult and no longer living full time with the mother that presumably alienated them, so the loving father that wants a relationship with their child would be interested in demonstrating to his child that he is a supportive father and not a manipulative vindictive jerk who is using money as a tool against the child.

Children who don’t love or respect a parent who was done wrong don’t deserve a free college ride or an inheritance. When the kids are 18 they are free to educate themselves about what their mother did to cause the divorce and how she behaved afterwards. If they aren’t interested in learning the truth then they can go through life poor.

The thing is divorce is never one parents fault. And kids who are minors have limited mental and psychological ability to process who did wrong and what. In fact, making your child to go through this mental processing is manipulative IMHO.
My exH cheated, not me. We divorced when son was 15 and I insisted on college obligation being part of divorce abs assets settlement. It’s contractual on him, but he behaves erratically with son. Last week dad beat up son on his custodial time . Son told him he wanted to live with mom, as my exH is just capable of consistent calm parenting and respecting his son’s opinions. Even if he takes son to make a haircut it must be the style dad wants, not the son. It irritates him immensely.
I will be taking my exH to court if he doesn’t pay as per terms of the divorce settlement and put a lien on his house.

If this is true you have bigger problems than college tuition. I hope he pressed charges.

Son refused to go to police. Dad is a well known figure, PhD, went to school give lectures, but a total a user at home. After divorce all his internal anger is directed at son, as I am now outside his reach.

I picked my son up and he will live now with me 100%. We will move to another state to change address abs also for in-state tuition. I can pay for his education from my savings and just told him it’s my concern not to worry at all. He’s an excellent student btw and his dad doesn’t deserve to have such a son at all. Good kids usually suffer the most. I will pursue the matter via courts when time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. Seen this many times. The timing is very very bad. I mean, it's always a bad time for your parents to divorce, but your first year away from home is pretty bad.

I kinda feel like this is the most important post in this thread, and it's gotten lost in all the talk about...college financing. What about the emotional well-being and development of an 18-year-old who finds out mom and dad are getting divorced.

The issues my husband and I have are not fixable, I don't even want to fix them anymore, but I go back and forth on whether I'm going to leave when our younger kid moves out or wait a little longer. Comments like this make me think I should try to hold out for at least another couple of years until he has his feet under him at school. I'd be curious to hear from others who have dealt with ths.

At very least, try to stay in the family house for a few years. College kids are only at college for 8 months. They still need a home for the other 1/3 of the year. If you take away that home while they are in the first semester, it's very difficult. Like having a rug pulled out from under you when you are already dealing with a ton of changes. By junior-senior year of college they are more settled into their new lives away from mom & dad.

Good advice, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to get divorced do it now and just ask your lawyer to put it in the divorce agreement that DH will continue to provide health insurance of equal or greater value than the kid has now, to age 26 or whatever the law is, and will provide funds for tuition plus room and board and meal plans for four years of in state tuition.

I would never sign that agreement.

Bummer. Glad my ex and I were able to put the best interests of our children first and stick to that. All our kids are going to college and nobody's worrying or unsure of how it's being paid for.