Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

[Anonymous]

I have an only.

There was a time when I loved reading these posts to remind myself of why I chose to stick with one. My spouse and I made the decision very simply: do we want to raise another child, or not?

There are way too many variables at play in sibling relationships and general family dynamics to come up with a good logical argument for having another child. You can’t predict the future. Some siblings get along, some don’t. Some abuse each other. Some lean on each other and divide duties when the parents die and some argue or become estranged. You just can’t predict how child 2 will affect child 1.

This is a question of the heart, not a question of logic.

Child 1: why did you have me?
Parents: because we desperately wanted you! OR because you were a happy surprise!
Child 2: awww, and why did you have me?
Parents: ….because we wanted to make sure your sibling had the optimal family structure that was most beneficial to their growth and development!
Child 2:…

You need to have a good answer for child #2. And in my opinion there is only one good answer: we WANTED you.

[Anonymous]

If you're really on the fence, I'd consider your current child's personality and how this child would be affected by having/not having a sibling. My older probably would have been OK as an only, but me and DH did want to have two kids. (I have a much harder time wrapping my head around the decision to have more than 2, but that's just me.)

One indirect benefit to my older child is that I realized just how different two kids from same parents can be, which helped me not to be so uptight about the role of parenting, which I think made life easier for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only.

There was a time when I loved reading these posts to remind myself of why I chose to stick with one. My spouse and I made the decision very simply: do we want to raise another child, or not?

There are way too many variables at play in sibling relationships and general family dynamics to come up with a good logical argument for having another child. You can’t predict the future. Some siblings get along, some don’t. Some abuse each other. Some lean on each other and divide duties when the parents die and some argue or become estranged. You just can’t predict how child 2 will affect child 1.

This is a question of the heart, not a question of logic.

Child 1: why did you have me?
Parents: because we desperately wanted you! OR because you were a happy surprise!
Child 2: awww, and why did you have me?
Parents: ….because we wanted to make sure your sibling had the optimal family structure that was most beneficial to their growth and development!
Child 2:…

You need to have a good answer for child #2. And in my opinion there is only one good answer: we WANTED you.

I agree with the bolded, but I don't think it's sufficient. I think you have to both want a child and honestly believe you can be a good parent to that child. Some people are garbage parents of more than one (or two, or whatever). Some (me) would struggle at parenting an only. Many are somewhere in the middle. But I know plenty of people who *wanted* a child, often a second or third, and didn't honestly assess their family's capacity to support another child.

All of which is to say: it's individual, OP. Can YOUR family support another child? PP was right that having one is simpler in many ways: less money, less time, etc., speaking generally of course. If you value that level of simplicity and flexibility above other things, stick with one. But maybe you have ample money and time for more than one and would really value the awesomeness of parenting more than one, of getting to know and love more than one child. In that case, have another, etc. Be honest about your capacity and about what you want for your life. There are so many ways to have a happy family, regardless of size.

[Anonymous]

I think the right answer is do you and your spouse want another child. The end.

I happen to be close friends with a lot of only children families and have seen these kids from birth to college at this point. Dynamics I notice:

-Only children tend to see themselves as part of the adult unit and act as such. It's less the parents in a marriage and the kids and more an equal threesome in terms of family decision making and dynamics. This has pros and cons. They are often very comfortable with adults, as a result.
-In only children families, the kid often comes along for what the adults are doing as opposed to kid-centric planning.
-All the only children I know speak of someone else in their life as "like a brother to me" or "like a sister to me" and that always strikes me as a bit sad because I have siblings and I also have very close friends in my life and the relationship isn't the same at all. I'm not sure if it's popular culture making them say those things or they genuinely just want to feel like they have that type of sibling relationship.
-Definitely a lot of focus on the one kid. How could there not be? The parents are getting to do everything only once and there is no other kid to focus on. It is what it is.
-NO SIBLING BICKERING! Sibling bickering sucks.
-But also no sibling fun. Sibling fun is pretty great.
-Only children families have so much more free time and adults have so much more personal time. No question.

Disclaimer: I understand this is not every only child or every only child family. I do not speak to every only child on the planet earth. These are observations of things I've seen.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 kids nearly 2.5 years apart in age. The benefit for having more than one kids is that they have playmates after the baby stage, and they each learn that neither of them have privileges and everything has to be shared. We don’t mean every only child, but those my kids have played with tend to exclude one of my kid, it could be lack of experience to have siblings to “practice” share at home. The cons of having more than one kid is that you may not be able to afford the best for all of your kids, either money or time related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're really on the fence, I'd consider your current child's personality and how this child would be affected by having/not having a sibling. My older probably would have been OK as an only, but me and DH did want to have two kids. (I have a much harder time wrapping my head around the decision to have more than 2, but that's just me.)

One indirect benefit to my older child is that I realized just how different two kids from same parents can be, which helped me not to be so uptight about the role of parenting, which I think made life easier for the kids.

YES!!!!!!

When I had more kids I realize that we are just along for the ride. They come who they are and we're just helping them be their best selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only.

There was a time when I loved reading these posts to remind myself of why I chose to stick with one. My spouse and I made the decision very simply: do we want to raise another child, or not?

There are way too many variables at play in sibling relationships and general family dynamics to come up with a good logical argument for having another child. You can’t predict the future. Some siblings get along, some don’t. Some abuse each other. Some lean on each other and divide duties when the parents die and some argue or become estranged. You just can’t predict how child 2 will affect child 1.

This is a question of the heart, not a question of logic.

Child 1: why did you have me?
Parents: because we desperately wanted you! OR because you were a happy surprise!
Child 2: awww, and why did you have me?
Parents: ….because we wanted to make sure your sibling had the optimal family structure that was most beneficial to their growth and development!
Child 2:…

You need to have a good answer for child #2. And in my opinion there is only one good answer: we WANTED you.

I agree with the bolded, but I don't think it's sufficient. I think you have to both want a child and honestly believe you can be a good parent to that child. Some people are garbage parents of more than one (or two, or whatever). Some (me) would struggle at parenting an only. Many are somewhere in the middle. But I know plenty of people who *wanted* a child, often a second or third, and didn't honestly assess their family's capacity to support another child.

All of which is to say: it's individual, OP. Can YOUR family support another child? PP was right that having one is simpler in many ways: less money, less time, etc., speaking generally of course. If you value that level of simplicity and flexibility above other things, stick with one. But maybe you have ample money and time for more than one and would really value the awesomeness of parenting more than one, of getting to know and love more than one child. In that case, have another, etc. Be honest about your capacity and about what you want for your life. There are so many ways to have a happy family, regardless of size.

Great point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

I also agree with this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

Great comment. The issue of geography is a good one. I am very happy as a parent of an only in a city, where resources are expensive, there are lots of other only children, and the logistics of having more kids could be really challenging. But many years ago we contemplated moving out of the city to a more suburban/rural life, and I am positive that if we'd don't that, we would have had at least two. It can really depend on what resources are available to your kids and also what resources are available to you (i.e. nearby family, lots of childcare choices you can afford, schools, etc.).

Also, we have two families we are close to who have only children within a couple years of our kid, and we spend a lot of time with them. It's not the same as siblings but since none of these kids have siblings, I'm not sure it matters. It has resolved a lot of our issues around worrying that our kid will be lonely or isolated. It also just helps to have friends who have the same family set up because you can support each other in ways another family not be able to. But this is possible because we live in a place were having an only is not that uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

I agree with this, but I would say it's true REGARDLESS of where you live. Go with what you think will make *you* the happiest and best parent, OP. Emotionally, financially, logistically, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you say that you were a single parent? I think that this will also play into the equation. Two kids are obviously, MUCH more difficult to raise by yourself, than one. I have a single friend that has two children. Their early teen years were really, really rough, and she felt like she was coming apart at the seams, with how stretched she was to manage all the demands on her time. Things are just starting to settle down a bit, now that they're a bit older.

I have an only, and have friends that have anything from 1-3 children. Most of the onlies, mine included, have wished they had siblings at some point in their lives (mine very specifically, wanted a girl twin). Almost all the kids with siblings have wished they didn't have siblings (or specific sibling), at some point in their lives. It all ebbs and flows, and changes from year to year.

In the end, you just don't know how the dynamics are going to end up, and whether they will end up having close relationships with their siblings. Lord knows there are plenty of people whose primary support system are their friends, and not relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

In my cousin's case it was about her being an only child. They had fertility issues and this was their one and only and they worshipped her and tried to give her everything. They were older parents (40s) and she was the center of their world. They catered to her as a child to the extremes. They were focused on wanting her to be happy and whatever she needed / wanted to be happy - they gave her. In many ways they were great parents - she had every opportunity in the world and the undivided attention of doting parents but all that attention and focus on her as a child who could truly do no wrong made her spoiled and entitled.