Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

A sibling can be tough too. My sister struggles with mental health issues. When she was a teenager she'd have these terrifying rages.

[Anonymous]

One thing that I didn't realize when making this decision is how much time kids take when they're older. They're obviously more independent in middle and high school but they need a lot of guidance and often transportation. Think beyond the baby days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that I didn't realize when making this decision is how much time kids take when they're older. They're obviously more independent in middle and high school but they need a lot of guidance and often transportation. Think beyond the baby days.

+1, your child will be a tween/teen in your home for much longer than they will be a baby/toddler. It’s often hard for parents to conceptualize what that will be like far in advance, but the biggest thing to think about us that a 10-18 year old is more like an adult than a baby. They have pretty firmed up personalities and they have complex emotional and social needs. It’s like having a housemate who is largely dependent on you for meals, transportation, social planning, and emotional support.

People worry so much about having a toddler and a baby in the house at the same time but no one ever thinks what it will be like to have a high school junior figuring out college apps and life plans at the same time as an 8th grader is still very much figuring out puberty. I promise this is harder than potty training and breastfeeding at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say I came in here to answer but seeing all the responses I want to let you know I had a second and he’s a freaking adorable smush and I didn’t know I could love both my kids so much because I adore my first kid. So I’m just gushing that you should have a second only if YOU want one and they can both be your everything

Of course you love your babies. That doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth or resources to be the best parent to all of those kids. I have religious family members that talk like you while continuing to have more kids. The families are **so in love ** and stressed and overextended. Wanting a baby is necessary, but not sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say I came in here to answer but seeing all the responses I want to let you know I had a second and he’s a freaking adorable smush and I didn’t know I could love both my kids so much because I adore my first kid. So I’m just gushing that you should have a second only if YOU want one and they can both be your everything

Of course you love your babies. That doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth or resources to be the best parent to all of those kids. I have religious family members that talk like you while continuing to have more kids. The families are **so in love ** and stressed and overextended. Wanting a baby is necessary, but not sufficient.

+1. Every time my sister has another baby (#4 now) she promptly shifts most of her attention over and largely ignores the other three. She also has no plan to pay for 4 college educations but doesn’t let that bother her one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say I came in here to answer but seeing all the responses I want to let you know I had a second and he’s a freaking adorable smush and I didn’t know I could love both my kids so much because I adore my first kid. So I’m just gushing that you should have a second only if YOU want one and they can both be your everything

Of course you love your babies. That doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth or resources to be the best parent to all of those kids. I have religious family members that talk like you while continuing to have more kids. The families are **so in love ** and stressed and overextended. Wanting a baby is necessary, but not sufficient.

+1. Every time my sister has another baby (#4 now) she promptly shifts most of her attention over and largely ignores the other three. She also has no plan to pay for 4 college educations but doesn’t let that bother her one bit.

I’m this poster and only have two and stopping firmly at two because of this come on, anything more than 2 you will be outnumbered and I know that. My husband is very much hands on and we are an awesome team. Baby is now turning 1 and I can’t believe I waited almost 4 years weighing the decision. We all love each other including older brother. I’m just saying make it be your decision don’t think about the sibling part so much like many posters mention here.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw other parents tell me they love having my only child over at their houses because she includes any siblings and neighborhood kids in whatever game they're playing. They don't know that she often comes home and says things like "having a full time younger brother would be totally annoying, but it can be fun for an afternoon."

[Anonymous]

Your child will learn to share, have a playmate, learn to handle disagreements, have a sibling to lean on, share responsibility to take care of parents when they age. There are unlimited benefits.

I have a friend who is married to an only child who is his parents’ EVERYTHING. He is literally his mother’s entire world.

He is a great guy but he is not used to compromising. He is used to always getting his way. He is very selfish. My friend is also super annoyed because his mother is so needy and gets hurt if they do not spend EVERY holiday with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child will learn to share, have a playmate, learn to handle disagreements, have a sibling to lean on, share responsibility to take care of parents when they age. There are unlimited benefits.

I have a friend who is married to an only child who is his parents’ EVERYTHING. He is literally his mother’s entire world.

He is a great guy but he is not used to compromising. He is used to always getting his way. He is very selfish. My friend is also super annoyed because his mother is so needy and gets hurt if they do not spend EVERY holiday with her.

The mother also gets jealous when they hang out with her family. My friend has 2 sisters and a brother. The kids have lots of cousins that their kids want to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone hating on the term "my everything" when it comes to our child(ren)?

Would it be better if a spouse was her everything? Or perhaps her mastery of yoga???

Some absurd comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone hating on the term "my everything" when it comes to our child(ren)?

Would it be better if a spouse was her everything? Or perhaps her mastery of yoga???

Some absurd comments.

My kids are absolutely my everything but I have 3. I take turns smothering them.

Dh and his brother are ten years apart. His parents divorced and his mom raised his brother alone. The mom totally smothered and suffocated BIL.

I don’t think it is healthy to be too into one person. I have had friends whose boyfriend was their everything. Also very unhealthy.

I wrote above about my friend’s husband who is his mom’s everything. She was a SAHM to her one child. Her whole world revolved around this one son. My friend is always annoyed how needy her MIL is. Her husband also is used to his mom doing everything for him so he doesn’t help out at home, which is another problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

OP I am having this same debate. My son is 4 and an only. I too am only child. My dh has a sister with a child, but they are not close. I don't anticipate my son having a close cousin or aunt relationship there. I will say that makes me want to try for a second child. I come from a small family, and I'd like my son to have some extended family. I know a sibling is no guarantee of a relationship (see eg my own DH) but seemingly having little to no relationship with the one aunt/cousin out there doesnt make me hopeful for the future.

It's hard bc life seems pretty perfect with him.

[Anonymous]

I'm 100000% happy with being one and done. We can travel, we can have adult conversations, yet we still have the full parenting experience and many of the joys and challenges that come with it. Put your sanity and your marriage first over hypothetical sibling benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids nearly 2.5 years apart in age. The benefit for having more than one kids is that they have playmates after the baby stage, and they each learn that neither of them have privileges and everything has to be shared. We don’t mean every only child, but those my kids have played with tend to exclude one of my kid, it could be lack of experience to have siblings to “practice” share at home. The cons of having more than one kid is that you may not be able to afford the best for all of your kids, either money or time related.

Contrary view: my only child is incredibly generous and willing to share, perhaps because she doesn't worry about competing for resources. And having a sibling doesn't mean that your kid will want to play with their friend's sibling.

+1. The sharing / spoiled thing is a weird myth. My only child is happy to share, happy to do whatever game the playmate wants, etc because she knows she can do her own activities at home. It's so odd to think there aren't opportunities to "practice" socially -- not only are there playdates, church, cousins, etc., but kids are in school 7 hours a day. I agree with some of the downsides mentioned elsewhere in this thread, but the idea only children are more frequently selfish or socially maladjusted is silly.

Somebody else recommended the book "One and Only" already, but it's a great read. It says that onlies basically turn out like first-borns. Unless you were a twin, every first-born was an only child for some formative years and yet culturally we don't freak out about that ....

+2. Also, if your only kid is in daycare like mine, they WILL learn the sharing lesson. Perhaps even more effectively than with siblings. My child had to learn to share with 8 other kids instead of just one or two. Agree with the "One & Only" book rec.

I am a firstborn with a younger sibling and studies show that if there is a large age gap, the elder kid's mentality is basically the same as an only child. I'm biased but I turned out fine!

[Anonymous]

I think I am a better mom mothering two kids than I would be just one. I would likely be too all over just one.