Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should’ve made this clear earlier, everyone is making the assumption that there are two of us parents. It is just me.

Definitely all the more reason to have two. The single mom-only child dynamic is often a really unhealthy dynamic that puts way too much pressure on the child- signed an only child in this position who now has an arms length relationship with my mom as a result.

Should add that with as the only parent I never felt like we were a real family. I gravitated to marrying a man from a big family and holidays with the in-laws are enjoyable/feel like real holidays whereas holidays with my mom are a somewhat depressing obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should’ve made this clear earlier, everyone is making the assumption that there are two of us parents. It is just me.

Definitely all the more reason to have two. The single mom-only child dynamic is often a really unhealthy dynamic that puts way too much pressure on the child- signed an only child in this position who now has an arms length relationship with my mom as a result.

Should add that with as the only parent I never felt like we were a real family. I gravitated to marrying a man from a big family and holidays with the in-laws are enjoyable/feel like real holidays whereas holidays with my mom are a somewhat depressing obligation.

I’m sorry you didn’t have a happy childhood, but there’s no reason why a single mom would be less likely to raise a child with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, family friends. Probably more likely actually. It makes sense that the reasons you distance yourself from your mom are the reasons she’s distanced from others, but that’s a her problem, not a single mom problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should’ve made this clear earlier, everyone is making the assumption that there are two of us parents. It is just me.

In this case: no, don't do it. The bandwidth to manage multiple crises is much more limited if you are flying solo. IIRC there is in fact some research on this; not much difference between dual parent families with an only vs dual parent with multiple kids, but a noticeable difference for single parents of onlies vs multiples.

[Anonymous]

We have 1. And we are practicing Catholics, so we are surrounded by HUGE families at our parish. My take is that there are great aspects about both large and small families. What matters is the love and care among the people in the family. Whatever happens, it will be ok, OP.

[Anonymous]

Having siblings has brought me so much comfort and joy in my adult life. I know it isn’t everyone’s experience, but I cannot imagine not having siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am middle eastern and believe in big families! I grew up surrounded by aunts and uncles and siblings and trust me a strong family unit does wonders for your mental health and well being (though there’s always the negative of everyone up in your business). There is always someone there for you no matter what. I think with increasing instability in the world, increasing suicide rates and loneliness etc, building a strong family unit is a good thing. But do it the middle eastern way! Actually spend time together instead of shuttling kids to different activities. Have dinner together every day, play board games, have a family movie night I have three kids and although each one has their own interests and we try to encourage that, we always prioritize family time and emphasize how they always have to stick together. [/quote

love this! thanks and so true re family time. ❤]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having siblings has brought me so much comfort and joy in my adult life. I know it isn’t everyone’s experience, but I cannot imagine not having siblings.

I have two siblings. One has brought me joy. The other has brought me pain. For my parents, who each had 3 siblings, it was pretty much all pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having siblings has brought me so much comfort and joy in my adult life. I know it isn’t everyone’s experience, but I cannot imagine not having siblings.

Same here. My sister is my ride or die

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child and I like being an only. I have two children and I really enjoy them both together and individually. They are such different people!

Don’t have a 2nd child for your other child. Have a 2nd because you want a 2nd child. Don’t worry about age differences because of some preconceived notion of good or bad sibling relationships. Time your pregnancy based on your mental and physical health, your finances, what season you want to be home on maternity leave, whatever matters to your and your partner.

Now that I read that OP is a single parent, I vote against a 2nd kid. I have two kids in lower elementary and kid’s activities, sports, teacher work days, holidays, etc. are no joke. People with kids my kindergartner’s age are starting to have a 3rd and I don’t know how they will manage with two full time working parents. I joke to my friends with 1 or 2 that no one should have a 3rd kid unless they have experienced at least 2 years of school for their oldest. I don’t think anyone should have 4+ unless one parent stays home or you have a live in nanny or au pair. It not about having enough love/attention/money for two kids. It’s about physically not being able to be in 2 places at once. You can’t be at soccer and baseball at the same time. You can’t comfort two sick kids at the same time. You never / rarely get a break from both kids. With one kid, you will soon enter the world of drop off parties and play dates - which I imagine are amazing for a single parent so that you have an hour or two to run errands or just be alone.

[Anonymous]

I would not have a second child as a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this perspective was shared already, but I’m an only child and turned out fine. With that said, as an adult, I’m envious of my friends who are close with their siblings because those are sort of like built in friends that you can visit for holidays, travel together with, etc. I also had some lonely years as a kid when we moved around and I wasn’t the best amaking friends. My kids also wont have cousins (DH is also an only) so I’m a little sad about that.

For those reasons （among others) I decided to have 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't use one child to benefit another child. You should stick with only

[Anonymous]

I am an only and appreciate being an only.

My kid is an only (teen) and feels the same. They are self-aware and articulate enough to sometimes say they wish they had a sibling in the summer and on vacation (but only a brother, and only close in age, as if that were possible to guarantee). They also see the positives.

Pros:
- I personally now see that I was made to be an only and am good as a parent of an only.
- I am 90% a great mom, 90% a great wife, and 90% great at my job. Which is all great. Throw another kid in the mix...might not be the same results.
- Finances: where we live, school district, vacations, club sports, etc... are all easier to afford and not hem and haw over.
- My kid is independent, social but not super social, smart, resourced, and happy.

Cons:
- My kid is an only child AND grandchild. That's nice. But not the real world. They do have local 2nd cousins the same age.
- I worry about loneliness, both with me and my parents when they are gone and not having a sibling to experience that with. I worry about that for my child, but I hope they will have a partner and their own circle. I also see friends with siblings that make these things harder and more awful, and this isn't a one off, it happens a lot that someone has to caretaker for, financially support, argue with, or be upset by a sibling as an adult.

There is some what-if wistfulness in having an only. And simple people can be jerks about it. But all in all it's a great trade off for my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only and appreciate being an only.

My kid is an only (teen) and feels the same. They are self-aware and articulate enough to sometimes say they wish they had a sibling in the summer and on vacation (but only a brother, and only close in age, as if that were possible to guarantee). They also see the positives.

Pros:
- I personally now see that I was made to be an only and am good as a parent of an only.
- I am 90% a great mom, 90% a great wife, and 90% great at my job. Which is all great. Throw another kid in the mix...might not be the same results.
- Finances: where we live, school district, vacations, club sports, etc... are all easier to afford and not hem and haw over.
- My kid is independent, social but not super social, smart, resourced, and happy.

Cons:
- My kid is an only child AND grandchild. That's nice. But not the real world. They do have local 2nd cousins the same age.
- I worry about loneliness, both with me and my parents when they are gone and not having a sibling to experience that with. I worry about that for my child, but I hope they will have a partner and their own circle. I also see friends with siblings that make these things harder and more awful, and this isn't a one off, it happens a lot that someone has to caretaker for, financially support, argue with, or be upset by a sibling as an adult.

There is some what-if wistfulness in having an only. And simple people can be jerks about it. But all in all it's a great trade off for my family.

I hear you. I'm an only and the idea that my parents will only have me as they get older is scary. DH is also an only. We have 2 kids but they will have no cousins (perhaps 2nd cousins but far apart in age). Neither DH or I are close to our cousins. Our parents all have multiple siblings but are not particularly close to them (they are immigrants so much of the families are abroad).

I do wish we had more people in our lives, but I recognize that I'm thinking best case scenario where we have a big happy family where everyone likes each other and gets along. It also isn't that way. And more people can mean more problems, I suppose?

I'm trying to focus more appreciating what I have instead of thinking about what I don't have (and can't get). There's always something else to want, but some things you just can't change.

[Anonymous]

My only child and I both really wish they had a sibling.