Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

Mom of an only married to an only whose best friend was an only…I have three brothers. All have good and bad things but the one really shitty thing about having an only is people who know an only, find the one negative thing about him or her, and attribute this flaw as having come from being an only, and also assuming all only children have said flaw. Selfish is kind of the classic one but I think reading this thread you’ll get a taste.

Only kids are kids! Just like all other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I am a better mom mothering two kids than I would be just one. I would likely be too all over just one.

I wanted to add to this - my second taught me patience and how to be more calm and understanding I am a better mother to my first because of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I am a better mom mothering two kids than I would be just one. I would likely be too all over just one.

I wanted to add to this - my second taught me patience and how to be more calm and understanding I am a better mother to my first because of it

But you can’t prove the negative. I bet you, like most parents of one, would have learned patience and balance with more time and experience. If you had a second when your first was a toddler or preschooler, you just don’t know how you would have grown as a more experienced parent. But if you learned those skills with two, I’m confident you would have learned them with one as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I am a better mom mothering two kids than I would be just one. I would likely be too all over just one.

I wanted to add to this - my second taught me patience and how to be more calm and understanding I am a better mother to my first because of it

But you can’t prove the negative. I bet you, like most parents of one, would have learned patience and balance with more time and experience. If you had a second when your first was a toddler or preschooler, you just don’t know how you would have grown as a more experienced parent. But if you learned those skills with two, I’m confident you would have learned them with one as well.

DP - but you learn to parent differently - you’re forced to, really - when you have more than one kid. Plenty of parents don’t learn certain parenting skills until the situation requires it and with one kid, there are fewer variables. That’s not a criticism of having one child, it’s just one important way that parenting one vs. more than one differs. Sure, maybe this PP would have eventually learned patience if she’d stuck with one, but probably not the same way as she did with two.

Also, plenty of parents express similar sentiments, that having more than kid required them to divide their attention and, thus, chill out a bit when they weren’t attending to one kid all the time, and nothing horrible happened. Again, not a criticism of having one child.

[Anonymous]

I am middle eastern and believe in big families! I grew up surrounded by aunts and uncles and siblings and trust me a strong family unit does wonders for your mental health and well being (though there’s always the negative of everyone up in your business). There is always someone there for you no matter what. I think with increasing instability in the world, increasing suicide rates and loneliness etc, building a strong family unit is a good thing. But do it the middle eastern way! Actually spend time together instead of shuttling kids to different activities. Have dinner together every day, play board games, have a family movie night I have three kids and although each one has their own interests and we try to encourage that, we always prioritize family time and emphasize how they always have to stick together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am middle eastern and believe in big families! I grew up surrounded by aunts and uncles and siblings and trust me a strong family unit does wonders for your mental health and well being (though there’s always the negative of everyone up in your business). There is always someone there for you no matter what. I think with increasing instability in the world, increasing suicide rates and loneliness etc, building a strong family unit is a good thing. But do it the middle eastern way! Actually spend time together instead of shuttling kids to different activities. Have dinner together every day, play board games, have a family movie night I have three kids and although each one has their own interests and we try to encourage that, we always prioritize family time and emphasize how they always have to stick together.

I often see a lot of drama and jealousy in these big families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

This, and I really don’t know any only children who are well adjusted adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say I came in here to answer but seeing all the responses I want to let you know I had a second and he’s a freaking adorable smush and I didn’t know I could love both my kids so much because I adore my first kid. So I’m just gushing that you should have a second only if YOU want one and they can both be your everything

Of course you love your babies. That doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth or resources to be the best parent to all of those kids. I have religious family members that talk like you while continuing to have more kids. The families are **so in love ** and stressed and overextended. Wanting a baby is necessary, but not sufficient.

+1. Every time my sister has another baby (#4 now) she promptly shifts most of her attention over and largely ignores the other three. She also has no plan to pay for 4 college educations but doesn’t let that bother her one bit.

My mom was like thus. She loooooved babies. Would’ve had as many as my dad would agree too. The problem with this is that she was a great mom to babies, but babies grow up and become kids fairly quickly. She was pretty uninterested in us as kids and even more uninterested in us as adults.

[Anonymous]

I deeply regret not giving my child a sibling. They are introverted and we don’t have much extended family, and they’ve repeatedly said they feel lonely and wish they had a sibling. I also wanted a second child, so the only one who didn’t was my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone hating on the term "my everything" when it comes to our child(ren)?

Would it be better if a spouse was her everything? Or perhaps her mastery of yoga???

Some absurd comments.

It’s too much pressure to put on anyone, child or adult. Kids are not for your emotional sustenance. That’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deeply regret not giving my child a sibling. They are introverted and we don’t have much extended family, and they’ve repeatedly said they feel lonely and wish they had a sibling. I also wanted a second child, so the only one who didn’t was my spouse.

Then it would have destroyed your marriage or at least damaged it.

You made the right call. All choices have downsides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am middle eastern and believe in big families! I grew up surrounded by aunts and uncles and siblings and trust me a strong family unit does wonders for your mental health and well being (though there’s always the negative of everyone up in your business). There is always someone there for you no matter what. I think with increasing instability in the world, increasing suicide rates and loneliness etc, building a strong family unit is a good thing. But do it the middle eastern way! Actually spend time together instead of shuttling kids to different activities. Have dinner together every day, play board games, have a family movie night I have three kids and although each one has their own interests and we try to encourage that, we always prioritize family time and emphasize how they always have to stick together.

I often see a lot of drama and jealousy in these big families.

+1. I love my large Italian family but there is drama I do not want. Would rather have a million cousins than have a million siblings or children.

-Mom from big family who has an only by choice

[Anonymous]

As I tell my only child, there a benefits and drawbacks to every situation. I'm the oldest of 5, and then went on to have an only child. You can't gurantee what one versus two would look like, so just do what you want to do, your child will be fine either way as long as they feel loved and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deeply regret not giving my child a sibling. They are introverted and we don’t have much extended family, and they’ve repeatedly said they feel lonely and wish they had a sibling. I also wanted a second child, so the only one who didn’t was my spouse.

They could still feel lonely with a sibling. They aren't automatically destined to get along. And introverted doesn't mean shy, they are two different things. I'm introverted, but I enjoy socializing, I just need rest afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should’ve made this clear earlier, everyone is making the assumption that there are two of us parents. It is just me.

Definitely all the more reason to have two. The single mom-only child dynamic is often a really unhealthy dynamic that puts way too much pressure on the child- signed an only child in this position who now has an arms length relationship with my mom as a result.