Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

DP but my only absolutely knows that they are always my first pick and are my most important child (and only child). And also they have learned to compromise (not just with others but with parents), negotiated. They definitely know life is not always fair and they get along well with others. But also feel very secure in the knowledge that we love them best of all. One does not preclude the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - almost 4 years apart. The 4 years wasn't intentional but just how it worked out. I never wanted or intended to have an only. I have one sibling (brother) and we are reasonably close. I had a blast growing up with him.

I will say that the first years with my first daughter were magical and enjoyable. I have fond memories of that time.

I was honestly worried about having two girls because my experience of that with my girl cousins who were sisters is they HATED each other - and in adulthood are not close. But my girls are close and I am incredible happy they have this bond for life.

I think is totally a personal choice and I have no hangups about onlies. They are different and privileged in a way because they have the sole attention of two grown ups but the ones I've known are normal kids.

I also admit I wanted a sibling for my first child for morbid reasons - God forbid something happen to one of the children. And so that when their father and I die they aren't totally alone.

OP here. This is a huge consideration for me, too. One of my parents was an only child and did not like it. My closest friend is an only child and has serious struggles being in a relationship. I am fine with just one I just wanted peoples thoughts on whether or not to may be better for my child from a huge picture of perspective. This includes after I pass away. It would be nice for them to have each other.

Having a sibling is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. I would base it off how badly YOU want another child. It’s hard to predict whether it would be better or worse for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

To answer OP's question, this is why another kid benefits your current child. Because it is not good for a kid to be mom's "everything."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

This is such a tired refrain. I'm an only child and guess what I learned how to compromise, negotiate and how to get along with others. It is possible to learn these things without a sibling.

Thank you. As an only, I knew there would soon be comments like the one PP responded to. Bottom line is there is no perfect family size. People and families are different. For every miserable only child, there are plenty of us who had a wonderful experience. There are plenty of people with close bonds with their siblings and plenty like my DH and his brother who couldn’t be more opposite or distant if they tried. Have the family that feels right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

This is such a tired refrain. I'm an only child and guess what I learned how to compromise, negotiate and how to get along with others. It is possible to learn these things without a sibling.

OP here. Thank you, this is the kind of direct feedback I was looking for. I guess my question is not necessarily whether you need a sibling to develop well, I’m just saying/asking -would you like to have a sibling? Our family is tiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

To answer OP's question, this is why another kid benefits your current child. Because it is not good for a kid to be mom's "everything."

Having another child is certainly not the only way to avoid this. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls - almost 4 years apart. The 4 years wasn't intentional but just how it worked out. I never wanted or intended to have an only. I have one sibling (brother) and we are reasonably close. I had a blast growing up with him.

I will say that the first years with my first daughter were magical and enjoyable. I have fond memories of that time.

I was honestly worried about having two girls because my experience of that with my girl cousins who were sisters is they HATED each other - and in adulthood are not close. But my girls are close and I am incredible happy they have this bond for life.

I think is totally a personal choice and I have no hangups about onlies. They are different and privileged in a way because they have the sole attention of two grown ups but the ones I've known are normal kids.

I also admit I wanted a sibling for my first child for morbid reasons - God forbid something happen to one of the children. And so that when their father and I die they aren't totally alone.

OP here. This is a huge consideration for me, too. One of my parents was an only child and did not like it. My closest friend is an only child and has serious struggles being in a relationship. I am fine with just one I just wanted peoples thoughts on whether or not to may be better for my child from a huge picture of perspective. This includes after I pass away. It would be nice for them to have each other.

Having a sibling is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. I would base it off how badly YOU want another child. It’s hard to predict whether it would be better or worse for your kid.

Absolutely! And your happiness will affect how happy both kids are with their sibling status. Many of my friends are onlies and very happy adults with very close friend groups and excellent relationships with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

benefits of having a sibling:

1. you have someone else who remembers your parents after they have passed away, and remembers you as a child.
2. You have a larger family as an adult (siblings family -- nieces/nephews, your kids have cousins = more interestingness)
3. you learn that you are not the center of the universe. this is a VERY GOOD thing (especially since you say she is "your everything.")
4. you have someone to play with at home. just ask some parents of only vs. siblings during the pandemic

cons:

1. your relationship with your parents changes (they cannot be as attentive), and that can be sad.
2. when your kids fight with each other/hurt each other, it feels brutal. your "mama bear" instinct to protect will turn on, but against your other child!
3. family resources are divided.

[Anonymous]

I was an only and was/am happy about it. I intend for my toddler to be an only as well. A lot of it comes down to resources. We're comfortable but don't have that much money. We'll be able to provide so much more to just one. As an only child myself I think I developed a level of maturity faster as I was around adults more.

There's also the gamble that if you have another they will have issues that detract from your first child's experience. My spouse and a very close friend have younger siblings that had mental/behavioral issues that seriously drained on the family when they were younger. To this day they still have family relation issues with how everything was handled and continues to be handled with the difficult younger sibling. It's a crap shoot if the next child will actually turn out to be a good companion to your first.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP -- personally, we decided to have two kids for the above reasons. my husband is an only (and a very well-adjusted, lovely person ) and my only sibling has a severe mental illness, so we don't have a normal relatipnship with him (he doesn't live independently or have a family of his own).

Part of my reasoning for having two kids was because our family is so tiny... the thought of my first child having no first cousins and no siblings as an adult just broke my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

To answer OP's question, this is why another kid benefits your current child. Because it is not good for a kid to be mom's "everything."

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

This is such a tired refrain. I'm an only child and guess what I learned how to compromise, negotiate and how to get along with others. It is possible to learn these things without a sibling.

OP here. Thank you, this is the kind of direct feedback I was looking for. I guess my question is not necessarily whether you need a sibling to develop well, I’m just saying/asking -would you like to have a sibling? Our family is tiny.

NP who is an only but no, I do not wish I had a sibling. I had tons of friends growing up and also developed a love for independent time. I always felt loved by my parents but they made sure I had socialization and learned how to compromise, share, and that I didn’t need to be entertained by others 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

wonderful summary. as parent of an only - my main anxiety are family vacations and making sure she's entertained/not bored. but day to day, its been great. we also live in a tight-knit social community so there is plenty of opportunity for socializing either with school friends/neighbors. and major plus is more resources for vacations, activities etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP -- personally, we decided to have two kids for the above reasons. my husband is an only (and a very well-adjusted, lovely person ) and my only sibling has a severe mental illness, so we don't have a normal relatipnship with him (he doesn't live independently or have a family of his own).

Part of my reasoning for having two kids was because our family is so tiny... the thought of my first child having no first cousins and no siblings as an adult just broke my heart.

Mine, too. My child keeps asking about little brothers and sisters because everyone I have events tends to have younger siblings who are about 18 months to two years apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

I don’t think you were - this dynamic is common in one-child families and it’s damaging for both parent and kid.