Only child versus having more than one

[Anonymous]

I have 3. I love how to they play, fight, make up, and love each other. It is chaos and so much for us parents.

It's always better to have sibling(s) if they grow up in a loving family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Thank you for your eloquent and extremely thoughtful response. It is much appreciated.

I would be very interested to see your list regarding the Family, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

To answer OP's question, this is why another kid benefits your current child. Because it is not good for a kid to be mom's "everything."

Having another child is certainly not the only way to avoid this. Good grief.

Not only would it not help you avoid it, it could compound it. It sounds like OP was just being hyperbolic (I, too, have said my kid is my "everything" but I don't mean it literally -- I have lots of other relationships and interests and a career and also have boundaries with my child), but if this was an issue, then you are setting yourself for a situation where either you first is used to your total attention and will be devastated if/when it transfers to the second child. Or the second child can never live up to your close bond with your first because they can never have that same 1:1 experience, and your second child winds up suffering in never feeling as wanted or as love. Especially if you have the second kid primarily for the benefit of the first!

As the parent of an only, one thing I always remind myself is that there are no parenting shortcuts. Everyone has to teach their kids right from from, everyone has to negotiate relationships with their kids, establish boundaries, etc. You can't just have three kids and then never worry again about your children being lonely or having social skills. And you can't just have one and figure it will save you the trouble of teaching your kid to share or compromise. All parents have to do it all or face consequences. In this sense, there are no parenting "hacks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

DP but my only absolutely knows that they are always my first pick and are my most important child (and only child). And also they have learned to compromise (not just with others but with parents), negotiated. They definitely know life is not always fair and they get along well with others. But also feel very secure in the knowledge that we love them best of all. One does not preclude the other.

+1. I'm an only child and so is my kid. I've absolutely learned to compromise and negotiate and that life isn't fair. I think these kinds of comments are more born out of common stereotypes about only child that mostly aren't back up by data (https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211116-why-only-children-are-still-stereotyped-as-selfish-and-spoilt). I don't look back on my childhood and wish I had siblings at all. I was very happy. I'm a little more introverted than average and I tend to form a small number of close relationships, but that's true of my parents, too, so who knows. My kid does feel a little sad that she doesn't have siblings, but that's because she's thinking of missing playmates, not someone she's going to fight with or who takes away my attention. The only thing I'd really say I miss as an only child is larger family gatherings, but on the other hand my spouse has a sibling and the logistics of getting everyone to together are hard and holidays often end up fragmented anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

I don’t think you were - this dynamic is common in one-child families and it’s damaging for both parent and kid.

Okay.

[Anonymous]

There are pluses and minuses. But mostly plusses.

My oldest has a bunch of mental health issues. One of her therapists (who kinda sucked but I don't disagree with her) said that one of the reasons my child struggles is because when a three-year old has their parents' sole attention and then suddenly a sibling takes more than half, it can be a bit traumatic, especially if the first is a naturally more sensitive child.

But, my kids are so amazing together. They love each other so much. They get irritated at each other but rarely fight. They love spending time with each other and their personalities just work so well together. This gets a bit dark, but my oldest sometimes has suicidal ideations and talking with her therapist about reasons to live, they say their biggest reason to live is their brother.

They are 10 and 13 and I really just think our family is perfect as-is.

But sometimes having a younger sibling can be bad for the older one. Maybe the younger has special needs and the older one doesn't get their own needs met. Maybe they just don't get along and fight a lot. Maybe you will get overwhelmed and just not able to care for them as well as you'd like. You just can't know what the future holds.

But I think that on average, it's great for a kid to have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Thank you for your eloquent and extremely thoughtful response. It is much appreciated.

I would be very interested to see your list regarding the Family, too.

Ok. My me-focused reasons for preferring having an only are:

- More money for everything -- for my kid, for myself, for retirement, for vacation. We buy less of everything, it's easier to budget, it's easier to save. Fewer years of childcare, fewer activities to pay for, only one college education to save for. This is a huge relief to me and has enable both my DH and I to make some lifestyle choices around work that allow us to have less intense jobs with shorter hours while still having plenty of money to do what we want. If we'd had another child we would not have been able to do that, especially because the upfront costs of moving to a larger home (we have a small and perfect 2-bedroom with a den for guests and we love it but would have moved with another kid) and childcare would have required specific choices at that moment in time that I'm glad we didn't have to make.

- We both get more alone time because we can tag-team our one kid really easily. More time for myself, more 1:1 time with my kid, more 1:1 time with my DH. More time. Time has long been my most valued scarce resource so I was very conscientious about wanting to have kids in a way that wouldn't result in me feeling time pressed all the time.

- More compact families are easier. It's easier to eat out. It's easier to travel. Heck, we take up less room on a sidewalk. This doesn't matter to everyone but it matters to me. I like that we can get away with less stuff, less planning, less complicated logistics for everything.

- And finally I just like the experience of going through the stage of child development and parenting once and then moving on. I loved the baby phase, the toddler phase, the preschooler phase, and now I love the elementary kid phase. Every phase has it's hard aspects but I can always remind myself that they don't last forever and once my kid matures in a particular way, I never have to deal with a toddler tantrum or a dirty diaper again. This helps me really appreciate the great things about each phase. I know some parents lament their child's growth because it means no more baby time or no more cute little kid days, but for whatever reason, I don't feel that way. I have those memories, they are dear to me. But now I get to fully focus on the current phase without dealing with the limitations or challenges of a previous phase with another kid. It allows me to be in the moment. Again, not for everyone but it really suits my personality and preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

I want to address this part of your post. I think we parents create a lot of pressure to have our kids in a short time frame so they’ll “be close in age.” But I would say only do that if it really works for you (i.e. you know you want another and you don’t want to prolong the baby phase or your fertility is otherwise in decline). Don’t plan the spacing just because some perceived benefit to your child.

I have 3 kids. My first 2 were close together (2 years apart and the same gender). Then there is a 5 year gap until baby #3 came along. Guess who is most adored by their siblings? Yup, my older two butt heads constantly. Despite the relative close-ness in age and being boys, they have very different personalities and interests. But their baby sister … oh they just LOVE her.

My mom is also closest to her little brother who is many years younger than her vs. her closer in age brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

I don’t think you were - this dynamic is common in one-child families and it’s damaging for both parent and kid.

Sure, you know OP more than she knows herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

I think that my oldest is a lot like your only. She loves being alone, can entertain herself for long periods of time, we have really strong relationships because I do spend a lot of one-on-one time with her, she has her very specific interests and is very much her own person.

My youngest really cannot play by himself, but I think that's just his personality. Maybe he would be better if he wasn't such an extrovert, but I know a lot of parents of single kids have to be their child's playmate. Also he is very into his own interests and they don't overlap at all with his older siblings.


Basically I don't think you can say that any of these pros and cons are going to be different based on one sibling or two. Except of course the financial one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3. I love how to they play, fight, make up, and love each other. It is chaos and so much for us parents.

It's always better to have sibling(s) if they grow up in a loving family.

Do you have at least one research study that show this or is this your opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Thank you for your eloquent and extremely thoughtful response. It is much appreciated.

I would be very interested to see your list regarding the Family, too.

Ok. My me-focused reasons for preferring having an only are:

- More money for everything -- for my kid, for myself, for retirement, for vacation. We buy less of everything, it's easier to budget, it's easier to save. Fewer years of childcare, fewer activities to pay for, only one college education to save for. This is a huge relief to me and has enable both my DH and I to make some lifestyle choices around work that allow us to have less intense jobs with shorter hours while still having plenty of money to do what we want. If we'd had another child we would not have been able to do that, especially because the upfront costs of moving to a larger home (we have a small and perfect 2-bedroom with a den for guests and we love it but would have moved with another kid) and childcare would have required specific choices at that moment in time that I'm glad we didn't have to make.

- We both get more alone time because we can tag-team our one kid really easily. More time for myself, more 1:1 time with my kid, more 1:1 time with my DH. More time. Time has long been my most valued scarce resource so I was very conscientious about wanting to have kids in a way that wouldn't result in me feeling time pressed all the time.

- More compact families are easier. It's easier to eat out. It's easier to travel. Heck, we take up less room on a sidewalk. This doesn't matter to everyone but it matters to me. I like that we can get away with less stuff, less planning, less complicated logistics for everything.

- And finally I just like the experience of going through the stage of child development and parenting once and then moving on. I loved the baby phase, the toddler phase, the preschooler phase, and now I love the elementary kid phase. Every phase has it's hard aspects but I can always remind myself that they don't last forever and once my kid matures in a particular way, I never have to deal with a toddler tantrum or a dirty diaper again. This helps me really appreciate the great things about each phase. I know some parents lament their child's growth because it means no more baby time or no more cute little kid days, but for whatever reason, I don't feel that way. I have those memories, they are dear to me. But now I get to fully focus on the current phase without dealing with the limitations or challenges of a previous phase with another kid. It allows me to be in the moment. Again, not for everyone but it really suits my personality and preferences.

Thank you, again, fantastic points!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

I think that my oldest is a lot like your only. She loves being alone, can entertain herself for long periods of time, we have really strong relationships because I do spend a lot of one-on-one time with her, she has her very specific interests and is very much her own person.

My youngest really cannot play by himself, but I think that's just his personality. Maybe he would be better if he wasn't such an extrovert, but I know a lot of parents of single kids have to be their child's playmate. Also he is very into his own interests and they don't overlap at all with his older siblings.


Basically I don't think you can say that any of these pros and cons are going to be different based on one sibling or two. Except of course the financial one!

What is their age difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

I think that my oldest is a lot like your only. She loves being alone, can entertain herself for long periods of time, we have really strong relationships because I do spend a lot of one-on-one time with her, she has her very specific interests and is very much her own person.

My youngest really cannot play by himself, but I think that's just his personality. Maybe he would be better if he wasn't such an extrovert, but I know a lot of parents of single kids have to be their child's playmate. Also he is very into his own interests and they don't overlap at all with his older siblings.


Basically I don't think you can say that any of these pros and cons are going to be different based on one sibling or two. Except of course the financial one!

What is their age difference?

Three years. But my siblings and I were only one year apart and we could all play by ourselves and had our own interests too. Although, we did impact each other's interests because we thought that once one sibling picked something up, it was theirs and we had to do something different.

I was about to type something about the ways in which my parents did not handle having a lot of kids well and really should have had fewer, but I'm not going to do that because I think we all know that we can make a lot of mistakes regardless of how many kids we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

OP have a second kid. Otherwise your grandchild(ren) will have no first cousins or aunt/uncle from your side of the family.