Parent excluding my DD. Kids are friends inside of school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is the mom of one of the kids will arrange lunches/playdates and does not include our daughter. (the kids are 9 & 10. So too young to make external plans)

Really? I stopped doing playdates around 8. After that, I told DD she could do her own inviting and/or I would drive her wherever she needed to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP that if 4 girls play together at school and all get along, to invite 2 of them to do something with yours is mean. I have a 10yo DD and this is a hard age. There’s no need to be a jerk. OP initiate something with one of the kids yourself.

No it isn’t mean. They aren’t blood sisters bc they sit at the same lunch table. You really don’t know how close the are- as a group of 4. Maybe they all play with other kids too. The mom can’t possibly include every person her child plays with and likes at school to all things.

What the others do outside of school has nothing to do with OP’s DD, “excluding” (since there is no implied reason she should be included), or being mean. They likely do stuff with each other outside of school because it is convenient; maybe they have a sport together, live in the same neighborhood, are family friends, only have 2 extra seats in their car. It doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with exclusion though. Your DD is a school friend. It isn’t realistic to expect for every friend she plays with at school to also be an out-of-school friend too. Some will be be, and some won’t. Do you own planning and inviting for the girls she wants to play with outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are the kids? Once they get phones, this problem will solve itself

op here. they are 9 & 10 years old. too young for phones. but yes, I think when that comes into play things will change.

and no - our moms didn't care. and didn't that suck for you, too? it did for me. why would I want that for my child?

We got our DD a phone at 10 and it really helped a similar situation. Once kids can text, parents no longer have to power to curate friend groups

[Anonymous]

Sadly, starting in about 5th grade there becomes a rift between kids who have phones/apps/unrestricted access to things, and kids who don't. All of a sudden the "cool girls" will only be friends with other girls who know all the current tiktok trends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

OP here. We don't expect to be invited to everything. However, if there is a group of four girls that hang out all day at school, lunch, playground. Then the mom invites three out of the four, you don't think that's mean? what message does it say to the other kids? it's mean.

DP - consistently inviting three of four, yes, that's mean. At best, it's completely clueless, especially if you've brought it up. Girls that age are old enough to be aware of these dynamics, mostly.

OP, don't confront the other mom; to what end? Help your DD identify friends she does want to see on weekends/outside of school and be proactive about scheduling. Also, know that things will likely change a lot once she hits middle school, which isn't too far away (my DD is 10 and in fifth). Hang in there. This stuff is hard, and it's most important that you're there to support your daughter. FWIW, I've found Lisa Damour's books and podcasts SO helpful for supporting my daughter and figuring out how to handle these tough situations. She has compassion and expertise - both of which are often in short supply on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

OP here. We don't expect to be invited to everything. However, if there is a group of four girls that hang out all day at school, lunch, playground. Then the mom invites three out of the four, you don't think that's mean? what message does it say to the other kids? it's mean.

But you have no idea that this is an exclusive group of 4…

Maybe they play with other kids in school too and don’t see themselves as a group of 4. Maybe 3 of them get together, but there also other kids involved too? You have no idea the extent and reach of the friendships of these these other girls. They aren’t a group of 4. They are 4 girls that sometimes play together at school.

DP - consistently inviting three of four, yes, that's mean. At best, it's completely clueless, especially if you've brought it up. Girls that age are old enough to be aware of these dynamics, mostly.

OP, don't confront the other mom; to what end? Help your DD identify friends she does want to see on weekends/outside of school and be proactive about scheduling. Also, know that things will likely change a lot once she hits middle school, which isn't too far away (my DD is 10 and in fifth). Hang in there. This stuff is hard, and it's most important that you're there to support your daughter. FWIW, I've found Lisa Damour's books and podcasts SO helpful for supporting my daughter and figuring out how to handle these tough situations. She has compassion and expertise - both of which are often in short supply on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

16:40, why do you assume you know what the truth is in this situation? Why respond to something when that response is based on the assumption that the OP is wrong, when you have literally zero knowledge of the actual situation. You think you know more than the OP about what's going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:40, why do you assume you know what the truth is in this situation? Why respond to something when that response is based on the assumption that the OP is wrong, when you have literally zero knowledge of the actual situation. You think you know more than the OP about what's going on?

Not assuming anything. Just questioning why OP assumes they are some exclusive tight knit group of 4. OP says they are only school friends. There is limited social time in school and most classes have some element of assigned seating or assigned work groups. That leaves lunch and maybe recess? OP doesn’t know who else the other girls are friends with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are the kids? Once they get phones, this problem will solve itself

op here. they are 9 & 10 years old. too young for phones. but yes, I think when that comes into play things will change.

and no - our moms didn't care. and didn't that suck for you, too? it did for me. why would I want that for my child?

I would have been mortified if I knew my mom was trying to social engineer on my behalf.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter who just started elementary. There seems to be a clear cool moms group. I posted about it and I was called a troll. My daughter is very social and has mad many friends. I’m an introvert and often tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are the kids? Once they get phones, this problem will solve itself

op here. they are 9 & 10 years old. too young for phones. but yes, I think when that comes into play things will change.

and no - our moms didn't care. and didn't that suck for you, too? it did for me. why would I want that for my child?

I would have been mortified if I knew my mom was trying to social engineer on my behalf.

? my child is crying on the way home from school bc she was excluded or picked last or a mom is walking to the car with 3 of her friends. how am I trying to social engineer on her behalf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are the kids? Once they get phones, this problem will solve itself

op here. they are 9 & 10 years old. too young for phones. but yes, I think when that comes into play things will change.

and no - our moms didn't care. and didn't that suck for you, too? it did for me. why would I want that for my child?

I would have been mortified if I knew my mom was trying to social engineer on my behalf.

? my child is crying on the way home from school bc she was excluded or picked last or a mom is walking to the car with 3 of her friends. how am I trying to social engineer on her behalf?

I have a car that seats 6. I have 3 of my own kids. I usually take 2 kids with me. If my oldest is doing something else, I have room for 3 kids.

I am not saying this is why your child is not included but they may not have room for your daughter.

I also usually take kids whose parents often reciprocate with me. This can be carpool to soccer, basketball, play dates or parties. In our friend group, there is one kid/mom who hosts the most. They often pick up my kid so I reciprocate.

Why do you have to wait for this one mom to invite your kid? Why not organize your own and invite some girls? Then the girls would be piling into your car after school.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have any advice for OP. Just want to send support. It is really, really hard to watch your child be excluded in this kind of a situation and be understandably hurt by being left out.

[Anonymous]

My kid was invited to a house to go trick or treating yesterday. One friend got left out and was not invited. The child was really hurt.

I know I often host small groups but it is never to be hurtful. One kid has 2 very close friends. Middle child has 3 close friends. Youngest has one good friend. All other friends are mostly school friends and not on our radar for hanging out after school. I’m very friendly with the parents of my children’s best friends. The other parents at school I am also friendly with. I host a lot and pick up my kids’ close friends up often. Never thought this would hurt anyone’s feelings.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. If your daughter was never part of the friend group out of school, I don’t think you should feel bad. You don’t know what kind of relationship they have outside of school.

It would be different if they used to hang out altogether last year and all of a sudden your daughter is not being included.

I would attempt to set up your own plans for your daughter, whether it is with this one specific group of lunch girls or other girls.