Parent excluding my DD. Kids are friends inside of school

[Anonymous]

My DD knows most of the kids in her class, and we know most of the parents as well.

She seems to get along with everyone (boys and girls). There are few girls she gravitates towards and the seem to get along well in school.

The problem is the mom of one of the kids will arrange lunches/playdates and does not include our daughter. (the kids are 9 & 10. So too young to make external plans)

The mother seems very nice in person, but standoffish. Truly I do not know why our daughter is excluded. I've asked the mom if she'd like to make plans - no, she's already mades some. Next time! Then I learn she's asked other moms and girls, but not us.

Plus in the class my DD is always "plan b". (when they are partnered up. ). It just hurts to see our child get her feelings hurt. (by the child of the mom mentioned above). My child is always trying to be accepted/friends, but is kind of brushed off.

Sorry this is so vague. I don't want to share too many personal details.

I did recommend that she tries to play with some of the other girls in the class. Ask them if they'd like to be partners for activities during the week, etc. She deserves to be treated well and valued as a friend.

Any advice? I feel like confronting the mother - but I know it's the wrong thing to do and will cause more drama.

[Anonymous]

They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

[Anonymous]

You need to organize your own play dates and stop relying on that mom. Start making your own connections.

[Anonymous]

It's hard, but either invite the girl(s) over to your house/host something, or encourage your daughter to move on. I remember being on both sides of this. There was a girl who was desperate to be my friend but I wasn't really interested; her mom was incredibly persistent and it honestly made things worse, even at age 9. I never ended up wanting to hang out with her. Of course I also had times where I was the "plan B" for a group that I wanted in with. I never really ended up in their group, but I got over it and formed a different bunch of friends. Let your daughter sort this out on her own, with your support, rather than with your direct intervention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

[Anonymous]

Initiate stuff with other kids in the class that your kid likes. Why do you have to deal with this mom at all? My 10yo started at a new school last year. She seemed to do well making friends but got left out of a bunch of birthday parties. We’ll see if this year is better. She does have a couple really good friends so we tend to do stuff with them.

[Anonymous]

OP just saying I am sorry people are awful.

[Anonymous]

sincerely. thank you so much everyone. my child is far from perfect, but she's such a good kid and it's heartbreaking to see her struggling, crying on the way home from school because how she was dropped/ignored, etc.

we are going to encourage playdates as you mentioned above. there are some truly nice kids in the class. I told her friends shouldn't make you feel sad. they look out for one another or comfort each other when someone's hurt. those are the people she should try to be friends with.

and yes - I guess it just pisses me off that the mom portrays herself as SO friendly and nice when she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

At age 9 or 10 what do you mean "we always included everyone"? You exclusively hosted full-class, or full-grade parties? I'm a nice person and never want someone to feel deliberately excluded, but I'm also a realist and am not going to force my tween to consider everyone an equal friend (or invite everyone to everything).

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you feel bad about this, but this parent is under no obligation at all to include any particular classmate of their child's. It wouldn't occur to me to complain about this on DCUM. I would just chalk it up to personality differences and move on. Also, I hope you organize your own playdates and get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

[Anonymous]

Mom mom would have told me to find new friends. Do parents do that still or do they just keep trying to engineer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

OP here. We don't expect to be invited to everything. However, if there is a group of four girls that hang out all day at school, lunch, playground. Then the mom invites three out of the four, you don't think that's mean? what message does it say to the other kids? it's mean.

[Anonymous]

These are not her people OP, or yours. Your daughter should find someone who chooses her.