Parent excluding my DD. Kids are friends inside of school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Drop the rope on these kids, at least for now.

I found the partnering at school to be more telling than the invites. I don't do play dates for my younger child, but she's had friends she has gotten close to an has had no shortage of invites. We try to reciprocate when we can. For all of these, they are friends at school and seek each other out, not as a 2nd choice.

Try to have your DD befriend others if she can. Maybe not be available to be a 2nd choice if one of these girls doesn't have anyone else to partner with.

[Anonymous]

What does your child do after school? Sports? Dance? Those are her after school people. Make “out of school” friends with them. That is likely what the other kids are doing. Plus no one really wants 4 kids at their house all the time. Plus the more kids, the harder to plan with parents.

[Anonymous]

(1) This mom doesn't like you.
(2) This mom doesn't like your kid or thinks she's a bad influence in some way.
(3) The other girls don't like your daughter as much as your daughter likes them, for what could be a huge range of reasons.

It's impossible to know which is which. Invite the other girls in this group for one-on-one activities, and invite other kids in the class, too. These tight little groups are bad news at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

I can’t believe you are saying your daughter is excluded when it sounds like they have never hung out outside of school.

I have an 11yo. There are friendships made in younger grades, close friends who hung out multiple times per week during Covid, sports teams, neighbors, family friends.

Your daughter is 9-10. She should have her own people by now.

My daughter is younger. In her class, she has one close friend and we have done weekly play dates since school started. We signed up for the same dance class. We try to sign up for activities with friends. Even in just her class, there are involved moms who have reached out for play dates or I have seen them at school events. There are girls who sit with my daughter at the lunch table who are quiet. I don’t know the girls or the parents. I’m not going to try to make plans with a kid who is not on my daughter’s radar. The best friend’s mom contacts me all the time to hang out. My kid loves to play with her.

What has your kid been doing for the past 4-5 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) This mom doesn't like you.
(2) This mom doesn't like your kid or thinks she's a bad influence in some way.
(3) The other girls don't like your daughter as much as your daughter likes them, for what could be a huge range of reasons.

It's impossible to know which is which. Invite the other girls in this group for one-on-one activities, and invite other kids in the class, too. These tight little groups are bad news at this age.

I don’t think the mom has to necessarily dislike OP or her daughter.

I am not a fan of several of my kids’ friends parents. The kids are the friends. We take turns hosting and driving. I rarely hang out with my upper elementary kids’ parents. We may seem closer than we are if we are at school or parties. Of course we know one another and the kids but I don’t consider any of these people my friends.

By 9-10, the girls are the ones dictating who they hang out with. If one of them really wanted to include your daughter, she would.

My son has a friend who is new to the friend circle. DS has known him for several years. The kid is not the best behaved kid and the mom is very quiet. My kid will ask for him specifically so I make it happen. It is not me driving this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

I could very well be the mom OP mentions. My child hangs out with the same 3 friends since school started. If we had plans with the other 3 friends, I would not add on another kid. 3 kids is also my absolute max. My kid sometimes asks if this other kid can come but then I say it is too many kids. Nothing against the other kid. That other kid’s parents have never invited my kid anywhere or invited my kid over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

I could very well be the mom OP mentions. My child hangs out with the same 3 friends since school started. If we had plans with the other 3 friends, I would not add on another kid. 3 kids is also my absolute max. My kid sometimes asks if this other kid can come but then I say it is too many kids. Nothing against the other kid. That other kid’s parents have never invited my kid anywhere or invited my kid over.

I also can’t physically fit a fourth friend in my car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted previously that I have a popular son. He often wants to invite 4 or 5 but I don’t want too many people in our house or on our outing. I tend to include the same 2-3 kids. Kids 4 and 5 are often not included but they are all in the same friend group at school. DS is everyone’s friend so he has multiple friends that probably consider DS a good friend. He gets invited to many play dates and parties.

I have 2 other kids and they barely get invited to anything. Their play dates are usually 1-2 kids only.

We get it. Your kid is popular. You don’t need to keep repeating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

Same. Including 2 friends would my max unless it was a birthday party. 3+ friends in addition to my own kids is no longer a play date but a party

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

Well then, there you go. Step up and host.

I could very well be the mom OP mentions. My child hangs out with the same 3 friends since school started. If we had plans with the other 3 friends, I would not add on another kid. 3 kids is also my absolute max. My kid sometimes asks if this other kid can come but then I say it is too many kids. Nothing against the other kid. That other kid’s parents have never invited my kid anywhere or invited my kid over.

[Anonymous]

There are some kids who are naturally popular. For girls, they are usually the prettier ones. For boys, they are often the athletic ones. This was the case when I was a kid and I don’t think it has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some kids who are naturally popular. For girls, they are usually the prettier ones. For boys, they are often the athletic ones. This was the case when I was a kid and I don’t think it has changed.

I do think this is true too. I can see it in the children in my child's class & the children in the other grades. some are just naturally better looking. however, there are a few awkward tweens/teens and I do believe they are going to be GORGEOUS once they grow into their features.

my child is basic. what I can help her with is straight teeth, making sure her skin and hair are healthy/clean.

sometimes I wonder if the kids that are peaking now - if that's it for them. vs the kids that take a little longer to "bloom".

[Anonymous]

No mom wants to take their own kid plus 3 friends anywhere. 2 is pushing it already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD knows most of the kids in her class, and we know most of the parents as well.

She seems to get along with everyone (boys and girls). There are few girls she gravitates towards and the seem to get along well in school.

The problem is the mom of one of the kids will arrange lunches/playdates and does not include our daughter. (the kids are 9 & 10. So too young to make external plans)

The mother seems very nice in person, but standoffish. Truly I do not know why our daughter is excluded. I've asked the mom if she'd like to make plans - no, she's already mades some. Next time! Then I learn she's asked other moms and girls, but not us.

Plus in the class my DD is always "plan b". (when they are partnered up. ). It just hurts to see our child get her feelings hurt. (by the child of the mom mentioned above). My child is always trying to be accepted/friends, but is kind of brushed off.

Sorry this is so vague. I don't want to share too many personal details.

I did recommend that she tries to play with some of the other girls in the class. Ask them if they'd like to be partners for activities during the week, etc. She deserves to be treated well and valued as a friend.

Any advice? I feel like confronting the mother - but I know it's the wrong thing to do and will cause more drama.

It sounds like it is one girl that your daughter likes more than the friend likes your daughter. The kid is not picking your daughter at school either so that means that the girl is better friends with someone else. I do not think this is excluding.

My daughter is close to one girl in her class. There are other girls she is also friends with but she plays most with one girl.

I’m not sure why you think it is the mom. It sounds like both the mom and daughter are just not that into you. Your daughter can make other friends. This will only get worse in middle school.