Parent excluding my DD. Kids are friends inside of school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

OP here. We don't expect to be invited to everything. However, if there is a group of four girls that hang out all day at school, lunch, playground. Then the mom invites three out of the four, you don't think that's mean? what message does it say to the other kids? it's mean.

Why is this one parent having to do all the inviting for events and get togethers? Is your daughter invited when the other two sets of parents host? How often are you arranging the gatherings?

Op?

[Anonymous]

I am the inviter and host of play dates. I wish other kids would offer to host or invite my kid.

[Anonymous]

Not including is not the same as excluding.

I personally prefer smaller groups. I like one on ones or 1-2 friends. This is for my adult self as well as play dates. This is just my style of hanging out.

My kids have lots of school friends. They only hang out with very few friends outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are never going to include you. Give up and move on. Yes, she deserves better but this is how people are. You don't confront the mom.

There seems to be a running theme on DCUM that posters kids are entitled to be included in almost everything. I don’t get this mindset. If someone isn’t including you, they don’t want you there. Why would you want to force that? The best thing to do would be to tell your DC to find new friends.
Also, OP blames the mom for not including her daughter. I’d be willing to bet there is some amount of direction from the excluding moms kid.

At that age, its nice to include all the kids. I'm assuming you are the parent that OP describes. We always included everyone, especially at parties. But, mean people are never going to get it.

You include the entire class in every Saturday afternoon play date? Or are you also a mean person?

OP here. We don't expect to be invited to everything. However, if there is a group of four girls that hang out all day at school, lunch, playground. Then the mom invites three out of the four, you don't think that's mean? what message does it say to the other kids? it's mean.

Why is this one parent having to do all the inviting for events and get togethers? Is your daughter invited when the other two sets of parents host? How often are you arranging the gatherings?

This.

I have a daughter this age. She has her close group of 3 other girls; we don't do too much hosting, but I personally try not to host just this group. I invite more kids, or less. Having 9 and 10 y.o. girls tightly bound in a group never goes well. Definitely flex your hosting muscle to do more of the inviting and mix up the groups.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just invite all four of them to play or have lunch or whatever more often? Get to know the other moms. Do some one on ones. It might help you to see the dynamic. If there is a girl in that group who sees your daughter as a friend, you can try to invite her out more.

Honestly, though, at that age girls are making their own friends. Mine had her best friends and we did play dates with others but she and her bffs just requested to see each other more and had a closer bond. No judgment of others. Kids just have chemistry with other kids and when time is limited they prioritize the friends they are closest to.

You might want to get some social skills books for your child. I’m not saying she had problems, in fact I got them for mine even though they have a lot of friends. It’s just always good to discuss these things.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, if your daughter is plan b when partnered up, it’s harsh to hear, but she is not regarded as an equal friend. Encourage friendships with other girls.

If I make plans for my 10 year old and a kid he likes wasn’t included, he will ask the kid himself. Kids who want to hang out with each other will ask to do so. If the other girls are getting together and not inviting your daughter, perhaps they are the ones choosing not to invite her. The mother might require that they get along with your daughter at school, not outside of school. Sorry, this is tough. Can I ask if the girls she hangs out with are perceived as the “popular” group? There was another post here a while back about someone’s elementary aged son who yearned to be friends with the popular boys.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

[Anonymous]

We just explain that some kids have more playdates together because their moms are friends with each other. My kids understand this because they have a lot of forced playdates with kids they don't care for since we have adult friends with kids.

I would try to arrange playdates with other kids who aren't part of this cliquish mom's group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

PP here. Agree, learning these dynamics is important. Everyone deserves to have good friends. Recognizing true friends is not as easy as it sounds. We have all been plan a, b, and c with different groups. Picking up on those social cues will serve your daughter for life. Hope she has an amazing school year filled with new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

[Anonymous]

This is terrible and it’s just plain sucks.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. When I was a kid, I remember a lot of popular kids played soccer. I didn’t play soccer. They seemed to hang out a lot. They also had matching sweatshirts and jackets. It felt like they hung out everyday after school.

I can’t remember if I felt bad or left out. I had my own non soccer playing friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.