Parent excluding my DD. Kids are friends inside of school

[Anonymous]

I have one daughter. My good friend has two daughters. One of the daughters is quite popular and the other one is shy and quiet. It doesn’t matter what social group they are in, the younger daughter is always left out. Even when we have a play date, the younger daughter cries that she is left out even when the three are playing together.

My friend said when they travel with other friends, sometimes this other girl gets jealous and left out. I think this is a personality trait.

Even with adult women, I know women who get all bent out of shape when not invited. There have been some threads about adult women feeling bad not invited on girls trips or some birthday dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No mom wants to take their own kid plus 3 friends anywhere. 2 is pushing it already

Unless you have a third row, you can't fit 4 kids in your car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one daughter. My good friend has two daughters. One of the daughters is quite popular and the other one is shy and quiet. It doesn’t matter what social group they are in, the younger daughter is always left out. Even when we have a play date, the younger daughter cries that she is left out even when the three are playing together.

My friend said when they travel with other friends, sometimes this other girl gets jealous and left out. I think this is a personality trait.

Even with adult women, I know women who get all bent out of shape when not invited. There have been some threads about adult women feeling bad not invited on girls trips or some birthday dinner.

Actually I never thought of this, but is 100% true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No mom wants to take their own kid plus 3 friends anywhere. 2 is pushing it already

Unless you have a third row, you can't fit 4 kids in your car.

I have a third row. I also have 3 kids and a car seat. Most families have more than one kid.

[Anonymous]

You cannot force other families/moms to include your daughter.

Instead of looking desparate to be included, help your daughter learn how to stand on her own two feet in life. She didn't get invlted, so how else to use that time? Maybe she can join a new activity, take a crafting class, etc. Learning that her self worth does not have to be tied to the group is a skill that will serve her well in life. Role model how to handle not being included. No one ever owes you can invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one daughter. My good friend has two daughters. One of the daughters is quite popular and the other one is shy and quiet. It doesn’t matter what social group they are in, the younger daughter is always left out. Even when we have a play date, the younger daughter cries that she is left out even when the three are playing together.

My friend said when they travel with other friends, sometimes this other girl gets jealous and left out. I think this is a personality trait.

Even with adult women, I know women who get all bent out of shape when not invited. There have been some threads about adult women feeling bad not invited on girls trips or some birthday dinner.

Actually I never thought of this, but is 100% true.

Yep, I have a friend like this and she gets bent out of shape quite easily. Once she got incredibly angry that another friend didn't ask her to co-host someone's baby shower. My friend was still INVITED to the shower, but she was mad she wasn't asked to cohost it. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No mom wants to take their own kid plus 3 friends anywhere. 2 is pushing it already

Unless you have a third row, you can't fit 4 kids in your car.

I have a third row. I also have 3 kids and a car seat. Most families have more than one kid.

Even if you have a third row. No one wants to take 3 other kids, in addition to their own, anywhere. 2 extra is the max most moms want to take on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No mom wants to take their own kid plus 3 friends anywhere. 2 is pushing it already

Unless you have a third row, you can't fit 4 kids in your car.

I have a third row. I also have 3 kids and a car seat. Most families have more than one kid.

Even if you have a third row. No one wants to take 3 other kids, in addition to their own, anywhere. 2 extra is the max most moms want to take on

Pp here. I take 1-2 kids but can technically fit 3. I usually only take 1 kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

I can’t believe you are saying your daughter is excluded when it sounds like they have never hung out outside of school.

I have an 11yo. There are friendships made in younger grades, close friends who hung out multiple times per week during Covid, sports teams, neighbors, family friends.

Your daughter is 9-10. She should have her own people by now.

My daughter is younger. In her class, she has one close friend and we have done weekly play dates since school started. We signed up for the same dance class. We try to sign up for activities with friends. Even in just her class, there are involved moms who have reached out for play dates or I have seen them at school events. There are girls who sit with my daughter at the lunch table who are quiet. I don’t know the girls or the parents. I’m not going to try to make plans with a kid who is not on my daughter’s radar. The best friend’s mom contacts me all the time to hang out. My kid loves to play with her.

What has your kid been doing for the past 4-5 years?

This will age well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some kids who are naturally popular. For girls, they are usually the prettier ones. For boys, they are often the athletic ones. This was the case when I was a kid and I don’t think it has changed.

I heard someone say that when men walk into a room, they look around at the other men and immediately size up which ones they could beat up. And when women walk into a room, they look around and determine where they fall in terms of attractiveness and how they dress. It matches up with your kid theory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

I can’t believe you are saying your daughter is excluded when it sounds like they have never hung out outside of school.

I have an 11yo. There are friendships made in younger grades, close friends who hung out multiple times per week during Covid, sports teams, neighbors, family friends.

Your daughter is 9-10. She should have her own people by now.

My daughter is younger. In her class, she has one close friend and we have done weekly play dates since school started. We signed up for the same dance class. We try to sign up for activities with friends. Even in just her class, there are involved moms who have reached out for play dates or I have seen them at school events. There are girls who sit with my daughter at the lunch table who are quiet. I don’t know the girls or the parents. I’m not going to try to make plans with a kid who is not on my daughter’s radar. The best friend’s mom contacts me all the time to hang out. My kid loves to play with her.

What has your kid been doing for the past 4-5 years?

This will age well

What till high school and all the engineered friendships fall apart, besties since preschool move away, and girls who are off her DD's radar now have no interest in friendship with her later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised that you want your daughter to be friends with these girls. They not only exclude her on play dates (could be mother or child driven) but also at school (definitely child driven). She is picked last as a partner. She can tell she is “plan b”. I can only imagine how much more torture she would endure on a play date with these girls. They might not be mean girls, but they don’t see your daughter as a valuable friend.

The mom that you think of as outwardly friendly, but distant, might be tap dancing like crazy, asking her daughter to let yours join in at school, but not forcing her to spend time outside school. She is probably exactly what she seems - a friendly person who is being aloof and cagey with all the “next time!” comments because she doesn’t want to say the obvious. She is hoping that you get the message.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely it, I believe. And thanks to all the other parents who offered their opinion. it has really helped.

and part of learning these dynamics is a part of life, I know. I just didn't think it started so young (I saw this more in late middle school myself).

hugs to all. even the snarky moms.

How often are you hosting the gatherings for this group?

I don’t think OP ever answered about hosting this group or others.

My son has a classmate friend and mom tried to arrange a play date. She threw out a weekend but no date or time. We are a busy family. Then she asks if ds can hang out at a very specific time and I said we already had plans. I threw out another date and they were not available. Then she asked for the next weekend and ds was attending a birthday party. The boy was not invited.

I have 3 kids. They all play sports. We literally have sports everyday. My kids usually hang out with friends before or after practice or on off days on weekends. It would be harder to coordinate with a kid playing a different sport and different practice schedule. Play dates 95% with carpool friends to sports. Same people.

I don’t think so either. Or if the other 2 girls host.

Op here. I have not hosted and this is certainly my responsibility. As people mentioned here - many of the kids have various activities (sport, dance). The other moms have not initiated anything with my child either.

I can’t believe you are saying your daughter is excluded when it sounds like they have never hung out outside of school.

I have an 11yo. There are friendships made in younger grades, close friends who hung out multiple times per week during Covid, sports teams, neighbors, family friends.

Your daughter is 9-10. She should have her own people by now.

My daughter is younger. In her class, she has one close friend and we have done weekly play dates since school started. We signed up for the same dance class. We try to sign up for activities with friends. Even in just her class, there are involved moms who have reached out for play dates or I have seen them at school events. There are girls who sit with my daughter at the lunch table who are quiet. I don’t know the girls or the parents. I’m not going to try to make plans with a kid who is not on my daughter’s radar. The best friend’s mom contacts me all the time to hang out. My kid loves to play with her.

What has your kid been doing for the past 4-5 years?

This will age well

What till high school and all the engineered friendships fall apart, besties since preschool move away, and girls who are off her DD's radar now have no interest in friendship with her later.

Nothing is engineered. Just because OP’s kid doesn’t seem like she doesn’t have friends outside of school doesn’t mean my kids don’t have their own friends.

When I was a kid, my parents and I spent a lot of time at church. Many of my childhood friends are from church. I still made plenty of friends in middle and high school. My kids have friends from sports and from when they were younger. That doesn’t mean they won’t grow and add friends.

Some friendships fade while new ones flourish. I know that I have never heard any of my kids cry because someone else had a play date without them. They are not invited to everything. They are invited to enough and our social lives are packed.