6th grade DD is being excluded from social events with longtime friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

I would not assume the bolded is true. I have 3 girls and we have been on both ends of this. It is incredibly hard to see your kid get excluded from a friend group. However, at this age, it never works out when parents try to intervene and force friendships. One of my daughters is currently struggling because she has grown apart from her best friend and is feeling guilty about it. The best friend is kind and sweet but very quiet and my dd doesn't find her very fun to be around anymore. I definitely care that this best friend is noticing the shift and is likely feeling hurt, but I also think my dd is entitled to grow apart from friends and form new friendships. I don't think it is mean even if it is hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

Meeting new people is an extremely important life skill, OP. Take this opportunity to support your DD in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to diversify friends. Never a good idea to have all eggs in one basket for this very reason. When this was happening with my DD it was b/c she wasn't mature enough at the time: still enjoyed kid things, wasn't interested in boys, etc. And that's fine. But . . .

It's still a jerk move for the kids.
It's a jerk move for the parents, who ABSOLUTELY know.
As long as their jerk kids are included, the jerk moms don't care that yours is not. Fact. And any attempts to call them on it will backfire on you and your kid. I've seen it happen a million times with other kids (not my own as I know better).

If you're recoiling at the word jerk, it's b/c you are one. Do better. Teach your kids better. You don't have to include everyone all the time. But these kids are openly excluding. Either speak up about why or quit being jerks.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this is true. Once the Queen Bee has targeted someone, there is really nothing that can be done, but help the kid find a new group. And, OF COURSE the parents know. If 6 of them get in a car as a group that used to be 7, they notice. The parents don't care b/c it's not happening to their kid. It's gross.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, I posted early in the thread, but one thing that eventually helped my daughter is understanding that because the shift was so big, even if she did become friends with them again, it would be different. Now she knows this might happen again, they've had more time and memories where she hasn't been there, and now they see her differently, and she sees them differently too. It wouldn't go back to being exactly how it was before all this.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. This happened to me in 6th grade. Agree with others who said it’s time to give up on this group and find new friends. Can she join a new activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

DP here. She is right, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is way too long to read.

I am going to guess you micro engineered friendships when they were little. They are now not working out as they can do their own things and interests more in middle school, and your feelings are hurt and you are trying to keep them all together.

Tell your kid to find friends that want to be with her and make her happy. That is it. The End.

This should be the last day you are ever involved in your middle schoolers friendships. Cut the umbilical cord

You didn’t read the post because it’s too long yet you still find yourself important enough to provide useless and rudely delivered advice.

lol - but the PP is right. Mom engineered friendships are toxic AF. I am not sure why parents and kids set themselves up for this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be normal or something that happens, but it doesn't make it good. I went through this myself, it sucks. Just because friends may have some different interests, it's not ok to just dump your friends. A kid shouldn't have to load up on activities just to make friends.

On the other hand, at 6th you can make your own friends and don't have to hang out with someone just because your friendship is the basis of your parents' friendship. ES friends are heavily based on parents and proximity, but middle school they start to be more about the kids themselves and groups naturally break up and reform

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be normal or something that happens, but it doesn't make it good. I went through this myself, it sucks. Just because friends may have some different interests, it's not ok to just dump your friends. A kid shouldn't have to load up on activities just to make friends.

On the other hand, at 6th you can make your own friends and don't have to hang out with someone just because your friendship is the basis of your parents' friendship. ES friends are heavily based on parents and proximity, but middle school they start to be more about the kids themselves and groups naturally break up and reform

ES friends based on proximity maybe, but the ones based on parents only happens when the parents are over involved in their kids lives. When moms go to the bus stop each day instead of letting them walk home with who they want to. When you put them in activities based on others instead of your own kid’s actual interests. When moms stay at the birthday party to socialize. Who did Larla really want invite?

A wise mom once told me to never ever let mom friends become your real friends. Just your hi and bye friends. This is neighborhood, school, and sports mom friends. You will subconsciously do more harm than good to your own kids. And they will emulate you and follow the hand and forget her own personality and interests. She will want to do an activity because others do. She won’t even ask herself if she would truly like it. And then you get into middle school and the following becomes worse. You are stripping your child of their own childhood and identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

I'm a person who is willing to be that open, but I also know that if I'm honest and say "your kid is a PITA to the group" some moms will be truly hurt, because they just can't imagine that their special snowflake is a PITA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

I'm a person who is willing to be that open, but I also know that if I'm honest and say "your kid is a PITA to the group" some moms will be truly hurt, because they just can't imagine that their special snowflake is a PITA.

+1

Yup. Parents in this area are WAY too invested in micromanaging and overcompensating for what they think they didn't get growing up. It is SICK.

Teafch your kid to be where they are wanted, OP. You don't want them stalking people later in life, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's time for dd to find new friends, this is normal around grades 5-8 where groups start to shift and change. You can empathize but it's time to regularly and gently introduce the idea of finding new friends.

What are your dd's issues? Mine was overly blunt. She needed to learn to be a less blunt AND find friends who appreciated a direct style.

+1
DD must find new friends - these friends have already told her how they feel. Do NOT involve the parents, that will only make it much worse for your kid.

These women are the OPs FRIENDS! I don't know what type of friends you all have but I could certainly ask my friends why our kids are no longer hanging out.
We are open and close enough that one of my friends could tell me: "well, your kid is being a PITA to the group" or I could ask them: "Is my kid being a PITA to the group?" without any of us getting offended.
If OP cant have this conversation then she isn't actually friends with these women. She is just mom "friends" or acquaintances.

I'm a person who is willing to be that open, but I also know that if I'm honest and say "your kid is a PITA to the group" some moms will be truly hurt, because they just can't imagine that their special snowflake is a PITA.

+1

Yup. Parents in this area are WAY too invested in micromanaging and overcompensating for what they think they didn't get growing up. It is SICK.

Teafch your kid to be where they are wanted, OP. You don't want them stalking people later in life, do you?

*Teach