My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

Class rank was big in the 'olden days'. There was ONE valedictorian and our class rank was printed on every report card. This was back in the late 80s. Anyone vying for the top 1% of their class definitely knew (and remembers) their rank. It was a big deal.

In the current climate of no class ranks provided, tremendous grade inflation and 1/2 of the class being designated 'rank 1/Valedictorian', I can see why there would be a lack of understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

*without the Ivy/private degrees

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

*without the Ivy/private degrees

Andy on The Office and Cornell. It was a stereotype for a reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

*without the Ivy/private degrees

Andy on The Office and Cornell. It was a stereotype for a reason

I'm sure Andy would let you know he was ranked 15th, and be pissed his parents didn't let him spend more on college...30 years later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

*without the Ivy/private degrees

Andy on The Office and Cornell. It was a stereotype for a reason

I'm sure Andy would let you know he was ranked 15th, and be pissed his parents didn't let him spend more on college...30 years later

Andy is the Ivy douche dummy with a disconnect and superiority complex, also bragging about his sailing and upper class upbringing. Where did you go to University? You seem unable to understand satire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You have issues.

And City College is like a community college. Miles away from state school

Wjat issue is it that you think she has?

Insecure/status conscious/general feeling of less then for no particular reason

Memorizing your high school rank and comparing your school to random peers in your 50s is odd. Acting like a state flagship is comparable to an inner city two year college is also strange.

Idiot. The point Gekko was making was against the elite, spoon-fed people handed their positions looking down on anyone with the private school/Ivy degree. And, when you are in these circles, you see it ALL of the time. It's almost comical. They will find a way to name drop their alma mater in any way they can.

You, my friend, sound like the one that is insecure. Maybe you identify too much with the people Gekko was mocking.

*without the Ivy/private degrees

Andy on The Office and Cornell. It was a stereotype for a reason

I'm sure Andy would let you know he was ranked 15th, and be pissed his parents didn't let him spend more on college...30 years later

The conclusion was: her father was right. She said so. You are taking this very personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are ridiculous. I went to VT, my DH went to an insanely expensive private college, we both ended up at the same grade school, and I had better grades. There is nothing better about a $$$ private college education vs. a run of the mill state school like Tech.

Wow...someone says they have depression and anxiety and "ridiculous" is the best you can think of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Graduating debt free is a good move. She can go to a "better" grad school.

EXACTLY! And they have another college bound child.

OP, give yourself a pat on the back for supportive parenting!!!!

Debt free is still crucial for financial stability. Gifting her more flexibility for grad school is priceless!

Plus, she's learning about the real world vs a pressure cooker high school.

Many parents could learn from your financial honesty and foresight. When your child figures out what she wants to do after age 21, she'll be well on her way with happy memories from undergrad and without unnecessary financial anxiety.
Kudos to you and your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the right decision. Sounds like you've done a great job raising your child, and you are tending to your younger one, and your financial health, as well.
Let these worries go, with help.
Don't judge yourself. Think of how you would affirm a friend, who came to you with the same thoughts.
Treat yourself with the gentleness and kindness you so deserve.
All best.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

Yeah, OP, I mean this kindly but this is either your anxiety taking over, or a UMC/wealthy standard that if you don't have every choice possible and the best of the best, you've failed. It's completely normal to consider financial limitations among all the other stuff like size, location, and fit. Most people do. It's not traumatic.

[Anonymous]

As a scholarship kid at the best school I got into (which we could never have afforded) I can promise you I would have been much much happier at a college where I could fit in financially. The parameters you set were not selfish. They were also good for your daughter. If she’s happy that’s amazing. Please let go of your guilt.

[Anonymous]

When I think limiting options, yours is not a scenario I think of. It was a reasonable, practical choice. My DC told me that he met someone who confessed sadly that he cannot do a school activity because his dad is mad that he chose that school over a religious one. To me, that is limiting options and continuing to control from afar.

[Anonymous]

What school she attending and what schools she got in, and what major.