My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

I had no parents in my life. Father abandoned the family. Mother very ill. On my initiative without doing any homework i took an athletic scholarship to Duke, thinking well it is a high ranked school and I can't even go to community college so Duke looked great. I did intuit they had smaller classes and given my very high level of immaturity thought it would help attending class on a frequent basis (turns out athletic departments of any quality enforce going to class).

The education within the four walls of the classroom was very good. The social life for a poor person was awful. Not sure that was so bad because as a scholarship athlete sport comes first, academics second (the scholarships are one year renewable so you better perform at the sport) and social life third. There was time for a social life of a kind, but not for someone like me who was poor. Just not a good fit in that regard.

Had quite a few Big 10 offers (I am from the Midwest) that I turned down. Michigan did not have a scholarship available that year - and they were world class, not just national class - in my sport - so I stupidly wrote off the Big 10. I regretted not looking at these 50/60 ranked schools relatively quickly. The social life would have been far better, the quality of the athletic competition about the same or slightly better, and the schools I looked at had majors that interested me that could also lead to immediate post college employment, something I needed being desperately poor. I did go to a very top graduate schoool and did better than I imagined, but really in hindsight it was just a result of being the first time in my life I did not have to focus on athletics. I do wonder if I could have done even better from the Big 10 schools. I was admitted to the honors programs in every one. And Duke, while a great education, had so many well off kids the curriculum was really designed to send a student off to more school after undergrad - perhaps good for many but certainly not for me. Duke dropped its business majors the year before I arrived, and the engineering school was very small (even the facility was small - not the case today). You went there to get a liberal arts degree, and then go on to grad school with its expense and opportunity cost.

In any event, school is what you make it no matter where you go, and the right mindset is to get the most out of whatever school you attend. By way of example, in the decades since graduating I have always wondered what would have been a great fit for me. Virginia Tech has a five year program (not easy to get into) where one earns an MS in econ. Enough math for me but not too much. And a real fit. Tech was in an odd conference back then and likely not a place which would have recruited me, although I was clearly beyond their standards. I would be happy if my kid was at a large public and doing well - choices are great and the task of finding your place at a big school is invaluable (I sent my two to Princeton and Michigan, respectively, so I have some perspective).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

My DC graduated from the Blair magnet and we had the same situation in that DC had straight As, perfect SATs, and limited finances. Jeopardizing our financial security was never an option for us as we intend to be fully independent in retirement and we hope, leave some money behind for our kids.

For us, the goal wasn't a top-tier university (as defined by USNWR et al) but rather an excellent K-12 education and debt-free undergraduate choices. DC was accepted and got $$$ merit aid everywhere except (not surprisingly) at a few top-tier schools that award merit aid (e.g. WUSTL) and in the end was able to choose from among some excellent LACs, state schools, and UMD's Honors College.

Fast-forward, DC is doing very well and has had some amazing undergrad opportunities including research and a great internship and we are confident that it will all work out, including at a highly-rated graduate program when the time comes.

All that said, I feel your pain. DC was a high performer and there is so much social pressure for that to be manifested through name-brand schools. It's maddening, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

You are 52 and this is what's in your head and how you handle it/interact socially?

You have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

But yet you still have that giant chip on your shoulder and need to prove you are as good as. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.

OTH, I have told DC that the effort was worth it given how competitive even public universities are now a days, and that the work load in HS will have more than prepared them for the workload in college such that college might be a breeze, and DC can enjoy their college years, get an internship, work and save money, and not be stressed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!

But yet you still have that giant chip on your shoulder and need to prove you are as good as. Sad.

It's telling that a) you are still using Gordon Gekko references and b) you use them in a positive way. I think you could use a few humanities classes to help you contextualize and make meaning from films, art and life. I've got a STEM PhD and I would never be so dismissive of liberal arts. I have gotten just as much value from my philosophy and art classes as I did from inorganic chem, differential equations and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.



Do the calculator in advance, and refrain from applying to schools that you would not let him attend (for financial reasons). It will only lead to angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.

OTH, I have told DC that the effort was worth it given how competitive even public universities are now a days, and that the work load in HS will have more than prepared them for the workload in college such that college might be a breeze, and DC can enjoy their college years, get an internship, work and save money, and not be stressed out.

Why would you feel guilty? For not being richer? For not impoverishing yourself to send them to a school that might not even provide a better education or better prepare them for life? For buying into artificial ranking systems that were designed to sell magazines? For being obsessed with status? There are hundreds of excellent undergraduate institutions in this country, with a variety of programs in a variety of fields. If you can't understand how working hard in high school is "worth it" even if you don't go to one of, what, 20 of them? then your education hasn't been all that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Wow---yes it's worth all that hard work if DC doesn't end up at top tier u!! Your kid learned by being motivated during HS and by working hard, if they are capable of attending "top tier U", they will be just fine. But there is NO reason to put yourself in financial issues to pay for college. It would be rather dumb on your part to put your financial security at risk just for that. Send them to a university you can afford. Yes, it sucks. But so does having to tell your kid, no they cannot have a new car at 16, or travel to Europe over spring break, etc. And if you attend a school that costs $80K, trust me there will be plenty of students who go to Europe/hawaii/caribbean vacations over xmas and spring break. There will always be something your kid cannot afford in life, best that they learn going into debt is not the solution

[Anonymous]

Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"

Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.

? I'm the PP, and not OP. My kid isn't in college yet. DC is a senior, looking at colleges, and they want to apply to expensive top tier. DC is also asking the question "was it worth all that effort in a magnet program to not end up at a top tier". So, yea, I feel guilty if DC can't go to a top tier because of finances.

OTH, I have told DC that the effort was worth it given how competitive even public universities are now a days, and that the work load in HS will have more than prepared them for the workload in college such that college might be a breeze, and DC can enjoy their college years, get an internship, work and save money, and not be stressed out.

Why would you feel guilty? For not being richer? For not impoverishing yourself to send them to a school that might not even provide a better education or better prepare them for life? For buying into artificial ranking systems that were designed to sell magazines? For being obsessed with status? There are hundreds of excellent undergraduate institutions in this country, with a variety of programs in a variety of fields. If you can't understand how working hard in high school is "worth it" even if you don't go to one of, what, 20 of them? then your education hasn't been all that great.

+1

At some point, kids/students need to learn to learn for the love of learning and because you need to know the material for your career path. Ideally, education is for making you a better person, who loves to learn about the world. Not about ticking the boxes so you can get into a "ranked school"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

many parents on this site don't have family money, came from nothing, and see education as one of the only ways to get out poverty.

If you don't need to see education that way, then you are privileged. Lucky you.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. My DD is a senior in hs so I empathize.

My husband and I have moved from saying:
“What we can afford” to
“What we are willing to spend”.

You weren’t willing to tap into the inheritance; I am not willing to reduce funding our retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

You are paying $40k even though you aren't high earners, i think its a good compromise. I know very well to do folks who send kids to community colleges because kids didn't get merit, family didn't qualify for aid and parents wanted lux lifestyle more than paying for college. Kid had no say in it.

[Anonymous]

You need to lay off the DC koolaid, OP. It doesn't really matter where your kid goes to school, especially for undergrad.