My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being very extreme. No one should be getting "depressed" about this. Start by changing your language. You are just too extreme in your language. I'm sure this also affects your thoughts, your intensity, your doomsday attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being very extreme. No one should be getting "depressed" about this. Start by changing your language. You are just too extreme in your language. I'm sure this also affects your thoughts, your intensity, your doomsday attitude.

+1

OP just doesn't approach this matter in a mature fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being very extreme. No one should be getting "depressed" about this. Start by changing your language. You are just too extreme in your language. I'm sure this also affects your thoughts, your intensity, your doomsday attitude.

+1

OP just doesn't approach this matter in a mature fashion.

Op here. Maybe you don’t know what anxiety looks like and how it can manifest in the most trivial things. Good for you if that’s the case. I own my issue and like I said am starting to work on it. Maybe you can start to work on not being an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What school she attending and what schools she got in, and what major.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

OP, I totally get this and have had similar thoughts. However, the key here is that your daughter is HAPPY!! That is worth a lot more than what people in DCUM-land think of rankings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no parents in my life. Father abandoned the family. Mother very ill. On my initiative without doing any homework i took an athletic scholarship to Duke, thinking well it is a high ranked school and I can't even go to community college so Duke looked great. I did intuit they had smaller classes and given my very high level of immaturity thought it would help attending class on a frequent basis (turns out athletic departments of any quality enforce going to class).

The education within the four walls of the classroom was very good. The social life for a poor person was awful. Not sure that was so bad because as a scholarship athlete sport comes first, academics second (the scholarships are one year renewable so you better perform at the sport) and social life third. There was time for a social life of a kind, but not for someone like me who was poor. Just not a good fit in that regard.

Had quite a few Big 10 offers (I am from the Midwest) that I turned down. Michigan did not have a scholarship available that year - and they were world class, not just national class - in my sport - so I stupidly wrote off the Big 10. I regretted not looking at these 50/60 ranked schools relatively quickly. The social life would have been far better, the quality of the athletic competition about the same or slightly better, and the schools I looked at had majors that interested me that could also lead to immediate post college employment, something I needed being desperately poor. I did go to a very top graduate schoool and did better than I imagined, but really in hindsight it was just a result of being the first time in my life I did not have to focus on athletics. I do wonder if I could have done even better from the Big 10 schools. I was admitted to the honors programs in every one. And Duke, while a great education, had so many well off kids the curriculum was really designed to send a student off to more school after undergrad - perhaps good for many but certainly not for me. Duke dropped its business majors the year before I arrived, and the engineering school was very small (even the facility was small - not the case today). You went there to get a liberal arts degree, and then go on to grad school with its expense and opportunity cost.

In any event, school is what you make it no matter where you go, and the right mindset is to get the most out of whatever school you attend. By way of example, in the decades since graduating I have always wondered what would have been a great fit for me. Virginia Tech has a five year program (not easy to get into) where one earns an MS in econ. Enough math for me but not too much. And a real fit. Tech was in an odd conference back then and likely not a place which would have recruited me, although I was clearly beyond their standards. I would be happy if my kid was at a large public and doing well - choices are great and the task of finding your place at a big school is invaluable (I sent my two to Princeton and Michigan, respectively, so I have some perspective).

Well not responding to the post exactly but what EC did your kids have and did you use a college consultant. Please share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you anymore, OP. Work on accepting that.

-- Signed, mother of a college freshman

Stop with these snarky, condescending remarks. Not helpful. And you come off like an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being very extreme. No one should be getting "depressed" about this. Start by changing your language. You are just too extreme in your language. I'm sure this also affects your thoughts, your intensity, your doomsday attitude.

+1

OP just doesn't approach this matter in a mature fashion.

Op here. Maybe you don’t know what anxiety looks like and how it can manifest in the most trivial things. Good for you if that’s the case. I own my issue and like I said am starting to work on it. Maybe you can start to work on not being an a-hole.

Seriously. What is wrong with you two PPs?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure posting this on DCUM is working on your issue. Sounds like you are indulging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you anymore, OP. Work on accepting that.

-- Signed, mother of a college freshman

Stop with these snarky, condescending remarks. Not helpful. And you come off like an a-hole.

OP: Try looking in the mirror. Seems like you enjoy being rude to others who post trying to help you. Appears that you do not want to get better, you want to enjoy wallowing in self-pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure posting this on DCUM is working on your issue. Sounds like you are indulging it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Imagine she chose the higher ranked school with an intense honors program. The pressure cooker stress would have continued or worsened. She's happy and thriving at a less competitive school. So many great things about it.

She's likely making more diverse friendships. Her GPA will soar because she is emotionally and mentally healthy. You won't have debt and you can afford college for your other child! This is huge. Visualize graduation when DD is honored as Summa Cum Laude, Magna Cum Laude or Cum Laude. I would trade my own happiness for my son, and I'm sure you would for your daughter. Try to ride on her happy coat tails! She seems like an amazing young woman, thanks to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

OP, I understand how you feel. I've been plagued by the same feelings too. My DD is very happy at her huge in-state college, and that's fine with me. But it bugs me that she's not going to a top school where I think she belongs, but she didn't apply to any because of finances.

But she's happy, and that's what matters. BTW, those top schools mean little. The kids who are going to do well do well. Some people at those top schools fall apart, so you never know. I know a kid who dropped out of a T10 because of anxiety and drug use. He went out West to a huge state college ranked nowhere, and was very happy.