My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are ridiculous. I went to VT, my DH went to an insanely expensive private college, we both ended up at the same grade school, and I had better grades. There is nothing better about a $$$ private college education vs. a run of the mill state school like Tech.

+1 I turned down a top school because we couldn't afford it and went to a school no one has ever heard of, and DH went to a Top 10, and we met at work in the same job. OP your ego is getting the better of your common sense and making you literally crazy.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you raised an understanding, bright person who is thriving. Kudos to you! Please revel in that and get help for your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

You made the right decision. Sounds like you've done a great job raising your child, and you are tending to your younger one, and your financial health, as well.
Let these worries go, with help.
Don't judge yourself. Think of how you would affirm a friend, who came to you with the same thoughts.
Treat yourself with the gentleness and kindness you so deserve.
All best.

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like she turned down schools that were not good fits overall as well as not good financial fits. That's part of it.

Even if you were independently wealthy, it would be reasonable to say no to certain schools at 80K a pop.

Be grateful you raised a kid that understands all of this and is happy.

We all have our hangups and insecurities so don't beat yourself up, either. But also try to move on. Amazing things will definitely come out of this college choice.

[Anonymous]

You are making a problem where non exists. Your child is hapoy and loving her school. What more is there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Are you willing to name the higher ranked schools that she turned down and her intended major and/or career path ?

Will your daughter be attending graduate school ?

Regardless, you did a wonderful job helping your daughter select a solid school without taking on crippling debt.

[Anonymous]

First World problems.
find something real to worry about

[Anonymous]

So many kids graduate with debt. You have given her the gift of a debt free collage education. Try to focus on what you have done for her!

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making a problem where non exists. Your child is hapoy and loving her school. What more is there?

This, so much this. I work in HR and routinely hire executives and no one cares about where you went to school once you’re in the workforce. I’d think her happiness and graduating debt free should be the biggest source of joy on your house, not regrets.

[Anonymous]

Just popping in to say sounds like you and she made great choices! Don't beat yourself up. Getting a good education for a reasonable cost is a good thing. Crazy debt would weigh everyone down. Not worth it. She is happy and thriving. Celebrate that!

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is happy and thriving. That’s the most important thing.

Next most important is you didn’t incur debt giving her something unnecessary.

You are struggling with self-inflicted guilt from overthinking all this. But have you considered your daughter might’ve struggled with guilt if you took out the loans?

No one worth listening to will say the name of a college matters more than what a student does in college. If she’s happy and working hard and learning lots, she already has what the higher ranked schools were selling, but without the debt to the family.

I think you and she have a lot to be happy for. Sounds like you “won” the college admissions game.

Besides, if she’s a great student and goes to grad school, that will be what counts most anyway. She has a better chance for a top grad program if happy and doing well in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many freshman are unhappy right now, be grateful that your dd is happy!!! Success is not based on merits of university choice alone. You need to let this one go.

Plus1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making a problem where non exists. Your child is hapoy and loving her school. What more is there?

Plus 100

[Anonymous]

I know several 22-25yo adults who went to the affordable public colleges (ranked 70-100) who got into much higher ranked, pricey schools. They all have great jobs now.
And 1 girl just got into many top ranked medical schools.

Once you get into college, it's all about your hard work and making the most of all the resources the school has to offer.
Your DD will be fine