My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Op here - the heading says "his" - it's "her" but whatever.

[Anonymous]

It's not about you anymore, OP. Work on accepting that.

-- Signed, mother of a college freshman

[Anonymous]

Turning down a T10 school to go to a T100 school where I blossomed was one of the best decisions of my life. Why do you buy into the myths so much? It’s all just careful marketing designed to separate parents from their money.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever done cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy? This sounds like what my therapist would call a cognitive error/wrong thinking. Your daughter is very happy at a great school where she has incredible opportunities You made a smart financial choice that left you in a solid place.

[Anonymous]

Kid is okay, right? Thank goodness!

Maybe talk to someone about what is essentially a "you" problem, maybe you are disappointed that you weren't able to give her the "best" options, whatever that means to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Yes. Stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on everything around you. I would start by using your five senses -- what do you see, hear, taste, feel, and smell right now, as you read this? Paying attention to these things will get your mind off of thoughts that aren't of any use, and focus your mind on the present moment -- where you can make decisions that may be useful in the future.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are ridiculous. I went to VT, my DH went to an insanely expensive private college, we both ended up at the same grade school, and I had better grades. There is nothing better about a $$$ private college education vs. a run of the mill state school like Tech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

They are not worth much.

Also, anyone who bases their view on life or their self-worth on anything anyone writes on this board needs to stop reading this board. Seriously, why do you care what strangers on the internet think (or pretend to think)? You daughter is happy and thriving at a good school and will graduate without debt. That's fantastic. You will have money to send your other child to college also. That sounds pretty great to me.

[Anonymous]

It seems this isn't a her issue or even a college issue. This is a you and your mental health issue and you really need to get a handle on that. What you are doing isn't healthy for you and has the ability to permanently damage your relationship with your daughter. Act like an adult and fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems this isn't a her issue or even a college issue. This is a you and your mental health issue and you really need to get a handle on that. What you are doing isn't healthy for you and has the ability to permanently damage your relationship with your daughter. Act like an adult and fix it.

Op here - thanks, I neglected to add that I do realize what you're saying and have begun treatment.

[Anonymous]

You gave her a budget, she is happy at the school, and will graduate debt free.

Nothing to stress about here. Our budget was 25k per year. Both sons realized this and chose accordingly so that they too will graduate debt free.

[Anonymous]

You and your daughter deserve congratulations and praise, OP.

Please do not give in to these thoughts. When the money is not there (and in your case, it's very much NOT - don't even think about liquidating assets you need for retirement), you cannot spend it. You are fortunate that you can afford $40K a year. That's already very expensive.

Your daughter is well on her way to success: she's happy, and she's at a GOOD university. You have money left over for her sister, and you have money for retirement. It's wonderful!

Be proud, OP!

[Anonymous]

Many freshman are unhappy right now, be grateful that your dd is happy!!! Success is not based on merits of university choice alone. You need to let this one go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with what others have said here. Your daughter sounds like she is happy and thriving, and there is zero indication she worries about this. It's just you worrying about this--as another poster said, this is a you problem, and not a college/university/child problem. So approach it like a you problem and get individual therapy or talk to someone like you would about a you problem, not a college/university/child probably.