My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.

[Anonymous]

Op - your dd is happy and you can afford the school. That is worth so much. You can’t look back. You have no idea if she would have gotten into those other schools you now think would have been a better fit. But they would not have been a better fit bc they would have jeopardized your family’s financial security and what you can do for your younger dc. You have a win! Take it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - your dd is happy and you can afford the school. That is worth so much. You can’t look back. You have no idea if she would have gotten into those other schools you now think would have been a better fit. But they would not have been a better fit bc they would have jeopardized your family’s financial security and what you can do for your younger dc. You have a win! Take it!

This +100.
It's your anxiety that is making you second-guess what seems to be a wise, well-thought-out decision. Your child is happy and doing well at a good school. You've won the parenting game!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

many parents on this site don't have family money, came from nothing, and see education as one of the only ways to get out poverty.

If you don't need to see education that way, then you are privileged. Lucky you.

I don't have family money and education was definitely my vehicle for upward mobility. But it doesn't require going to a "top tier" or "elite" college. People who actually came from below don't have the luxury to obsess about Ivies or USNWR rankings. A good college education, debt-free? Sounds amazing to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

My kid fits the profile of a DMV high achiever. MCPS magnet, perfect academic stats, national level ECs, research, internships, NMS etc etc, He got into not one but 4 t20 schools for his competitive STEM major, like many of his peers. He decided to go to instate flagship at considerable merit, educational opportunity, research, internship, job opportunity, proximity to home, opportunity to maintain to his existing network of high achievers and opportunity to add to that from many brilliant and diverse students from DMV, nationally and internationally that he will find in UMD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

My kid fits the profile of a DMV high achiever. MCPS magnet, perfect academic stats, national level ECs, research, internships, NMS etc etc, He got into not one but 4 t20 schools for his competitive STEM major, like many of his peers. He decided to go to instate flagship at considerable merit, educational opportunity, research, internship, job opportunity, proximity to home, opportunity to maintain to his existing network of high achievers and opportunity to add to that from many brilliant and diverse students from DMV, nationally and internationally that he will find in UMD.

OP, in other words, my kid chose a university that he was going to be happy in. He had the stats and we had the money. We as parents wanted to pursue prestige also but my gen z kid had his own criteria and turned down couple of higher ranked colleges in favor of UMD. He was not shocked and awed by the rankings.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like OCD/intrusive thoughts. Your DD is happy and thriving and you’re ruminating on what could have been? This is very hurtful (to yourself).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

My kid fits the profile of a DMV high achiever. MCPS magnet, perfect academic stats, national level ECs, research, internships, NMS etc etc, He got into not one but 4 t20 schools for his competitive STEM major, like many of his peers. He decided to go to instate flagship at considerable merit, educational opportunity, research, internship, job opportunity, proximity to home, opportunity to maintain to his existing network of high achievers and opportunity to add to that from many brilliant and diverse students from DMV, nationally and internationally that he will find in UMD.

OP, in other words, my kid chose a university that he was going to be happy in. He had the stats and we had the money. We as parents wanted to pursue prestige also but my gen z kid had his own criteria and turned down couple of higher ranked colleges in favor of UMD. He was not shocked and awed by the rankings.

Kudos to you and your kid! T20 schools are only "T20" if it's the right fit for your kid. My own kid looked at several T20 schools and only liked 2 of them. The rest did not appeal, so they did not apply. While we can afford $80K/year, my kid looked at several that cost much less and they got into, some with significant merit. Ultimately my kid choose a state school with Honors program with signifiant merit. For them it was the best fit and they are happy with their choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Are you willing to name the higher ranked schools that she turned down and her intended major and/or career path ?

Will your daughter be attending graduate school ?

Regardless, you did a wonderful job helping your daughter select a solid school without taking on crippling debt.

Why does it matter which "higher ranked" schools her daughter turned down? It seems like she largely turned them down because of fit. And even if it was for $$$, she is happy with her choice and doing well. Where you go to college is only 5% of the picture (or less), it's what you do while there and in the future. A happy thriving college student will succeed in life. Being debt free on top of that is HUGE!

You make good points, but I was seeking a response from the OP.

Please let me handle my interaction with the OP so that I can address and, hopefully, help OP in my own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - your dd is happy and you can afford the school. That is worth so much. You can’t look back. You have no idea if she would have gotten into those other schools you now think would have been a better fit. But they would not have been a better fit bc they would have jeopardized your family’s financial security and what you can do for your younger dc. You have a win! Take it!

This +100.
It's your anxiety that is making you second-guess what seems to be a wise, well-thought-out decision. Your child is happy and doing well at a good school. You've won the parenting game!

Yes, these two comments, exactly. You've done beautifully, you and your kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

many parents on this site don't have family money, came from nothing, and see education as one of the only ways to get out poverty.

If you don't need to see education that way, then you are privileged. Lucky you.

The way out of poverty does not require you to go into debt for an imaginary "rank." You can get out of poverty faster by taking the scholarship at the school that offered you one. That education will also get you where you need to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education.

many parents on this site don't have family money, came from nothing, and see education as one of the only ways to get out poverty.

If you don't need to see education that way, then you are privileged. Lucky you.

The way out of poverty does not require you to go into debt for an imaginary "rank." You can get out of poverty faster by taking the scholarship at the school that offered you one. That education will also get you where you need to go.

sure, but the poster who stated "Many parents on this website are also very confused about the purpose of education." is insinuating that some people only see college as a ticket to making money, rather than "love of learning'. My point is that, yes, some of us do, because we came from nothing.

BTW, I do love to learn new things, but my primary goal for college was getting a high paying job so I could get out of poverty and help my parents.

It's a privilege that some of you don't have to worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll start by saying I have lots of anxiety/depression in general, so that's playing into this feeling, but DC is at a top 50-60ish public university where she got merit. Based on what she's told us so far, she absolutely loves it there, so nothing that I'm writing has anything to do with what she has told us! I'm very happy that she's happy, but also feel depressed that I limited her options based on our financial threshold. We were always up-front with our daughter about costs, so she's not mad with us. My child had the stats for Top 15-45ish schools and applied to several, but those that accepted her offered little to no merit or offered merit but just turned out to be schools that weren't a "fit" for her (i.e., too large, too rural, wrong major, etc.) and so she rejected their offers. There were other schools that I think she likely would have gotten accepted to and perhaps preferred, but they were not known to offer merit (and we had spoken to advisors and looked at common stat data), so we didn't bother with them. We are also not first-gen, under-rep minorities, or have any hooks.

I'm basically having all these thoughts about if we should have been willing to spend $70-$80k/year, which we could have done by taking out loans and/or liquidating more assets (from a small inheritance) that we would never rebuild b/c we're not high earners. Instead, we're paying $40K/year, which will allow her to graduate without any debt and may actually leave some money for potential grad school down the road. We also have another child and want to make sure that that child has the same college opportunities. I'm struggling with the fact that my child is attending what may very well have been the best fit for her (she came from a pressure-cooker school and struggled with anxiety, so maybe being a big fish in a small pond is a good thing), but is not the highest ranked school (for whatever the rankings are worth) that she could have attended. Maybe some of that is my own ego in the way and reading all these DCUM posters driven to the top school for their child at any expense.

Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Are you willing to name the higher ranked schools that she turned down and her intended major and/or career path ?

Will your daughter be attending graduate school ?

Regardless, you did a wonderful job helping your daughter select a solid school without taking on crippling debt.

Why does it matter which "higher ranked" schools her daughter turned down? It seems like she largely turned them down because of fit. And even if it was for $$$, she is happy with her choice and doing well. Where you go to college is only 5% of the picture (or less), it's what you do while there and in the future. A happy thriving college student will succeed in life. Being debt free on top of that is HUGE!

You make good points, but I was seeking a response from the OP.

Please let me handle my interaction with the OP so that I can address and, hopefully, help OP in my own way.

This is not a private one-on-one conversation, it's a public forum thread. People can respond to you whether or not they are OP.

Presumably OP doesn't want to disclose which schools her kid turned down or she would have done so by now. In any case, it doesn't matter which schools her kid turned down, whether they were HYPS, MIT, whatever - the fact remains that OP could not have swung paying for those schools without jeopardizing her own financial security. There is no information that OP can provide that will enable you to "help OP in your own way."

IOW, you are just nosey.

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks to so many of you for your positive reassurance, validation, and metaphorical slap in the face - I've needed it. I am emotionally spent thinking about where DD might have gone as opposed to where she currently is, and by another account today she is thriving where she is. She actually texted today that she was just accepted into some club that required applying for and was so excited.

As to the poster that asks about those specific other schools that I've been thinking about, I don't want to go there as that will perpetuate my mental somersaults. I'll just say that they were schools in the national ranking range of 30-45. DD is at a school in the 50-65 range. As I write this, I want to slap myself in the face for getting so worked up over the difference of 20-30 arbitrary ranking slots. I need to start journaling my thoughts to see how I've catastrophized the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Any thoughts on how I can just let this go and be happy that my kid is happy? Thanks.

Did you ever watch the show Fantasy Island as a kid? One of the things I liked about it is that it let you see how things played out if the person got what they think they wanted and often it didn’t turn out better than what they had. I think of those alternate decision timelines and believe things play out a certain way to bring you to the destiny you are supposed to have. My parents moved my junior year of high school to a different part of the country far from family and friends. While it truly sucked, I look back now and realize my college was only on the radar and possible financially because of that move, I met my best friends at that college, I ended up in DC area because of my college friends, I met my spouse through a friend of a friend I made at college who lives in this area. While it’s possible it all might have worked out if my family stayed where they were, I wouldn’t have the people in my life that I have now and wouldn’t be the person I am now if that decision didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks to so many of you for your positive reassurance, validation, and metaphorical slap in the face - I've needed it. I am emotionally spent thinking about where DD might have gone as opposed to where she currently is, and by another account today she is thriving where she is. She actually texted today that she was just accepted into some club that required applying for and was so excited.

As to the poster that asks about those specific other schools that I've been thinking about, I don't want to go there as that will perpetuate my mental somersaults. I'll just say that they were schools in the national ranking range of 30-45. DD is at a school in the 50-65 range. As I write this, I want to slap myself in the face for getting so worked up over the difference of 20-30 arbitrary ranking slots. I need to start journaling my thoughts to see how I've catastrophized the situation.

Since you prefer not to share specifics, I encourage you to look at all of your daughter's options in a more refined manner based on her interests and career goals compared to the offerings and placements at each school.

Posters who just parrot the obvious are unlikely to help you because the rankings are still there and you are well aware of your finances and your daughter's feelings. Maybe the echo chamber will help you a bit, but it won't change what you already knew and shared in your first post which started this thread.