Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.

It is not their job to check on his and endure nasty behavior. I think you are downplaying that. You do not understand from afar what that is like because they save their worst behavior for those closest. Before you accept your Gold medal for hiring people, you need to really process what was going on and how ungracious you are when it comes to relatives. The abusive behavior can get pretty bad and no you have no idea if you weren't there. They have a right to set a boundary and decide no more. Unless you were living there and experiencing the full amount of poor behavior you have no right to judge. If you cannot thank them for what they did rather than judging them for finally saying enough it enough, then you really need to do some soul searching

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If you haven't already, ask your aunts and uncles about your parents and their early lives.

"Tell me what grandma and grandpa were like as parents. What did you do for fun as siblings? What was my mom/dad like as a kid? What did you like best about them as a sibling? Worse? Etc."

I think this is a lovely suggestion in general, but given OP's lack of gratitude for what the relatives did and sense of entitlement, if I were her relative I would avoid her until she got help. Why would anyone want to become closer to someone who doesn't appreciate your kindness, has the nerve to decide you didn't do enough and who doesn't seem to have much empathy for what they endured. If anything trying to connect with them before she gets helps, may push a relative to finally tell her off.

OP again. How would I know what my relatives 'endured'? I wasn't there.

My father could be difficult and stubborn, I'll admit that, but I don't believe for a moment that he ever swore at people, or threw things at them as some PP suggested. They would have told me for sure.

One thing he did, which was annoying, was to ask people to buy groceries for him or drive him places two or three times in a day (the same people).
This was a result of his condition. He simply couldn't organize his mind anymore and write a shopping list. It wasn't his fault.

Ì am still friendly with my relatives. I saw them this summer.

[Anonymous]

Same OP. I think that cognitive disorders are too much for most people to deal with on a casual basis. Even if the person in question is asking questions nicely, they are just too confused.

At some point it would be best if your dad was in memory care near you. You will have to decide if you want to do long distance care giving and place him near his house or short distance caregiving and place him near you.

Would your relatives be different if all they had to do was go visit him? Unfortunately, my sibling depended on local relatives to visit our remaining parent and they just weren't up to it, even visiting once a month. Even in a facility.

Once people develop significant problems and need part time or full time care, most relatives can't handle doing most of it. At least that was my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.

It is not their job to check on his and endure nasty behavior. I think you are downplaying that. You do not understand from afar what that is like because they save their worst behavior for those closest. Before you accept your Gold medal for hiring people, you need to really process what was going on and how ungracious you are when it comes to relatives. The abusive behavior can get pretty bad and no you have no idea if you weren't there. They have a right to set a boundary and decide no more. Unless you were living there and experiencing the full amount of poor behavior you have no right to judge. If you cannot thank them for what they did rather than judging them for finally saying enough it enough, then you really need to do some soul searching

I don't need a gold medal, thanks.
Isn't that what you or anyone else would have done, hiring people?

And saying his behaviour was 'nasty' is your imagination. How would you know? You weren't there.
Difficult, yes. Stubborn, absolutely. Annoying, yes. Nasty, I doubt it. If my father were a nasty man during his life then why did he (and my mother) have a massive circle of friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, just please go see a therapist. This is not healthy to hang on to. I'm starting to think you are a troll, continuing to explain what your relatives should have done over 14 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just please go see a therapist. This is not healthy to hang on to. I'm starting to think you are a troll, continuing to explain what your relatives should have done over 14 years ago.

This 1000%.

[Anonymous]

I've just read the whole thread. There are some nasty replies on here.

Some posters have concluded that OP did not do enough for her ailing father - but very conveniently ignored to read the things that she did do. Others implied that she should have tried to move back and leave her relatives out of it.

We don't know the exact circumstances in this story. We don't know if OP's expectations of her relatives were simply too high, or why the relatives decided to stop helping a family member who was ill and clearly struggling.
It is also not clear if OP ever talked to her aunts and uncles and expressed her feelings of frustration and worry.

The posters who think OP should have tried to move back 'home' where her father lived - would you expect your only adult child who moved several states away (or overseas even), got married, had kids, established a good career and put down roots elsewhere to just move back near you so they can take care of you? They should just resign from a good job and leave? Stop paying the mortgage? Your adult child's spouse doesn't have a say in this?

What plans have YOU made for your end of life care?
What planet are some of you living on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've just read the whole thread. There are some nasty replies on here.

Some posters have concluded that OP did not do enough for her ailing father - but very conveniently ignored to read the things that she did do. Others implied that she should have tried to move back and leave her relatives out of it.

We don't know the exact circumstances in this story. We don't know if OP's expectations of her relatives were simply too high, or why the relatives decided to stop helping a family member who was ill and clearly struggling.
It is also not clear if OP ever talked to her aunts and uncles and expressed her feelings of frustration and worry.

The posters who think OP should have tried to move back 'home' where her father lived - would you expect your only adult child who moved several states away (or overseas even), got married, had kids, established a good career and put down roots elsewhere to just move back near you so they can take care of you? They should just resign from a good job and leave? Stop paying the mortgage? Your adult child's spouse doesn't have a say in this?

What plans have YOU made for your end of life care?
What planet are some of you living on?

OP is this you? We are telling you to get a therapist. It's been over 14 years, time to get yourself some grief counselling.

[Anonymous]

OP, your father received a lot more assistance than most people do from their extended family in that circumstance.

[Anonymous]

The hard truth of the matter is that caregiving and supervision falls to those closest to the person. You were not there to provide that care so you are finding it difficult to move on due to your guilt. Therapy, as others have mentioned, is the answer not repeated probing of anonymous strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad, but in life you get back what you give. What did your dad do for his family and how did he engage with them when he was younger and healthier? If he didn’t nourish those relationships, it’s not surprising no one was there for him.

I don't believe this at all. I've had several older relatives who did so much for everyone and when they began to falter, only a few of us went out of our way. It's just like people who volunteer to help at school or to host the family for holidays. Those people are often taken advantage of or are taken for granted. We all know many of us, as we begin to experience cognitive decline, become more churlish. Caring people know this and adapt. You can't assume that the person was unkind just because relatives aren't helping.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation (mom with dementia, dad died suddenly). All relatives except for my brother have essentially ghosted by mom. My aunt and uncle had known my mom since they all went to college together and lived walking distance from her and did not visit once after my dad died. My mom's own sister died. Dementia is very isolating. it is hard to watch. In fact I am tearing up just typing this. Just know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.

It was not their responsibility just because you chose not to live close. It was YOURS, as his child.

But this perseveration on blaming others after FOURTEEN YEARS is wildly unhealthy. Take the energy you’re using to post multiple excuse-making replies and use it to find a list of therapists online that you can start calling tomorrow when their offices open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation (mom with dementia, dad died suddenly). All relatives except for my brother have essentially ghosted by mom. My aunt and uncle had known my mom since they all went to college together and lived walking distance from her and did not visit once after my dad died. My mom's own sister died. Dementia is very isolating. it is hard to watch. In fact I am tearing up just typing this. Just know you are not alone.

Same here. My MIL has dementia and has essentially been ghosted by everyone. And my MIL was the most wonderful, thoughtful, caring person you can imagine before she had this illness. She was an elementary school teacher for many years, she volunteered widely in the community, she was always doing nice things for others like making meals when someone was sick or visiting older home bound neighbors, etc. She was well loved and had many many friends and a full social calendar. After she got dementia, where are all those people? Her friends of 40+ years who still live very close by…disappeared. They never visit or call or bring meals over like my MIL did countless times for them. Her siblings who she loved dearly and called weekly…never visit or call. Her nieces and nephews who she doted on and sent gifts to for years…haven’t heard from them in years. It’s very sad and lonely to see people just disappear from your life when life gets tough.

I’m sorry OP. I know it hurts. But it sounds like your relatives at least did more for your dad than what my in laws’ relatives and friends have done for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting yet again because as a person who has dealt with a difficult parent for years and is now distancing myself, this really struck a nerve. You are quite generous with OTHER people's time. Maybe it;s time to appreciate all your relatives did despite his difficult behavior and be grateful. You would have had to pay a small fortune to hire people to do that. No good deed goes unpunished it seems. I gave and gave and when I finally distanced for sanity the same people who had every excuse not to do more were critical. Have grace and gratitude OP, it's a better look.

Agree with all this, plus it sounds like OP’s father took terrible care of himself. With the reference to his love of food and not counting calories and avoiding doctors, I’m guessing he was obese and sedentary to die so young. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I think you should stop worrying about 14 years ago and focus on the rest of yourself. Live healthy.