Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

OP. OK, yes I blamed them at the time but that was out of pure frustration and stress. Two years before he died my father was in hospital for 5 weeks. His foot had developed gangrene and they were able to save his leg - just in time. You can't believe the stress we were under. I lost a stone in weight from stress. That and a change in his personality.
Dad really needed practical help at home, even if he hadn't come to terms with it his own mind. He had always been his own boss and he wasn't always easy going.

I think my parents died far too young.

No past tense about it, you are still blaming them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have siblings who live close to our father and they don't call or visit, except once a week. They're too busy with their families. It's sad but the way of our world.

I am the sibling that lives close to my mother and you have no idea how much of a commitment once a week is when it for years on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have siblings who live close to our father and they don't call or visit, except once a week. They're too busy with their families. It's sad but the way of our world.

I am the sibling that lives close to my mother and you have no idea how much of a commitment once a week is when it for years on end.

Meaning?

How close do you live to your mother? Is your mother in good health or not? Does she live on her own?
In any case if you live close to your parent and you have a good relationship with them, why wouldn't you want to see them once a week?

[Anonymous]

I was in the exact same situation and after my mom was hospitalized I forced her to move 5 minutes away from me in an assisted living place. That is what you should have done. Of course she didn’t want to move, and it was a pain in the ass to move her out of her house, sell her things, and sell her house to pay for assisted living but it had to be done. You can manage it from 300 miles. You have no idea how hard it is even with a parent 5 minutes away. I am 100% sure your relatives were resentful you refused to move your father close to you. You weren’t being called multiple times a day to take him to the store or appt. Own the fact that you didn’t do the right thing and stop resenting your relatives.

[Anonymous]

That’s is you can NOT manage it from 300 miles away. Once every 4-6 weeks doesn’t cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the exact same situation and after my mom was hospitalized I forced her to move 5 minutes away from me in an assisted living place. That is what you should have done. Of course she didn’t want to move, and it was a pain in the ass to move her out of her house, sell her things, and sell her house to pay for assisted living but it had to be done. You can manage it from 300 miles. You have no idea how hard it is even with a parent 5 minutes away. I am 100% sure your relatives were resentful you refused to move your father close to you. You weren’t being called multiple times a day to take him to the store or appt. Own the fact that you didn’t do the right thing and stop resenting your relatives.

This is the OP. I wasn't going to come back to this thread but here I am ...

Moving my father close to us - DH and I discussed this at the time but we decided against it because

1. My father didn't want to move. There was no way he was going to willingly agree to sell his house and move. He was very strong willed. You can't 'force' someone to sell up and move against their wishes if they still possess their mental capabilities. Medically speaking he was 'compos mentis'.

2. We didn't think it was OK to move him 300 miles away from his familiar surroundings, the place he grew up and the house he had shared with my mom for nearly 30 years.

Imagine I had moved him close to us. DH and I both worked. DH's work was 1.5 hours away from home. He was out all day. I worked for a local school, in the classroom with the kids. My father still would have been on his own most of the day, even with home health aides.

Yes, my father did sometimes rang my uncle and his wife multiple times a day, to buy him stuff or drive him to an ATM or something. I know this because they told me. It's the reason they stopped helping.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to make peace with your decisions. You felt it best for him to live alone. Try to make peace that you did what was best at the time. Find comfort in knowing that he was able to stay in his house. No one wants to be in this situation. Maybe he would have lived longer if someone was there day in and day out to monitor his health, but he probably would have hated that. You weighed the options and felt that he should remain home alone. That is what you deemed best. No one wants to have to make these decisions for their parents. It just sucks all around. There is no reason to be angry at your relatives. Let it go. He died the way he wanted to.

[Anonymous]

You get to be angry that they didn’t support YOU. You don’t have to couch this in terms of why didn’t they do thus and such for him.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe this thread has gone on and on as it is simple that OP and her husband made a choice on how to care for her dad that they needed to work out. One can't expect relatives to carry the load that a direct family member would do. It is not blaming OP just a statement that if dad did not want to address other care options even where he live such as assisted living or a CCRC by selling the house, well a choice was made. Time to move on with your life OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't believe this thread has gone on and on as it is simple that OP and her husband made a choice on how to care for her dad that they needed to work out. One can't expect relatives to carry the load that a direct family member would do. It is not blaming OP just a statement that if dad did not want to address other care options even where he live such as assisted living or a CCRC by selling the house, well a choice was made. Time to move on with your life OP.

This is the bottom line. OP, you can be resentful of your father for being stubborn and selfish in his decision not to move closer to your family when he was able to do so but he is long gone and you are better off working through your guilt, grief and anger with a therapist. My ILs made the decision to move from the east coast to the west once they retired to be in the same city as their children. They reaped the rewards of that big move many times over by being able to be a greater part of their children and grandchildrens’ lives as well as when they needed assistance in their old age. By choosing to keep everything status quo (remaining in their house and far away from you), your parents put this burden on you in a most unkind way. You need to be kind to yourself and tell yourself that you did your best in a very difficult situation. Your extended family helped your father and you should be grateful not envious or resentful.