Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you post, the worse you sound. Get therapy and figure out how to deal with your own guilt about not being there for your father without trying to shift the blame onto everyone else. You are a grown ass adult who should know better by now.

[Anonymous]

OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

It's great that you are kind to yourself about your limits. Now do the same for your relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

OP. OK, yes I blamed them at the time but that was out of pure frustration and stress. Two years before he died my father was in hospital for 5 weeks. His foot had developed gangrene and they were able to save his leg - just in time. You can't believe the stress we were under. I lost a stone in weight from stress. That and a change in his personality.
Dad really needed practical help at home, even if he hadn't come to terms with it his own mind. He had always been his own boss and he wasn't always easy going.

I think my parents died far too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

OP. OK, yes I blamed them at the time but that was out of pure frustration and stress. Two years before he died my father was in hospital for 5 weeks. His foot had developed gangrene and they were able to save his leg - just in time. You can't believe the stress we were under. I lost a stone in weight from stress. That and a change in his personality.
Dad really needed practical help at home, even if he hadn't come to terms with it his own mind. He had always been his own boss and he wasn't always easy going.

I think my parents died far too young.

Yes, they died too young. By all means grieve for them, and be sad that it was hard to help them, in part because of their own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

It's great that you are kind to yourself about your limits. Now do the same for your relatives.

+1
They had their own lives and obligations, too -- children, extended family, spouses, jobs, etc.

And your father was, in your words, stubborn and proud, and in theirs, difficult and demanding. Maybe he was terrible at accepting help, maybe he resented it and lashed out at people who were trying to help, maybe he resisted losing control by being critical and mean. Maybe they could have been more understanding, but maybe he was a jerk and they were only human, like you. Perhaps extend them the same grace you are giving yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

OP. OK, yes I blamed them at the time but that was out of pure frustration and stress. Two years before he died my father was in hospital for 5 weeks. His foot had developed gangrene and they were able to save his leg - just in time. You can't believe the stress we were under. I lost a stone in weight from stress. That and a change in his personality.
Dad really needed practical help at home, even if he hadn't come to terms with it his own mind. He had always been his own boss and he wasn't always easy going.

I think my parents died far too young.

They did and that is very sad. My own parents made it into their 90s, thanks to my brother insisting that they stay with him. It took a lot of convincing but that made all the difference. All my parents’ friends that lived into their 80s and beyond had one or more of their children close by to oversee their affairs and health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

It's great that you are kind to yourself about your limits. Now do the same for your relatives.

+1
They had their own lives and obligations, too -- children, extended family, spouses, jobs, etc.

And your father was, in your words, stubborn and proud, and in theirs, difficult and demanding. Maybe he was terrible at accepting help, maybe he resented it and lashed out at people who were trying to help, maybe he resisted losing control by being critical and mean. Maybe they could have been more understanding, but maybe he was a jerk and they were only human, like you. Perhaps extend them the same grace you are giving yourself.

This +100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 14 years ago. Likely nothing is as you remember. Get some therapy if you're having trouble.

+1. This is the kind of thing that talk therapy is really great at addressing. This is taking up too much space in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again ... There seem to be a lot of frustrated keyboard warriors and know-it-all, holier-than-thou types on this thread, who delight in criticizing me for all the things I allegedly didn't do, while very conveniently ignoring the things I did do for my father. Whatever.

None of you on this whole thread have actually said what they think I should/could have done in PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC terms.

If you had been in my shoes while my father was ill for 3 years until he passed away, what would you have done?

Take into account the fact that moving back home to live close to my father was never an option. I didn't want that, my husband didn't want that and even my father didn't want that.

Also, I worked for a school at the time and when you work for a school you can't just take time off work whenever you want.

Some of you do sound angry and bitter.

There's a lot of frustration from posters here b/c you refuse to acknowledge that your blaming your relatives is out of line. That's really the core issue. You came here to lay blame at their feet, and most ppl feel that it's unfair of you.

OP. OK, yes I blamed them at the time but that was out of pure frustration and stress. Two years before he died my father was in hospital for 5 weeks. His foot had developed gangrene and they were able to save his leg - just in time. You can't believe the stress we were under. I lost a stone in weight from stress. That and a change in his personality.
Dad really needed practical help at home, even if he hadn't come to terms with it his own mind. He had always been his own boss and he wasn't always easy going.

I think my parents died far too young.

You lost a stone? Are you living in Australia or the UK? Under what health system was your father living?

Yes your parents died young, but that is not anyone else's fault.

Maybe you should read "Being Mortal". Your father seemed to want to live his last years under his own terms, and it seems like he achieved that. Given his serious conditions, would he really have lived much longer and what would his quality of life have been? The only practical thing you could have done was to move your father closer to you, but it seems that he would have refused that offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If they are around 75-80, they have seen a lot of friends and relatives die. Maybe they want to focus on the time they have left and enjoy their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

You mention you were an only child, with no children.

I think you might have an overly rosy idea of how blood relatives are, and should in reality have a much stronger connection with your husband.

My brother drives me nuts, and my father hardly ever saw his siblings who lived a few miles away. It's not like all siblings get together for lunch every Sunday, babysit each other kids, or go shopping together.

[Anonymous]

I think that you really just need to reframe your thinking. You did what you felt was best for your father. That is all anyone can do. It is extremely difficult to watch your loved one die. I just went through it and no matter what the guilt is always there. My dad lived out of state and when he was no longer able to live on his own I made the decision to move him into an assisted living facility in my state, so I could better navigate his care. I knew I couldn't rely on others to watch over him and take care of him. I know that he wanted to stay in his home, but I also knew that it was an unsafe environment. I loved my dad, but it was extremely difficult to see him like he was. It was frustrating having a conversation with him. I was constantly tasked with solving problems that existed only in his demented mind. Honestly, I didn't visit as much as you would have liked, but I did what I needed to do to get through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

It is sad and hurtful. Hugs op. I get you.