Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

My late father became a widower at 55 years old. My mom had died after a short battle with cancer, aged only 51.

My father lived on his own and he managed until years later, at age 61, his own health started failing, first unnoticed, then obvious. Eventually he was diagnosed with advanced (undetected) diabetes, infected foot and leg ulcers, osteomyelitis (infection of the bones) and he also started fainting and having fits due to a series of mini strokes (transient ischemic attacks). His behaviour had also changed somewhat. He died from sepsis after an MRSA infection in a hospital, aged only 64.

My father was adamant that he lived in his own house and not in a facility. I organized the appropriate care for him through an agency, though he would sometimes cancel the service behind my back, to my frustration.

I'm an only child and I live about 300 miles away. The majority of my relatives lived near my father's house. The nearest one was 2 or 3 minutes away by car, the others all within a 10 minute drive (maximum).

Alhough one or two relatives initially offered to help - and they did help with groceries, pharmacy, driving him to an ATM, etc - the help soon stopped. Relatives thought it was too much, he was 'difficult', 'demanding', etc.
Meanwhile I still lived 300 miles away. I rang my father most days and my DH and I visited whenever we were able to, usually every 4 weeks. We both had jobs.

I saw my relatives this summer and they're having a nice life and lifestyle. My father would be 78 this year. Becoming ill is no one's fault but I wish they had checked on my father more often when he was ill.
Living far away from each other, my father was a master in 'hiding' his situation and he would only tell me what he wanted me to hear.
He was also stubborn and proud.

Do you think it's normal that my aunts and uncles didn't offer more support, or at least tried to understand that his 'awkward' behaviour was part of his condition? He wasn't behaving awkwardly on purpose.

[Anonymous]

I have siblings who live close to our father and they don't call or visit, except once a week. They're too busy with their families. It's sad but the way of our world.

[Anonymous]

It’s sad, but in life you get back what you give. What did your dad do for his family and how did he engage with them when he was younger and healthier? If he didn’t nourish those relationships, it’s not surprising no one was there for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's been 14 years and it seems like you still have grief/anger issues about your father's death which haunt you. One of those issues is how your father's siblings treated him when he needed them most.

They gave you a clue when they said he was "difficult" but consider this: Maybe he was absolutely awful to them, perhaps in a verbally abusive way. Or maybe he point blank told them to butt out of his life. Sibling relationships are very complicated and, like a marriage, no one really knows what they are like from the outside.

There could be lots of complicating factors why your aunts/uncles didn't help, including what was going on in their own lives at the time.

Grief does not have an expiration date. I hope you find a way to resolve this and know that most people try to do the best they can, while they can.

[Anonymous]

So what is it you’re looking for here? What do you want to see happen?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sometimes among seniors they will avoid the sick or rapidly aging peer because it's scary for them to witness mortality, or because they think they'll be stuck doing a lot of caregiving.

Honestly it sounds like his behavior was a lot worse than "awkward". It was self-sabotaging and care-rejecting. If he was like that to his own daughter he might have been the same or worse to them. Yes it's part of his condition, but they're dealing with their own issues and struggles in life and only have so much bandwidth for someone who isn't pleasant and who treats them rudely and rejects help. You need to open your mind to the full situaton here.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is 14 years ago. Likely nothing is as you remember. Get some therapy if you're having trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what is it you’re looking for here? What do you want to see happen?

OP here. I guess I wanted to find out if this sort of thing happens in other families too.

14 years after my father's death I still struggle with the loss of both my parents. 51 and 64 years old. Luckily for them, they were able to enjoy life to the full from when they married in the 1960s until my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

I just feel that relatives could have been a bit more understanding. I know that one or two did help my father for a while, but others did nothing, not even a friendly phone call to ask how he was doing They all knew I live 300 miles away. It was hard.

Actually the person who offered him practical support the most was a neighbor.

[Anonymous]

You may want to talk with a therapist about this. It's been quite some time for you to be ruminating about this. It doesn't matter what is "normal" or what other families do.

[Anonymous]

The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

[Anonymous]

OP, this all happened over 14 years ago. Of course you are still grieving and wishing things had ended differently for him (and your mother). But after all this time, to begrudge extended family their joys and healthier old age - well, that's misplaced grief and anger at what was an impossible situation.

Everyone did the best they could at the time, including you. Time to forgive yourself and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is it you’re looking for here? What do you want to see happen?

OP here. I guess I wanted to find out if this sort of thing happens in other families too.

14 years after my father's death I still struggle with the loss of both my parents. 51 and 64 years old. Luckily for them, they were able to enjoy life to the full from when they married in the 1960s until my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

I just feel that relatives could have been a bit more understanding. I know that one or two did help my father for a while, but others did nothing, not even a friendly phone call to ask how he was doing They all knew I live 300 miles away. It was hard.

Actually the person who offered him practical support the most was a neighbor.

Some families do. Some families don’t. What does it matter, really? Honestly, I think you’re looking for a way to blame them. My guess is that you feel guilty for not being there and can’t resolve that. As others have suggested, some therapy is in order. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is it you’re looking for here? What do you want to see happen?

OP here. I guess I wanted to find out if this sort of thing happens in other families too.

14 years after my father's death I still struggle with the loss of both my parents. 51 and 64 years old. Luckily for them, they were able to enjoy life to the full from when they married in the 1960s until my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

I just feel that relatives could have been a bit more understanding. I know that one or two did help my father for a while, but others did nothing, not even a friendly phone call to ask how he was doing They all knew I live 300 miles away. It was hard.

Actually the person who offered him practical support the most was a neighbor.

It totally does happen in other families. Caregiving for an ailing, difficult, grieving widower is hard, and people just aren't that willing to do it. They didn't ask after him because that opens the door to doing thngs for hm. You'll probably feel the same if you grow old and a younger relative wants you to do this kind of thing.

I think you need to own your choice to move so far away. It's not their job to compensate for what you've chosen not to do. It sounds like you lost your parents far too young and that's the real heartache here.

[Anonymous]

It's very normal. Dementia, pain, incapacity, and mortality are great fears of older people and they wll distance themselves.

My mom for example is very supportive of most of her frends and family, but if someone has breast cancer she wll avoid that person, because it's her biggest anxiety.

[Anonymous]

There is no normal, but what you describe is common.
I'm an only child living in the US with parents in Europe and my father is starting to decline cognitively.

So you have all my sympathy. I'm afraid I might have to move back home to look after him and my disabled mother, and I foresee a lot of problems with that, notably that my labor will go completely unrecognized by everyone and that my wants and needs will go completely unmet.

Don't dwell too much on the past, OP. I'm not sure anything your relatives could have done would have significantly improved your father's quality of life.