Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an ailing father (though older) who lives a couple hundred miles away. He is alone with relatives pretty close by. I do have a sister who also lives far away.

1. I think it's very odd you're rehashing this 14 years later.
2. No one owes you or your father anything. If he was difficult or unpleasant, most people aren't going to deal with it.
3. When my mother was out of the picture, my sister and I made it our job to figure out what was going on with my dad. We now visit more frequently. We call multiple times per week. And we set up a home health service that reports to us to check in on him.

I think it's odd that you don't see any fault for yourself in this situation. Sounds like you were asleep at the wheel a bit.

But no, OP was busy paying her mortgage on her house 300 miles away. You can’t judge OP. But by all means, the relatives who lived a 10 minute driving distance away from the belligerent father should be hanging their heads in shame because they’re still alive 14 years later.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you are understanding these answers. Please find a therapist to process your grief. Blaming relatives is not healthy for you. You need to find peace and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have siblings who live close to our father and they don't call or visit, except once a week. They're too busy with their families. It's sad but the way of our world.

And how often do you visit?

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

No said that you can’t grieve the death of your parents. The issue is that you’re seem to be fixating on your relatives in an unproductive way. You’re posting about how they didn’t take care of him enough and now you’re saying that they don’t mention them. With some therapy with a grief counselor, hopefully you can get to a healthier place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If you haven't already, ask your aunts and uncles about your parents and their early lives.

"Tell me what grandma and grandpa were like as parents. What did you do for fun as siblings? What was my mom/dad like as a kid? What did you like best about them as a sibling? Worse? Etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

You saw them this summer. You don’t live near them, so it’s not like you’re with them frequently. You’re upset that they didn’t talk more about them when you saw them. But did you ask them to share stories about your parents? Or we’re just sitting there waiting? You seem stuck on blaming them for your feelings of grief and loneliness. Posters are telling you that it’s misplaced. Seek out some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If you haven't already, ask your aunts and uncles about your parents and their early lives.

"Tell me what grandma and grandpa were like as parents. What did you do for fun as siblings? What was my mom/dad like as a kid? What did you like best about them as a sibling? Worse? Etc."

OP again. That's a good idea, thanks. I was already thinking of researching my family's history and doing the family tree. And I like scrap booking too.

[Anonymous]

Show some of that care that you wished for your parents to someone else in your extended family. Take a week off and shuttle your aunt to her doctor's appointments and cook meals for your uncle.

What about your husband's family? why don't you become a better aunt to his nieces & nephews? or a more involved daughter-in-law to his parents?

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to want everyone to have empathy for YOU and show sympathy for YOU. Your mindset is incredibly entitled. Did you thank the nearby relatives for all they did and endured when they tried to be helpful? What you call challenging behavior might have been downright abusive. If that is the case, it's no wonder they don't speak of him. You are fortunate they are gracious enough not to guilt trip you and resent you for not doing your part as the daughter. Living far away is no excuse.

The pity party and me me me attitude is not going to serve you well and it needs to be worked on with a professional. Start focusing on helping others. As PP suggested, why don't you start helping a family member more and perhaps you should visit these aunts and uncles and do things for THEM.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you are lonely because you don't have a next-generation in your life (children, nieces/nephews, etc.) but what you are missing is that if YOU became a better relative, you might find more people in your life.

If you become more involved with your parents' living relatives then you may also wind up developing a closer relationship with THEIR children.

My mother's siblings weren't the greatest in the world and didn't visit her as often as I would have liked while she was alive but I didn't hold it against them. I maintained my connection, developed my own relationship with them, and am now connected to their kids and their kids.

You get out of life what you put into life.

[Anonymous]

I have already posted, but I almost wonder if you are projecting your own guilt onto the relatives. When I was doing so much for our parents my sister started sending me unwanted gifts (junk) and I asked her to stop. She said something like "should I just give you cash for being there for mom and dad?" I declined and was grossed out by this response. Then years later I asked her to do one thing-help mom plan dad's funeral because I was burned out and she made sure every living relative knew SHE had done it and made it seem like I was estranged and did little for our parents. Really disturbing stuff. I felt like years of being there were negated. She sobbed and sobbed at the funeral even though for many years she barely saw our dad and for many years she didn't get along with him. Everything was about her grief and loss. I have distanced myself and there really is no repairing with out sincere apologies and even then I would have major boundaries.

OP, you are the one responsible for your dad. It's fine you could not be there as much as you wanted, but you have no right to project your own guilt onto others. Process the fact there was only so much you could do, take ownership, forgive yourself and thank those people who tried to help profusely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If you haven't already, ask your aunts and uncles about your parents and their early lives.

"Tell me what grandma and grandpa were like as parents. What did you do for fun as siblings? What was my mom/dad like as a kid? What did you like best about them as a sibling? Worse? Etc."

I think this is a lovely suggestion in general, but given OP's lack of gratitude for what the relatives did and sense of entitlement, if I were her relative I would avoid her until she got help. Why would anyone want to become closer to someone who doesn't appreciate your kindness, has the nerve to decide you didn't do enough and who doesn't seem to have much empathy for what they endured. If anything trying to connect with them before she gets helps, may push a relative to finally tell her off.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.