Relatives' lack of interest in my father who had cognitive issues. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are completely unreasonable to demand others be full time caregivers when you have no idea what you are asking them to do and you aren't willing to do it yourself. I did it for my MIL. It was a full time job. You could have gotten groceries delivered, found a nurse/health care provider to come to the house, etc. You should have done more instead of complaining what others didn't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

Hindsight is 20/20. I chose to live 300 miles away 13 years before my father's death, and with both my parents' full support.
I was in my 20s when I moved away.

By the time my father passed away I was married, had a job 300 miles away (where DH and I lived) while paying off a mortgage.
No one has a crystal ball.

It's also unusual that both parents die so young I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

Hindsight is 20/20. I chose to live 300 miles away 13 years before my father's death, and with both my parents' full support.
I was in my 20s when I moved away.

By the time my father passed away I was married, had a job 300 miles away (where DH and I lived) while paying off a mortgage.
No one has a crystal ball.

It's also unusual that both parents die so young I think.

NP. You could have tried to move back, though I understand why you didn't. I think most people assume parental care is more of a child's job than a sibling's. It would probably feel pretty unfair to you if you knew your relatives were sitting around and judging you, 14 years later, because you didn't move to be closer to your dad.

How old were you when this happened? Is it possible you are still fixated on it because you felt like "child" in the situation, and you saw your relatives as the "adults"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

Hindsight is 20/20. I chose to live 300 miles away 13 years before my father's death, and with both my parents' full support.
I was in my 20s when I moved away.

By the time my father passed away I was married, had a job 300 miles away (where DH and I lived) while paying off a mortgage.
No one has a crystal ball.

It's also unusual that both parents die so young I think.

So you’ve excused yourself for the choices you made and how they may or may not have impacted your father’s final years. That’s perfectly fine. Why can’t you do the same for your relatives? Your “questioning” is just veiled judgment and blame for choices they made 14 years ago. Why don’t they get to have legitimate reasons for the level (or lack) of care they showed your father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Honestly, it sounds like he made his choices and choices have consequences. I know it's hard to accept, but it isn't anyone's responsibility to override his will or drag him anywhere.

[Anonymous]

You say he is difficult and demanding. Have you worked to get him properly medicated for that? If not, do you feel it's the job of your relatives to deal with horrible behavior? Do you understand that they have families and stressors of their own? You seem to lack empathy for others. You are the adult child. They presumably had to look our for their own parents and they paid their dues. It sounds like he did have support and the bad behavior became too much. Most people distance themselves from those who are mean to them. Your choice it to either get him the proper treatment for this behavior or find a facility that can work with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

Hindsight is 20/20. I chose to live 300 miles away 13 years before my father's death, and with both my parents' full support.
I was in my 20s when I moved away.

By the time my father passed away I was married, had a job 300 miles away (where DH and I lived) while paying off a mortgage.
No one has a crystal ball.

It's also unusual that both parents die so young I think.

So you’ve excused yourself for the choices you made and how they may or may not have impacted your father’s final years. That’s perfectly fine. Why can’t you do the same for your relatives? Your “questioning” is just veiled judgment and blame for choices they made 14 years ago. Why don’t they get to have legitimate reasons for the level (or lack) of care they showed your father?

You don't need a crystal ball to know that the more time you spend far away, the more likely you are to put down roots there and get settled. Yes, losing both parents young is rare, but parents needing your help pretty young is not that rare. I'm only 40 and I've seen my parents through various surgeries (quad bypass, hysterectomy). Needing to help is not rare at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say he is difficult and demanding. Have you worked to get him properly medicated for that? If not, do you feel it's the job of your relatives to deal with horrible behavior? Do you understand that they have families and stressors of their own? You seem to lack empathy for others. You are the adult child. They presumably had to look our for their own parents and they paid their dues. It sounds like he did have support and the bad behavior became too much. Most people distance themselves from those who are mean to them. Your choice it to either get him the proper treatment for this behavior or find a facility that can work with him.

I see you mean late father. I disagree with some others. I think you should get help because you have no business putting blame on your relatives. He made his choices. It is disturbing to expect people to suck it up with bad behavior whether it is due to aging or mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Some people are REALLY freaked out by medical things and can't be around it. I have an aunt who can't stand hospitals. It's not that she doesn't love and support you, it's that she knows she'd make it all about herself if she went to visit you in one. She'll visit when you're home.

Some people are better at "bedside manner" stuff than others. I'm GREAT at playing nurse to someone sick or recovering from surgery. Others are not. If they know they can't do this, that may explain why they stayed away.

You said your dad was difficult. Consider he may have been more difficult with them and less difficult with you because he loved you more. Maybe he threw things at them. Maybe he said HORRID things to them. They set boundaries.

You will never know why. It has nothing to do with money though. You have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

+1,000,000

OP I am the sibling that lives closest. A person can be very different for family far away than those who have to see them often. My guess is he was far worse with them than you think. I think it is disturbing that so much of your grief is focused on blame. I'm glad you aren't struggling with guilt that you didn't do more, but you have no right to place so much blame on people who did not owe him much. As another said, you hire caregivers, grocery service, etc. How much did YOU do for these relatives and how much did he do. Life is not all take, take, take. I think you have unreasonable expectations about what people owe your family.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

[Anonymous]

Posting yet again because as a person who has dealt with a difficult parent for years and is now distancing myself, this really struck a nerve. You are quite generous with OTHER people's time. Maybe it;s time to appreciate all your relatives did despite his difficult behavior and be grateful. You would have had to pay a small fortune to hire people to do that. No good deed goes unpunished it seems. I gave and gave and when I finally distanced for sanity the same people who had every excuse not to do more were critical. Have grace and gratitude OP, it's a better look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pain with osteomyelitis is dreadful. Combine that with out of whack blood sugar level on top of other health concerns and they are VERY difficult to be around. Friends not longer come by. Neighbors avoid the house. Relatives decrease visits. When they complain about the help you provide, it hurts. When they accuse you of stealing or mistreatment, you avoid. Very few can handle a routine verbal attack when they don't need to.

Curious did he also take to drinking to dull the pain?

OP here.
Yes, I remember the pain he was in with osteomyelitis. Even the pressure of a sheet on his foot was unbearable.
He also later developed gangrene in his foot.

No, my father actually stopped drinking alcohol by that time.
Not that he was reliant on alcohol but he loved food and drink, dining out, etc. I don't think he ever counted calories or looked at the sugar or fat content of the foods he ate.

My father was a lovely guy but he could be so stubborn. He took pride in the fact that he never needed to see a doctor in his life, and never needed hospital treatment. He was strong as an ox. So he never had any health checks.

Sadly for him he didn't/wouldn't recognize the early signs that something was wrong with his health.
If my mother been alive she would have dragged him to the doctor.

+1,000,000

OP I am the sibling that lives closest. A person can be very different for family far away than those who have to see them often. My guess is he was far worse with them than you think. I think it is disturbing that so much of your grief is focused on blame. I'm glad you aren't struggling with guilt that you didn't do more, but you have no right to place so much blame on people who did not owe him much. As another said, you hire caregivers, grocery service, etc. How much did YOU do for these relatives and how much did he do. Life is not all take, take, take. I think you have unreasonable expectations about what people owe your family.

Your relatives did the best they could with taking care of him. Sitting in judgment of them 14 years later for how they cared for him when you chose to be 300 miles away isn’t a good look.

This. How much did he do for them, whatever it was they needed at their life stages? Or did he leave caregiving to his wife and think that men don't have to do it?

[Anonymous]

I have an ailing father (though older) who lives a couple hundred miles away. He is alone with relatives pretty close by. I do have a sister who also lives far away.

1. I think it's very odd you're rehashing this 14 years later.
2. No one owes you or your father anything. If he was difficult or unpleasant, most people aren't going to deal with it.
3. When my mother was out of the picture, my sister and I made it our job to figure out what was going on with my dad. We now visit more frequently. We call multiple times per week. And we set up a home health service that reports to us to check in on him.

I think it's odd that you don't see any fault for yourself in this situation. Sounds like you were asleep at the wheel a bit.