Reply to What's the problem with dating a separated person?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.[/quote]

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.[/quote]

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)[/quote]

There is a huge difference between being “over” your marriage while you are still in it (as in: no longer in love with your partner, want to leave, not committed to making it work) and bring over your marriage and divorce. These are different things.

Lots of people feel totally over their marriage and discover that the process of divorce and division of assets pulls up a ton of strong emotions. I’m not talking about love for your STBX. I’m talking about buried resentment over compromises you made years ago. Regret over life choices. Worry over financial future. Complex feelings about aging and sexuality. A lot of this isn’t even about the STBX or the relationship, it’s about yourself. Marriage is bigger than just the relationship between two people. It involves extended families, money, it impacts careers and decisions about where you live, friendships. A marriage is a life. You can be over your ex and still need to process the end of YOUR life with that ex.

Divorced/divorcing people who were married for more than a couple years and deny this truth are dangerous to me. People who act like dissolving a marriage is no big deal and they can just move on without much introspection or healing are kicking a can down the road.[/quote]

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