DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I only listed I was a litigation attorney because it is an intense, time-consuming job. MIL will comment that we have house cleaners (she always scrubbed her own floors) and I don’t join her in the kitchen (her family had a home-cooked meal every night). Also, I feel resentful that my limited downtime should be spent sidestepping MILs questions and faking pleasantries. And yes - I fake pleasantries for my job, but I get paid in those scenarios.

I’m torn between my own wants and doing something for the sake of making DH happy. Thanks for the advice and perspective.

Since you are married, you need to take one for the team every so often. Play ncie with his mom. It will make his life a lot easier. That’s what spouses do.

+1. It’s part of marriage. You don’t have to be besties - just nice enough to keep the peace. I am one of the PP that said fake it. I too have a demanding job. I just view it as another house chore, one that I can’t delegate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I agree with all of this. The responses to this are pretty typical of this board, which is full of people who think they shouldn’t have to extend any effort to be pleasant to the their spouse’s family and any spouse who talks to their parents about anything more than superficial issues is “enmeshed.”

I also question OP’s skills as a litigator if they can’t figure out how to interact one on one with someone just because they don’t have much in common. The “I can’t be bothered because I’m a high-powered litigator” vibes are strong; they can, they just don’t want to.

Well said and I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

My own DH used me as what I would describe as "cannon fodder" with his family. He got credit for having a relationship but spent the whole time hiding behind me (or maybe work). In no way was he giving me a gift. - only a burden he could not carry himself. I felt like the scapegoat - overburdened and cast out from protection- when his relationship finally broke down.

I have no advice here. I just hope you will not be me!!

When he talks about his fights with you, is he setting you up as a scapegoat?

In some way, did the tactic of hiding behind the exwife ultimately backfire and is now causing jealousy? If so, why is he continuing to try and use a wife as the burden-holder for his relationship with his own mother? Why not learn from the mistake?

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if there is something going on with your family background? Having no real relationship with your own family, if there was nothing bad/trauma related about your upbringing, being that distant from family is somewhat unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if there is something going on with your family background? Having no real relationship with your own family, if there was nothing bad/trauma related about your upbringing, being that distant from family is somewhat unusual.

My parents just prefer to do their own thing. My mom’s mom died when she was 6, and my grandpa worked a lot. The kids raised themselves. So I don’t blame her. My mom and dad worked a lot when I was a kid. We were financially well off, but I was an independent, latch key kid. I left for college and now we talk about once a month and see each other once a year. We’re all good with it. I’ve been to therapy and it’s a form of emotional abandonment/neglect during development. I’m already fully cooked now, so I am who I am.

I do love DH and we have a great relationship. Thanks for the advice to try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

[Anonymous]

I think you are smart, OP. I am the poster of the thread about a MIL who admitted she deeply resents me after years of emotional labor on my part to carry the burden of that family while my DH worked a ton.

I wish an older female would have pulled me aside early in this dynamic and told me to stop doing so much work for someone else's family. I have a WHOLE new perspective now and will instruct my daughter accordingly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are smart, OP. I am the poster of the thread about a MIL who admitted she deeply resents me after years of emotional labor on my part to carry the burden of that family while my DH worked a ton.

I wish an older female would have pulled me aside early in this dynamic and told me to stop doing so much work for someone else's family. I have a WHOLE new perspective now and will instruct my daughter accordingly!

Your situation is nothing like OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

OP’s husband asked for more time with MIL not one on one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

OP’s husband asked for more time with MIL not one on one time.

It's not just more time with MIL, it's more time one-on-one and closer. In her posts, OP has said:

"DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship"
"I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

??? If her husband does the same thing, then how on earth is that misogynistic and patriarchal? Think before you type. Some of you are so self-absorbed that you don't understand that a marriage is a two-way street. If both parties are sacrificing for the other, then they both win.

A woman who consistently puts her own needs first, consistently ahead of those of her children or spouse, isn't a good mom or wife. Those are the characteristics of narcissists and their habits of behavior are incompatible with the act of being good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

This PP nailed it. OP also sounds very arrogant and condescending, comes across as very unpleasant in her posts. Who exactly is controlling? Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

??? If her husband does the same thing, then how on earth is that misogynistic and patriarchal? Think before you type. Some of you are so self-absorbed that you don't understand that a marriage is a two-way street. If both parties are sacrificing for the other, then they both win.

A woman who consistently puts her own needs first, consistently ahead of those of her children or spouse, isn't a good mom or wife. Those are the characteristics of narcissists and their habits of behavior are incompatible with the act of being good parents.

OP's DH isn't making the 'sacrifice' he's asking her to make. He is pressuring her to do something she hasn't asked of him and something she isn't comfortable with. When someone is pushed to sacrifice rather than coming to that decision independently, it's toxic and unhealthy. Women like you don't even recognized your internal misogyny. The only 'need' in this thread is for OP to be polite/civil to her MIL. She has fulfilled that need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

This PP nailed it. OP also sounds very arrogant and condescending, comes across as very unpleasant in her posts. Who exactly is controlling? Hmm.

I bet OP is one of those women that struggles with female relationships in general. Although I'm sure she'll be back to say that she has tons of long term female friends. Yep, sure.