DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

I guess that's a good question (I'm the PP with the fishing idea.) In my family of origin it is decidedly NOT enough for any married-in member, male or female, to be a good partner. They are expected to be warm-and-fuzzy with the entire clan. I suppose we are all enmeshed with each other. My husband is a more closed-off person and they all think he is rigid and icy, even though he is a good husband and father. The pressure seems to be even higher on women.

I'm the PP that asked why it isn't enough to be a good partner. Are you describing your DH as 'closed off' because he's not warm-and-fuzzy? I ask that because 'closed off' implies there's something wrong with him, like he's emotionally stunted. You can not be warm-and-fuzzy and not be 'closed off'. You say your DH is a good husband and father so I'm assuming that he is, instead, more reserved than with your family than what they expect - so, they render a judgment that he's 'closed off' rather than acknowledge his right for emotional autonomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

That isn’t an in law issue, it’s a spouse issue. None of it matters unless the spouse is unhappy with the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

??? If her husband does the same thing, then how on earth is that misogynistic and patriarchal? Think before you type. Some of you are so self-absorbed that you don't understand that a marriage is a two-way street. If both parties are sacrificing for the other, then they both win.

A woman who consistently puts her own needs first, consistently ahead of those of her children or spouse, isn't a good mom or wife. Those are the characteristics of narcissists and their habits of behavior are incompatible with the act of being good parents.

He doesn’t. Your reading comprehension needs work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

That your husband should be polite to your father in group settings, but absolutely does not need to go sit in a boat or on a dock for hours and be bored out of his mind because your grown adult father “keeps hinting” like a child that he should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I think you're ignoring what is the key component in my mind--that OP's husband is sharing information about their marriage, and the MIL takes it upon herself to weigh in. I agree that if it were just a matter of OP smiling, nodding, and being polite with someone she has little in common with, she should do it. But to do this with someone who is actively interfering in her marriage is another matter. OP has a DH problem and a MIL problem. Probably easier to tackle the DH problem--if OP can shut him down from sharing intimate details of their relationship with his mother, she'll be less annoying and OP can have a less fraught relationship with her.

OMG this!!!!!!!!! If her DH wants her to have a relationship with the MIL he has to respect her boundaries. I would NOT be ok with my DH discussing our relationship problems with my MIL. Way to drive a major wedge. I’d ask for this to stop ASAP and see how you feel about her. I do plenty to facilitate my MIL visits because I understand they are important to my DH and some what to our kids but I would not be ok with getting her advice on my relationship especially if you already know you are very different.

If he agrees and comes through on that, maybe each visit you can do one thing with her 1:1 that you actually enjoy like going to pedicures or something. Does your DH have sisters? My MIL doesn’t have a lot of friends and desperately wants people to do girly things she can’t do with her husband and son. Before our visits were mostly about the kids I tried to do something she liked, we had enough common ground that it was possible. I did not let her take me shopping at Talbots or equivalent though…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very cold, OP.

BS. DH is enmeshed. MIL is likely annoying. Don’t give in, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

OMG. RUN, don’t walk, to the nearest exit.

[Anonymous]

You are a smart woman, you can handle this issue with poise and tact. Have faith, do good, keep your boundaries. Do more shared activities and avoid talks. Be creative. You got it.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest and tell her that I welcome you as my husband’s mom but doesn’t want to discuss our marital life with you as it can sour relationships. If needed, we’ll a therapist or financial advisor neither of us is related to.

[Anonymous]

Also convey it to your husband that you’ll welcome her as a MIL, not as a BFF, marital therapist or financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine as you are. You're doing nothing wrong and having a closer relationship forced you sounds horrible.

You basically have a man baby for a husband whose first desire is to please his mother.

THat's probably why he's on marriage 2.

Her DH sucks but clearly OP is no prize herself. Why did she marry him otherwise? And do litigation attorneys not make that much? Couldn’t she find someone who wasn’t divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine as you are. You're doing nothing wrong and having a closer relationship forced you sounds horrible.

You basically have a man baby for a husband whose first desire is to please his mother.

THat's probably why he's on marriage 2.

Her DH sucks but clearly OP is no prize herself. Why did she marry him otherwise? And do litigation attorneys not make that much? Couldn’t she find someone who wasn’t divorced?

Well, there is more to relationships than money.

[Anonymous]

OP should’ve known that they are two extremes, he is very close to his mom while she is distant from hers. If she accepted him as it is, it’s naive to think this will change. He is old enough to have two sour marriages, it’s too late to fix him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t now really call troll but this thread feels very trolly. I have never met a guy who really wants to include his mother n family vacations or days s SS marital issues with her. Get roped into bringing His mom because she manipulates or pushes and he’s used to giving in, sure but not his idea.

OP if your MIL is manipulative and your husband is used to giving into her to keep the peace then what is going on is she is bugging him about having a close relationship with you.

No one gets to demand a close relationship with anyone. Tell your husband no and honestly
I would offer to tell her no if he can’t.