DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

You're very aggressive and rude to OP, and you need to understand that you can't hold everyone to your own lofty standards of socialization. OP seems to be have another type of intelligence - she's a litigation attorney, for goodness' sakes! Can't you understand that someone who has that job might not be the best person to make small talk and fake interest in someone who is actively trying to insert themselves in her marriage?

You've also internalize a lot of misogyny, if you're capable of writing: "I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs." Every woman is different. Just because YOU are good at smoothing over communication problems doesn't mean it's the duty of all women. There are women doctors and women scientists and women lawyers and women CEOs who don't have time for that sh1t.
Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

You're very aggressive and rude to OP, and you need to understand that you can't hold everyone to your own lofty standards of socialization. OP seems to be have another type of intelligence - she's a litigation attorney, for goodness' sakes! Can't you understand that someone who has that job might not be the best person to make small talk and fake interest in someone who is actively trying to insert themselves in her marriage?

You've also internalize a lot of misogyny, if you're capable of writing: "I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs." Every woman is different. Just because YOU are good at smoothing over communication problems doesn't mean it's the duty of all women. There are women doctors and women scientists and women lawyers and women CEOs who don't have time for that sh1t.
Get over yourself.



Nowhere did OP say they were a woman, so your scolding post makes a lot of assumptions. The same advice about getting along to go along would apply to either gender. Having prickly relationships with inlaws when there are other options is a sign of emotional immaturity. Whether one is a hard charging litigation attorney or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

LOL. Someone who charges in here scolding OP for not wanting to be close to her meddling MIL, and calls THAT lack of social intelligence--the irony is too thick.

Just fyi, your condescension is a sign of low social intelligence.

[Anonymous]

How often does DH directly engage with your mom? How is his relationship with YOUR parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

You're very aggressive and rude to OP, and you need to understand that you can't hold everyone to your own lofty standards of socialization. OP seems to be have another type of intelligence - she's a litigation attorney, for goodness' sakes! Can't you understand that someone who has that job might not be the best person to make small talk and fake interest in someone who is actively trying to insert themselves in her marriage?

You've also internalize a lot of misogyny, if you're capable of writing: "I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs." Every woman is different. Just because YOU are good at smoothing over communication problems doesn't mean it's the duty of all women. There are women doctors and women scientists and women lawyers and women CEOs who don't have time for that sh1t.
Get over yourself.

You have a lot of misogyny too...to assume that women(or men) who have good relationship with their ILs do not have a high stress job that required multiple college degrees.

I think any intelligent woman - doctors, scientists, lawyers, engineers, professors, teachers, social workers, SAHMs - will want to not waste her time and energy by having an acrimonious relationship with ILs. She should be savvy enough to priortize what is truly important and have the social graces and tact to handle difficult people by managing interactions. If someone is a litigation lawyer and cannot handle a MIL...well, I have very low opinion of her skills to handle tough clients in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

NP. Your premise that every family acts the same way, that there's some standard of closeness that equals "normal," is rude. (And before you attack me, I am close with my parents.) There is no one way to "act like a family." My dad and his sister (who lives nearby) are both introverts, and don't call/see each other all that often. I think some people would say they don't "act like family" by some random standard. But my dad was there for her when her husband died and she needed him more often, and she has dropped everything to be there for my mom when she had a health situation and needed some help. So they are there when the chips are down, and that's family! I know some people who are the exact opposite, they chat all the time but when it comes to needing real help and favors, well somehow they don't materialize.

Regardless of OP's relationship with her own parents, she doesn't like her MIL and isn't comfortable being one on one with her. Which is FINE. If DH is so interested, he can set up get-togethers that don't involve MIL and his wife being alone together. I like my MIL, but I don't call her and most of our communication goes through DH. We don't hang out alone. And that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

Can you read? She does fake it. Her DH is pushing for a BFF relationship. So maybe work on your own low intelligence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just "mm-hm" and "sure" and then don't schedule anything. Nothing will happen, and you'll have your way.

+1 You also need to learn to put your mask of obliviousness on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Nowhere did OP say they were a woman, so your scolding post makes a lot of assumptions. The same advice about getting along to go along would apply to either gender. Having prickly relationships with inlaws when there are other options is a sign of emotional immaturity. Whether one is a hard charging litigation attorney or not.

Seems like it would also be someone of low intelligence who could not infer that the OP is a woman without being explicitly told. She talked about her husband, and his ex was a wife, so it seems reasonable to assume the OP is a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I agree with all of this. The responses to this are pretty typical of this board, which is full of people who think they shouldn’t have to extend any effort to be pleasant to the their spouse’s family and any spouse who talks to their parents about anything more than superficial issues is “enmeshed.”

I also question OP’s skills as a litigator if they can’t figure out how to interact one on one with someone just because they don’t have much in common. The “I can’t be bothered because I’m a high-powered litigator” vibes are strong; they can, they just don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I think you're ignoring what is the key component in my mind--that OP's husband is sharing information about their marriage, and the MIL takes it upon herself to weigh in. I agree that if it were just a matter of OP smiling, nodding, and being polite with someone she has little in common with, she should do it. But to do this with someone who is actively interfering in her marriage is another matter. OP has a DH problem and a MIL problem. Probably easier to tackle the DH problem--if OP can shut him down from sharing intimate details of their relationship with his mother, she'll be less annoying and OP can have a less fraught relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

You sound low-intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often does DH directly engage with your mom? How is his relationship with YOUR parents?

I don’t think this is relevant unless OP wants him to be closer to her parents and he refuses. (Yes, I’m playing the odds with DCUM genders and assuming OL is a woman, but if I’m wrong, the substance of my comment remains.)

[Anonymous]

I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough

Wow, how often do you see your own parents? Putting a limit/boundary on your DH"s mom visits to 4 days a year is very weird in my opinion. Do you have other vulnerability/boundary issues?