DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just "mm-hm" and "sure" and then don't schedule anything. Nothing will happen, and you'll have your way.

I am going to try this one!

[Anonymous]

Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

OP, don't open that door!

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I only listed I was a litigation attorney because it is an intense, time-consuming job. MIL will comment that we have house cleaners (she always scrubbed her own floors) and I don’t join her in the kitchen (her family had a home-cooked meal every night). Also, I feel resentful that my limited downtime should be spent sidestepping MILs questions and faking pleasantries. And yes - I fake pleasantries for my job, but I get paid in those scenarios.

I’m torn between my own wants and doing something for the sake of making DH happy. Thanks for the advice and perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

I agree with all of this. The responses to this are pretty typical of this board, which is full of people who think they shouldn’t have to extend any effort to be pleasant to the their spouse’s family and any spouse who talks to their parents about anything more than superficial issues is “enmeshed.”

I also question OP’s skills as a litigator if they can’t figure out how to interact one on one with someone just because they don’t have much in common. The “I can’t be bothered because I’m a high-powered litigator” vibes are strong; they can, they just don’t want to.

AND....drums... she doesn't want to!

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

And there's nothing wrong with that

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not close to anyone, are you? You find faults with your parents, his parents. Why'd you even get married, you clearly don't need people in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I only listed I was a litigation attorney because it is an intense, time-consuming job. MIL will comment that we have house cleaners (she always scrubbed her own floors) and I don’t join her in the kitchen (her family had a home-cooked meal every night). Also, I feel resentful that my limited downtime should be spent sidestepping MILs questions and faking pleasantries. And yes - I fake pleasantries for my job, but I get paid in those scenarios.

I’m torn between my own wants and doing something for the sake of making DH happy. Thanks for the advice and perspective.

Why fake? Why not try to get to know her, the person who raised your husband and obviously means a lot to him. Life is about connections.

Quite frankly, your "own wants" may leave you quite lonely in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

This is likely 3/4 of the problem. "Driven litigation attorneys" tend to be narcissistic and self-centered. You're probably a difficult person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?

You're very aggressive and rude to OP, and you need to understand that you can't hold everyone to your own lofty standards of socialization. OP seems to be have another type of intelligence - she's a litigation attorney, for goodness' sakes! Can't you understand that someone who has that job might not be the best person to make small talk and fake interest in someone who is actively trying to insert themselves in her marriage?

You've also internalize a lot of misogyny, if you're capable of writing: "I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs." Every woman is different. Just because YOU are good at smoothing over communication problems doesn't mean it's the duty of all women. There are women doctors and women scientists and women lawyers and women CEOs who don't have time for that sh1t.
Get over yourself.

Thank you. Poster like the one above don't have a clue what many women deal with but yet she's an expert at judging other women. I tend to find women like her are experts at not helping anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

This is likely 3/4 of the problem. "Driven litigation attorneys" tend to be narcissistic and self-centered. You're probably a difficult person, OP.

You need therapy. It's obvious who is narcissistic and self-centered here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

OP, don't open that door!

Yes, that is crazy. What is up with your dh? You need to talk and set limits now. Is he expecting her to move in with you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not close to anyone, are you? You find faults with your parents, his parents. Why'd you even get married, you clearly don't need people in your life.

Yes, she sounds a little cold. Limiting visits to four days a year is deeply unkind when your MIL is annoying but not horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not close to anyone, are you? You find faults with your parents, his parents. Why'd you even get married, you clearly don't need people in your life.

Yes, she sounds a little cold. Limiting visits to four days a year is deeply unkind when your MIL is annoying but not horrible.

Especially when DH values a relationship with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I only listed I was a litigation attorney because it is an intense, time-consuming job. MIL will comment that we have house cleaners (she always scrubbed her own floors) and I don’t join her in the kitchen (her family had a home-cooked meal every night). Also, I feel resentful that my limited downtime should be spent sidestepping MILs questions and faking pleasantries. And yes - I fake pleasantries for my job, but I get paid in those scenarios.

I’m torn between my own wants and doing something for the sake of making DH happy. Thanks for the advice and perspective.

If you can fake pleasantries for your job, you can do it from time to time for your husband. Just because you are comfortable with a very distant relationship with your own parents, doesn’t mean that is the type of dynamic that DH can expect for your interactions with his side of the family. OP there is give and take in marriage. Not everything is going to be determined by you. You need to meet somewhere in the middle - definitely not sharing family vacations and marital issues with MIL, but absolutely spending some time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I only listed I was a litigation attorney because it is an intense, time-consuming job. MIL will comment that we have house cleaners (she always scrubbed her own floors) and I don’t join her in the kitchen (her family had a home-cooked meal every night). Also, I feel resentful that my limited downtime should be spent sidestepping MILs questions and faking pleasantries. And yes - I fake pleasantries for my job, but I get paid in those scenarios.

I’m torn between my own wants and doing something for the sake of making DH happy. Thanks for the advice and perspective.

Since you are married, you need to take one for the team every so often. Play ncie with his mom. It will make his life a lot easier. That’s what spouses do.