DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

[Anonymous]

You are right. He’s quite enmeshed. Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

He's enmeshed & wants you to be too. Is he upset about his ex and mom being friends? Maybe he thinks if you befriend her she will drop the ex as a friend? What is his ethnic background?

[Anonymous]

You sound very cold, OP.

[Anonymous]

You just "mm-hm" and "sure" and then don't schedule anything. Nothing will happen, and you'll have your way.

[Anonymous]

Well unless you plan on getting divorced you are going to spend years and years with your MIL. After 4 years and seeing her a handful of times you have already decided that you don't like her and there is no way that can ever change? I guess good luck with that, but if I were you I would at least try to improve your relationship beyond cold politeness. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, but there is a vast middle ground here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well unless you plan on getting divorced you are going to spend years and years with your MIL. After 4 years and seeing her a handful of times you have already decided that you don't like her and there is no way that can ever change? I guess good luck with that, but if I were you I would at least try to improve your relationship beyond cold politeness. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, but there is a vast middle ground here.

Agree with this. Was it that bad what she did to you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well unless you plan on getting divorced you are going to spend years and years with your MIL. After 4 years and seeing her a handful of times you have already decided that you don't like her and there is no way that can ever change? I guess good luck with that, but if I were you I would at least try to improve your relationship beyond cold politeness. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, but there is a vast middle ground here.

Agree with this. You've basically taken a 'you're dead to me approach' with someone your husband loves and who you will likely know for years. Look for the good as best you can. She raised the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with, maybe start there. You don't need to be besties, but you can try to find a middle ground.

Also, you can have some control over who comes on vacations, but certainly he can discuss whatever he wants with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well unless you plan on getting divorced you are going to spend years and years with your MIL. After 4 years and seeing her a handful of times you have already decided that you don't like her and there is no way that can ever change? I guess good luck with that, but if I were you I would at least try to improve your relationship beyond cold politeness. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, but there is a vast middle ground here.

This.

[Anonymous]

He's enmeshed with his mom and wants to discuss their family issues with her? Major red flag.

Maybe OP is more distant than most DILs, maybe she has good reasons, but regardless, one can't force a close relationship between their spouse and parent.

some of the responses are bananas.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

I’ll ask again. Why did you marry him. You have a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike. I’ll think of some neutral topics we can discuss before she arrives. I’m a driven litigation attorney that loves college sports and hates/never cooks. It feels so strained to find something to talk about. MIL likes to ask questions about DH, and I feel so awkward answering. Maybe nature and travel. No politics or current events (she’s very republican, DH is a moderate republican, and I lean left). She likes to discuss how Biden is ruining the country. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

In the past DH would tell MIL stuff about our relationship and then she’d call me and ask about it (fights we’d get in - how expensive of a house we should buy, whether we should get a dog). To me it’s like she’s trying to find a way to maneuver a seat in our marriage. I told DH to stop telling her about our fights. MIL is a therapist and has this advice giving role for DH. I think he misses that, and I’m the bad guy for not wanting to jump in a share all our issues with her.

It's early days yet, OP, and you have to understand it will take a while for your husband to gradually wean himself off his mother's advisory role. He needs to start now, obviously, but it's hard. If you can talk to him in those terms, and explain that the married couple relationship takes precedence over the previous parent-child relationship, he will eventually understand. You have to insist that it's a recipe for more conflict to have a third party, however well qualified, insert themselves with opinions. What he's doing is triangulation, and it's sabotage. Tell him this needs to be fixed ASAP, because soon children will be in the picture and conflicts will get 10 times worse, since everyone will have strong opinions about how to raise them.

I was quite enmeshed with my mother, and it took a few years to let that relationship go and understand that the marriage comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well unless you plan on getting divorced you are going to spend years and years with your MIL. After 4 years and seeing her a handful of times you have already decided that you don't like her and there is no way that can ever change? I guess good luck with that, but if I were you I would at least try to improve your relationship beyond cold politeness. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, but there is a vast middle ground here.

Agree with this. Was it that bad what she did to you OP?

+3. Find the middle ground, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I find it a sign of low intelligence in women who cannot fake a good relationship with their ILs. For me it shows lack of social intelligence.

Unless they are drug abusing, sexual deviant pedophiles, violent cult members who are basically felons...who you must absolutely avoid...I think that any DIL can basically have a superficially warm relationship with any kind of ILs (if you are not permanently living with them), which can be polite, drama-free and appropriate.

DH and I, often go to visit my ILs, which is usually a 4-5 hour visit. A lot of the visit goes in being busy and helping with food and clean-up. I will go and ask each family member how they are doing and a lot of "mmmhmmms", "oh dear", "that's great" kind of non-committal replies later I am done. I refuse to take offence if they say something sort-of rude and usually laugh it off and deflect. My ILs, who were at one time against my marriage to their son, love me now. DH is amazed that I can be so social and nice to them and an IL visit is not a source of stress for me.

In reality, my ILs do not want a deep emotional connection with me. They just want a normal social connection with me. They want to have a deeper and closer relationship with the son and grandkids. I let all of these things happen because I don't have to be a package deal with their son and grandkids.

Just behave like a good guest when you visit them, make small talks, help out, keep busy...there is hardly any time and energy left for taking offense. Y'all can't do that? How are you surviving in the work place or the neighborhood?