DH pushing me to be closer with MIL

[Anonymous]

Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

I sort of disagree. I think in an ideal world, we’d all have close ties to our ILs and think of them as family. Of course, we don’t live in an ideal world, and some people have awful ILs. Just disagree with the sentiment that ideally we just need polite but distant relationships with ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

OP’s husband asked for more time with MIL not one on one time.

It's not just more time with MIL, it's more time one-on-one and closer. In her posts, OP has said:

"DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship"
"I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike."

I didn’t read either of those or her original post as saying DH is insisting on one-on-one time - which I absolutely think OP can fairly decline. You can develop a closer relationship in group situations and it sounds like DH would be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

This actually happened with my father and my DH. My father liked to fish - had a boat in Florida where he wintered and one in Indiana where he spent the rest of his time. My sister's DH loves to fish and he and our father spent a lot of time on the boats. My DH was invited and my father would have loved for him to come but I didn't push my DH to do it. I respected that my DH wasn't interested and my father didn't take it personally. My DH never spent 1:1 time with my father unless they were doing work around the house. They're both handy and when a task needed to be done, they had no problem working on it together. The focus was on the task and any conversations they had were superficial (sports, the best way to level something, etc.). It was enough for my father that my DH was a good partner and good father.

Oh, and when my father died, my sister's DH got both boats. DH and I were happy for him to get them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

I sort of disagree. I think in an ideal world, we’d all have close ties to our ILs and think of them as family. Of course, we don’t live in an ideal world, and some people have awful ILs. Just disagree with the sentiment that ideally we just need polite but distant relationships with ILs

Just because someone isn't 'close' to another doesn't mean the relationship is 'distant'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

OP’s husband asked for more time with MIL not one on one time.

It's not just more time with MIL, it's more time one-on-one and closer. In her posts, OP has said:

"DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship"
"I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike."

I didn’t read either of those or her original post as saying DH is insisting on one-on-one time - which I absolutely think OP can fairly decline. You can develop a closer relationship in group situations and it sounds like DH would be ok with that.

<smh> If OP's DH wasn't insisting OP have one-on-one time with his mother, why would OP state that she can handle the group situations but not the one-on-one? If her DH wasn't pushing for it, OP wouldn't be posting about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

OP’s husband asked for more time with MIL not one on one time.

It's not just more time with MIL, it's more time one-on-one and closer. In her posts, OP has said:

"DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship"
"I can handle the group situations, it’s the one-on-one stuff that I really dislike."

I didn’t read either of those or her original post as saying DH is insisting on one-on-one time - which I absolutely think OP can fairly decline. You can develop a closer relationship in group situations and it sounds like DH would be ok with that.

<smh> If OP's DH wasn't insisting OP have one-on-one time with his mother, why would OP state that she can handle the group situations but not the one-on-one? If her DH wasn't pushing for it, OP wouldn't be posting about it.

Because he is looking for more than the “one or two weekend visits” that OP thinks is sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just fake it, OP. That’s what I do. I dislike my MIL, she was awful to me when my husband and I were dating and was visibly upset when we got engaged. But now that he and I are married with kids, I maintain a superficial but friendly relationship with her. I talk to her about neutral topics - the kids’ interests, the weather, local restaurants, her crafting hobby etc. It really doesn’t matter that I have no interest in talking to her at all. The kids love her and it makes my husband happy. It costs me nothing, keeps the peace, and ensures for low stress visits.

She does occasionally try to do things like offer unsolicited advice or talk politics (she is also a conservative and I am not). I gray rock in response - “hmm, I’ll have to think about it / that’s interesting” etc. She will never get an argument from me because honestly I just don’t care what she thinks.

I love your philosophy. You're putting your kids and your husband ahead of you, and it costs you nothing. Well done! Your husband made a great choice when he married you, and I bet he knows it. I hope he does the same for you!

I think that only people who are secure in themselves and their sense of self worth are able to do what you're suggesting though. So that may count out a lot of people in this forum, lol.

I think this is a horrible philosophy and perpetuates the misogynistic/patriarchal view that women should sacrifice for their husbands and children first. That pressures women to ignore their own needs. It's unhealthy and imbalanced.

The biggest issue I have with many of the responses on this thread is the expectation of emotional closeness with ILs. The expectation should be one of civility and politeness. If more comes of it, fine, but the social contract doesn't require OP to spend time one-on-one with her MIL.

??? If her husband does the same thing, then how on earth is that misogynistic and patriarchal? Think before you type. Some of you are so self-absorbed that you don't understand that a marriage is a two-way street. If both parties are sacrificing for the other, then they both win.

A woman who consistently puts her own needs first, consistently ahead of those of her children or spouse, isn't a good mom or wife. Those are the characteristics of narcissists and their habits of behavior are incompatible with the act of being good parents.

Just stop it.
"oxygen mask on yourself first"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

This PP nailed it. OP also sounds very arrogant and condescending, comes across as very unpleasant in her posts. Who exactly is controlling? Hmm.

Have you ever thought that your understanding and view of what families should like is not the standard for everyone? Families, like people, come in all kinds of forms and shapes, and there is nothing wrong with that. Back off. Op is fine: she is courteous and respectful - that's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2. MIL lives out of state and we don’t see her much. Especially with COVID restrictions the last few years. I don’t like MIL due to some things she did to me (lied) and how she interacts with DH (enmeshed).

This situation mostly works for me because I rarely have to see or interact with her. We have groups calls on holidays and text on birthdays. This works for me. MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and DH is pushing me to spend more time with her and develop a closer relationship. I don’t want this at all. I’ll be polite and friendly, I just don’t like her. Independent of DH, I’d never interact with her.

DH’s ex wife is very close with MIL. I don’t mind this relationship, as it has nothing to do with me or my marriage. They still get together frequently and talk weekly. I think that type of relationship is what DH envisioned for MIL and I.

How do I convey gently to DH that I’m not interested in this at all? I’ve pointed out that DH doesn’t call my parents. And that I’m not that close with my parents. I think one-two weekend visits a year are enough. He wants to include her on family vacations and discuss our family issues with her.

This is the most important part of your whole post. You don't understand "family" because you don't act like a family with your parents. Explain that to your husband.

This PP nailed it. OP also sounds very arrogant and condescending, comes across as very unpleasant in her posts. Who exactly is controlling? Hmm.

I bet OP is one of those women that struggles with female relationships in general. Although I'm sure she'll be back to say that she has tons of long term female friends. Yep, sure.

And, what's your point if even that's true? She came with a specific question here.
Good job with that judgement though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

This actually happened with my father and my DH. My father liked to fish - had a boat in Florida where he wintered and one in Indiana where he spent the rest of his time. My sister's DH loves to fish and he and our father spent a lot of time on the boats. My DH was invited and my father would have loved for him to come but I didn't push my DH to do it. I respected that my DH wasn't interested and my father didn't take it personally. My DH never spent 1:1 time with my father unless they were doing work around the house. They're both handy and when a task needed to be done, they had no problem working on it together. The focus was on the task and any conversations they had were superficial (sports, the best way to level something, etc.). It was enough for my father that my DH was a good partner and good father.

Oh, and when my father died, my sister's DH got both boats. DH and I were happy for him to get them.

PP, you and your family sound very sane and civil! Thank you, you are giving me hope in DCUM and humanity in general, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

[Anonymous]

OP you're fine as you are. You're doing nothing wrong and having a closer relationship forced you sounds horrible.

You basically have a man baby for a husband whose first desire is to please his mother.

THat's probably why he's on marriage 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the tables were turned... Let's say my dad likes to go fishing and keeps hinting that he wants my husband to come. My husband has no interest in this. I ask him to take one for the team to make my dad happy and thus make me happy. He says he will not perform emotional labor because he dislikes my (perfectly civil) father. What say you DCUM?

He should go at least once and if he doesn’t like it, pass going forward saying something friendly like “tried it, not for me, let’s all go out for Mexican instead next month”. Or at the very least, go fishing with dad and me, not just the two of them, again trying it just once.

That would be fine if your DH hasn't been fishing before. We should all be open to trying something new. But, if your DH has been fishing before and doesn't want to spend that kind of time with your father, why should he have to? To paraphrase a PP, why isn't it enough that your DH is a good partner to you?

I guess that's a good question (I'm the PP with the fishing idea.) In my family of origin it is decidedly NOT enough for any married-in member, male or female, to be a good partner. They are expected to be warm-and-fuzzy with the entire clan. I suppose we are all enmeshed with each other. My husband is a more closed-off person and they all think he is rigid and icy, even though he is a good husband and father. The pressure seems to be even higher on women.