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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage?  Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue.  He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time.  I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children.  Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.  [/quote]

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.[/quote]

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown. [/quote]

I’m very gracious to them. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, why it would be hard to have them there 24-7. They have the run of the house, I don’t ask them to do anything, etc. What I am saying is if you are the mom, you can boss them around and hopefully have them be less annoying. For ex, kid gets up from table and heads to room. Mom can say, “Don’t leave your dishes on the table! put them in the dishwasher.” Stepmom just has to smile and clean up after the kids. Another example, kid tracks in mud. Mom can say, “Honey, remember to take off your shoes!” Stepmom says nothing, smiles and says hello to kid, cleans up the mess, then goes to husband and asks him to remind kids to take off shoes if they are muddy. Husband likely does nothing.

I can do that fifty fifty, but not 100 hundred percent of the time.

It’s just nice to know the schedule. We actually don’t switch it much. Both the parents and the kids like sticking to the schedule. It lends a feeling of stability and predictability. I know a lot of divorced parents who don’t like to vary from the schedule. His feelings are not invalid. Plenty of bio parents feel the same way.[/quote]

It sounds like you have a husband problem and you have married someone whose parenting you disagree with.  Why did you do that?[/quote]

Exactly.[/quote]

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