Husband doesn't believe his behavior is abusive - won't seek help.

[Anonymous]

My dad was like this my entire childhood. My parents divorced when I was in college and my main response was to wish they had done it way earlier so I could have had at least one calm home to grow up in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an a&&hole. Is this new behavior, or has he always been like this? If he doesn't seek help I'd consider leaving him. This seems like potential dealbreaker behavior to me.

It started after we had kids. I'm kicking myself for not realizing his selfish tendencies before having kids. Or maybe looking back I saw them and thought he'd be different with kids. I'm not sure. He's an only child and has always been very much 'my way only' on how to do things. He likes to call it his OCD but his parents had him evaluated and he was never diagnosed. I'm a very laid back person so I went with his flow prior to kids. It's like he's not realized that with kids, things don't revolve around you anymore and what you want right then.

I also think he's learned the silent treatment behavior from his dad. I've been present when his mom and dad were fighting and that's what his dad does. Since it seems learned, I don't want my kids learning that it's an appropriate way to behave. I also don't want them learning that it's an appropriate behavior to put up with from a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any opinions on whether your DH is emotionally abusive or not. But I am not clear what you were trying to do by showing him articles online to "prove" that he is abusive. Were you trying to shame him into better behavior? That's unlikely to work.
I can tell that you have contempt for your DH, which is a clear sign the marriage is over and you no longer love him.

It was to try to help him understand that what he does is a form of abuse. He doesn't understand why when he says mean or inappropriate comments that it upsets the kids. He says he's not responsible for managing their feelings and emotions.

I thought that if he saw the evidence and facts, he'd be open to change and going to therapy. Either solo or couples therapy. He's not, though.

I love him but I'm no longer in love with him as I used to be.

[Anonymous]

The silent treatment would be better than his flippant remarks about being homeless. Please, darling husband, do us all a favor and SHUTUP!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your child is being primed to develop an anxiety disorder...if she does not already have one.

Please remove her from this environment.

And yes, therapy is a good idea, because you married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

You are the one who can help-sorry.

1)Don't ask DH to risk his livelihood during a mission critical sprint during an eval. Have him give his boss two weeks notice to take a vacation day to attend his daughter's practice. Long term:since youngest is older than three, get a career higher paying than DH, so he can relax and spend time with kids. Set up evening practices/recitals/games so he can attend. Teach daughter not to pester with "Are you sure you can't" after polite refusal.

2)Cold causes people severely painful cramps and muscle spasms that can last weeks without bruising massage. Prep a room with a space heater and put him there. Ask him if you can circulate the rest of the house by putting a box fan in the window and turning off the heat, just from 2-4pm. Long term, give him a heads up and send him to the gym sauna or get and electric blanket as well. Explain to kids adult sometimes do an intermittent fast and the kindness that he is willing to move for his issue even though he is paying for the housing for you three.

3)People get irritable bowel and also overfull. If he is strongly craving cabbage and is getting weak, he doesn't want to overfill on bread to the point he'll vomit or diarrhea if he then eats the cabbage. Weakness and vomiting is putting him between a rock and hard place. Ask him if you can bring water or electrolytes. Also ask him if there is anything you can bring him.

Try this and see if he is better. Sorry you are going through this but he isn't abusive.

[Anonymous]

A different perspective. Had your husband had a physical lately? A lot of guys don't do doctors and they can miss things that cause difficult behavior. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I was very healthy and didn't want to spend the money, even for just copays and just didn't go to the doctor. In my 40's I had to go to the doctor, and found that like my dad, I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. And it caused me to be more temperamental and sometimes boorish behavior. After being diagnosed and getting on regular blood pressure and cholesterol medication, I calmed down and was more relaxed and stopped having some of the outbursts.

Another issue is sleep. I know some people (not just guys) whose behavior becomes more difficult when they are not sleeping well.

So, if he has not done so recently, your husband should have a physical to make sure that there isn't some biochemical issue that is causing his bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

He understands his behavior. He just doesn't care. Only child syndrome. NOTHING you say or do will change him. Plus he's a damn bully to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any opinions on whether your DH is emotionally abusive or not. But I am not clear what you were trying to do by showing him articles online to "prove" that he is abusive. Were you trying to shame him into better behavior? That's unlikely to work.
I can tell that you have contempt for your DH, which is a clear sign the marriage is over and you no longer love him.

It was to try to help him understand that what he does is a form of abuse. He doesn't understand why when he says mean or inappropriate comments that it upsets the kids. He says he's not responsible for managing their feelings and emotions.

I thought that if he saw the evidence and facts, he'd be open to change and going to therapy. Either solo or couples therapy. He's not, though.

I love him but I'm no longer in love with him as I used to be.

You probably hurt his pride because that is not how he sees himself. Again, I am not saying you are wrong, but you are not taking action in such a way to get the outcome you want. Maybe he is a jerk and this is unsalvageable. But if you want to salvage this, you need to take a different course of action. I would start with going to marriage therapy by yourself. Tell him you are open to him coming, but if not then you will go alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

You seem really incapable of reading comprehension.

The problem wasn't the closing of windows. The problem was the slamming them shut and then threatening to move out of the house in front of a little kid, who clearly took it seriously.

You seem intent on indulging the children (tweens, not “little kids”) in the same catastrophizing they have learned from their mother, whereas the father is not. It’s a wreck on all sides.

Wait how are a 10 and 7 year old tweens??? 7 year olds are in 1st/2nd grade, 10 year olds are in 4th/5th. I really don’t think tween starts til about age 11. Anyway. Their kids are young. OP is not “indulging” them in catastrophizing here. She’s validating their normal emotional reactions to being manipulated and shamed (also known as emotional abuse) by their father. She’s being supportive toward them when they rightfully feel undermined and shamed by their other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve respect and care. Your kids deserve respect and care. Your DH is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you and your kids. You need sole custody otherwise he's going to be alone with the kids.

Disagree. I would call his behavior dysfunctional, immature... but not *abusive*. That's dramatic and potentially manipulative. She'd harm her kids more than he has ever done by tearing the family apart. And honestly, it's ALSO gaslighting to call someone's behavior "abusive" when it isn't clearly so, and not listen to their explanations of why they disagree.

The actual definition of emotional abuse is “using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate a person.” That sounds like exactly what OP’s husband is doing. Trying to make his family members feel shame or blame or to manipulate them in all the examples OP gave.

I don't see abuse, maybe just not realizing that kids are taking everything he is saying literally, when in reality he is just mad and saying things in the heat of the moment that he doesn't actually mean. It sounds like he has a good work ethic, and I don't see why he has to attend his DD's practice. Many parents can't attend things because of work, and his stance is entirely reasonable. What might not be reasonable is the pressure that OP puts on her husband to skip out on work to watch a sports practice. And I can't believe OP is complaining about one time months ago when one person is hot and one is cold and opening closing windows, good grief, just let it go. You don't have to open every window in the house when you want fresh air, and OP can also run it by her husband first. Brrr... I would not want the windows open in Feb either. Really, people are allowed to get mad. I think OP is overly sensitive and controlling, and could stand some individual therapy, or a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wait how are a 10 and 7 year old tweens??? 7 year olds are in 1st/2nd grade, 10 year olds are in 4th/5th. I really don’t think tween starts til about age 11. Anyway. Their kids are young. OP is not “indulging” them in catastrophizing here. She’s validating their normal emotional reactions to being manipulated and shamed (also known as emotional abuse) by their father. She’s being supportive toward them when they rightfully feel undermined and shamed by their other parent.

DP. Her kids get upset because he has a craving and skips the family meal. No, she needs to not blame her husband and explain to her kids older adults sometimes get irritable bowel, cravings, smell aversions, blood sugar issues, etc. Kids need to learn if they go to a party and one person uses the restroom instead of eating, not to make a scene. Yes, grade school 7 ( and cusp of tween 10y.o.) is old enough to learn this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

You are the one who can help-sorry.

1)Don't ask DH to risk his livelihood during a mission critical sprint during an eval. Have him give his boss two weeks notice to take a vacation day to attend his daughter's practice. Long term:since youngest is older than three, get a career higher paying than DH, so he can relax and spend time with kids. Set up evening practices/recitals/games so he can attend. Teach daughter not to pester with "Are you sure you can't" after polite refusal.

2)Cold causes people severely painful cramps and muscle spasms that can last weeks without bruising massage. Prep a room with a space heater and put him there. Ask him if you can circulate the rest of the house by putting a box fan in the window and turning off the heat, just from 2-4pm. Long term, give him a heads up and send him to the gym sauna or get and electric blanket as well. Explain to kids adult sometimes do an intermittent fast and the kindness that he is willing to move for his issue even though he is paying for the housing for you three.

3)People get irritable bowel and also overfull. If he is strongly craving cabbage and is getting weak, he doesn't want to overfill on bread to the point he'll vomit or diarrhea if he then eats the cabbage. Weakness and vomiting is putting him between a rock and hard place. Ask him if you can bring water or electrolytes. Also ask him if there is anything you can bring him.

Try this and see if he is better. Sorry you are going through this but he isn't abusive.

OMG are you serious? This is how you manage a child with certain disabilities, not a spouse. And you are completely missing the point - this issue isn't him attending the recital or closing the windows -- the issue is HOW responded to them, threatening homelessness, creating terrified children, being shamed for totally normal requests.

This is very much abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait how are a 10 and 7 year old tweens??? 7 year olds are in 1st/2nd grade, 10 year olds are in 4th/5th. I really don’t think tween starts til about age 11. Anyway. Their kids are young. OP is not “indulging” them in catastrophizing here. She’s validating their normal emotional reactions to being manipulated and shamed (also known as emotional abuse) by their father. She’s being supportive toward them when they rightfully feel undermined and shamed by their other parent.

DP. Her kids get upset because he has a craving and skips the family meal. No, she needs to not blame her husband and explain to her kids older adults sometimes get irritable bowel, cravings, smell aversions, blood sugar issues, etc. Kids need to learn if they go to a party and one person uses the restroom instead of eating, not to make a scene. Yes, grade school 7 ( and cusp of tween 10y.o.) is old enough to learn this.

PP, its clear English is not your first language, so I assume your reading comprehension and writing fluency are about the same. Which is to say, go back and reread the OP's post. You are missing many facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP, its clear English is not your first language, so I assume your reading comprehension and writing fluency are about the same. Which is to say, go back and reread the OP's post. You are missing many facts.

Bigot much?