Husband doesn't believe his behavior is abusive - won't seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Wow you really don’t understand what emotional abuse is…maybe go read about it. It’s not at all the same as you just going around shutting windows on a cold day. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how OP’s husband is trying to undermine his kids’ sense of safety and well being by making them fear he’ll lose his job and they’ll be homeless. If you think they’re overreacting then you’ve never witnessed or experienced someone you care deeply about showing such contempt and disregard for you like OP and her kids clearly have. Lucky you.

I stand by what I said: using this standard, OP's DH could describe the exact same events and you would call OP abusive from his POV as long as he flipped the genders.

I feel sorry for you that you don’t have the capacity to understand this or care enough to learn more about it.

You're attempting to use your emotions to manipulate me and invalidate my perspective. Gaslighting.

I’m not going to engage w you any more since you clearly have no desire to learn. I lived emotional abuse for years and what OP described is exactly that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any opinions on whether your DH is emotionally abusive or not. But I am not clear what you were trying to do by showing him articles online to "prove" that he is abusive. Were you trying to shame him into better behavior? That's unlikely to work.
I can tell that you have contempt for your DH, which is a clear sign the marriage is over and you no longer love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

I generally agree. But I also get the sense OP is very antagonistic , provokes and then hides her hands. I also get the sense she does a lot of coddling of the kids and has them guilt trip dad.

It's a bad dynamic and both op and her husband need to grow up wether they divorce or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

You seem really incapable of reading comprehension.

The problem wasn't the closing of windows. The problem was the slamming them shut and then threatening to move out of the house in front of a little kid, who clearly took it seriously.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I can’t tell if he’s truly all at fault here for being a jerk or if their reactions are completely over the top about comments he thinks are funny and/or innocuous.

Also, do you work? You’re acting like your husband purposely misses your DD’s practices or something. There’s just so much resentment here clearly that again, it’s hard to tell if this is unbiased or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

You seem really incapable of reading comprehension.

The problem wasn't the closing of windows. The problem was the slamming them shut and then threatening to move out of the house in front of a little kid, who clearly took it seriously.

You seem intent on indulging the children (tweens, not “little kids”) in the same catastrophizing they have learned from their mother, whereas the father is not. It’s a wreck on all sides.

[Anonymous]

This is a dysfunctional family. I don't know if the mother is contributing to the disfunction but the father certainly is.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the one living this, not us. You don’t need anyone here to tell you his behavior is abusive, and shouldn’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you should continue to tolerate abusive behavior.

Your husband has no intention of changing, and his behavior will likely get worse and your child get older and he has less control over them. It is time to get out. PP’s suggestion of talking to a lawyer to understand how to protect yourself legally for he divorce and a therapist to help you make a safe exit plan and put supports in place for you and your kids after you leave him is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

You seem really incapable of reading comprehension.

The problem wasn't the closing of windows. The problem was the slamming them shut and then threatening to move out of the house in front of a little kid, who clearly took it seriously.

You seem intent on indulging the children (tweens, not “little kids”) in the same catastrophizing they have learned from their mother, whereas the father is not. It’s a wreck on all sides.

DP. A 7 yo is not a tween.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a dysfunctional family. I don't know if the mother is contributing to the disfunction but the father certainly is.

This. The entire dynamic is dysfunctional. Family therapy before you both mess up your kids even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

It's almost like you didn't read the OP's post or your are intentionally ignoring all the other words used by the OP's husband in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the one living this, not us. You don’t need anyone here to tell you his behavior is abusive, and shouldn’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you should continue to tolerate abusive behavior.

Your husband has no intention of changing, and his behavior will likely get worse and your child get older and he has less control over them. It is time to get out. PP’s suggestion of talking to a lawyer to understand how to protect yourself legally for he divorce and a therapist to help you make a safe exit plan and put supports in place for you and your kids after you leave him is exactly right.

+1. OP, don't listen to the people minimizing this. I kind of had a pit in my stomach reading this because it's so familiar.

Currently, the kids and I live separately from their father (not a legal separation, just circumstance) and it's so nice to not come home and walk on eggshells all the time. Both my kids have anxiety and my older one has some very specific anxieties and issues with her father related to incidents exactly like this.

I don't know if I'd recommend divorce. Probably, because the refusing to recognize the effect these catastrophic scenarios have on the kids is not a great sign or even a normal reaction. Of course a child is going to be disappointed that her dad can't be at a practice she thought he'd be able to make - the normal adult response would be to empathize with the kid about her disappointment and talk about how they will spend time together doing X thing, not dramatically saying if he doesn't work because of HER PRACTICE they will be homeless. And slamming windows and talking about sleeping in a bus shelter is not a normal reaction to being cold. It's also not normal to watch your kids dissolve in tears after something you've said and not think a thing about it.

I would recommend therapy for you to figure out what you want and possibly a last ditch effort to convince your husband to grow up.

I wish I had divorced when my oldest child was a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully it's just one really stupid person on this thread. This is clearly abuse, and your kids would be much better off if you divorce, OP.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of what you do with your (therapy, divorce etc) make sure to protect your kids first and foremost. When he says something scary and emotionally manipulative, tell him in front of the kids that he is being mean and what he is saying is not true. Talk with your kids, tell them honestly that dad is saying things that are not true because he is angry and stressed and that you will always be there to take care of them and protect them. They need to know that you are there for them and that their dad is throwing a tantrum in these moments and that he is not being fair to them.

[Anonymous]

He's telling you he wants to live alone. No amount of articles will change him. The day he made the kids cry would have been the last day living in the house.
His behavior IS abusive. How can you tell for sure ? I didn't read he offered an apology. That alone screams this isn't over.
Time to make a separation plan. This situation will not right itself. When you have to show someone how they behave and they still don't get it, they gotta go. Give him what he wants and you concentrate on the kids. They deserve to have a calm loving house.