Husband doesn't believe his behavior is abusive - won't seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Abuser Logic 101: it’s fine to tell your loving seven year old that her yammering excitement for daddy is going to get him canned and the whole family thrown out on the street, because it provides her with an explanation. It’s a teachable moment for DD, so it’s all good.

Maybe your husband has been provided many privileges, but my coworkers of color have been canned for having a pulse. There is even a post in the jobs forum about retaining the white males. I'm glad you have never had a father/husband/wife/breadwinner lose their job but it isn't always easy. OP didn't say what her parents' contribution to the rainy day fund was, nor did she mention a vacation/second home they could use should her husband lose her job. Read the post in this forum on contagious divorce about the executive losing his job and how it tore their family including kids apart. Yes, people moving into shelters in bad economies is REAL. OPs husband is a realist and she is a bully.

Is taking a 90 minute break while working from home in order to attend your kid’s practice one time really likely to result in the family becoming homeless? The appropriate response is something like, “I wish I could go to your practice. That would be a lot more fun than what I’m doing, but I have work that has to be done this afternoon. Even though I’m at home, this is still part of the work day. I have to get my work done because that is how we get the money to pay for everything we need. After dinner you can show me what you worked on at practice today, okay?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.

Borderline personality disorder. Look it up. The OP's DH plays a good victim but is so crazy dramatic. I'm a woman who runs cold too but man, I don't go around making stupid threats.

Oh, pulease people. Can't you see that OP is a narc? Her description of her kids reaction and how she swoops in to save them is the tipoff. Case in point:

"DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless...
I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later."

Lol

Ding ding ding this person above got it right. He has a personality disorder and therapy will not likely help him.

The things this POS are doing and saying are abusive and this is just one little post. Imagine all the other shit he does not in this little post.

It's king of amazing how people will sit and say his behavior is not abusive when it is horrible. Get this little girl outta there so she does not grow up and think it's okay to have someone talk to her like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

You are the one who can help-sorry.

1)Don't ask DH to risk his livelihood during a mission critical sprint during an eval. Have him give his boss two weeks notice to take a vacation day to attend his daughter's practice. Long term:since youngest is older than three, get a career higher paying than DH, so he can relax and spend time with kids. Set up evening practices/recitals/games so he can attend. Teach daughter not to pester with "Are you sure you can't" after polite refusal.

2)Cold causes people severely painful cramps and muscle spasms that can last weeks without bruising massage. Prep a room with a space heater and put him there. Ask him if you can circulate the rest of the house by putting a box fan in the window and turning off the heat, just from 2-4pm. Long term, give him a heads up and send him to the gym sauna or get and electric blanket as well. Explain to kids adult sometimes do an intermittent fast and the kindness that he is willing to move for his issue even though he is paying for the housing for you three.

3)People get irritable bowel and also overfull. If he is strongly craving cabbage and is getting weak, he doesn't want to overfill on bread to the point he'll vomit or diarrhea if he then eats the cabbage. Weakness and vomiting is putting him between a rock and hard place. Ask him if you can bring water or electrolytes. Also ask him if there is anything you can bring him.

Try this and see if he is better. Sorry you are going through this but he isn't abusive.

This advice is so bad it's humorous.

NP here. I just assumed it was either sarcasm or possibly a form of performance art.

I thought it was Word Salad. Which is a technique some manipulators use to confuse the other person so much they just stop asking pesky questions, like what happened to the money in the account, where were you last night, why are you behaving like this, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve respect and care. Your kids deserve respect and care. Your DH is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you and your kids. You need sole custody otherwise he's going to be alone with the kids.

Disagree. I would call his behavior dysfunctional, immature... but not *abusive*. That's dramatic and potentially manipulative. She'd harm her kids more than he has ever done by tearing the family apart. And honestly, it's ALSO gaslighting to call someone's behavior "abusive" when it isn't clearly so, and not listen to their explanations of why they disagree.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

I generally agree. But I also get the sense OP is very antagonistic , provokes and then hides her hands. I also get the sense she does a lot of coddling of the kids and has them guilt trip dad.

It's a bad dynamic and both op and her husband need to grow up wether they divorce or not

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend you start to keep a running log of incidents on your phone in a locked note.
It is easy to forget what happens as your brain works to protect you from the trauma.
Put the date/time and what happened.
Speaking from experience.
I left. My children did not want to go back even tho they love their father.

+1. I also had an aha moment after my first (and now only given my circumstances) was born. I try to be as specific as possible and then relay the episode to my therapist. It's helpful, but I am not very hopeful things will improve.

[Anonymous]

Also, it's really quite shocking to comb through all of the accumulating examples. Like the other post said, your brain really does work to forget them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a 90 minute break while working from home in order to attend your kid’s practice one time really likely to result in the family becoming homeless? The appropriate response is something like, “I wish I could go to your practice. That would be a lot more fun than what I’m doing, but I have work that has to be done this afternoon. Even though I’m at home, this is still part of the work day. I have to get my work done because that is how we get the money to pay for everything we need. After dinner you can show me what you worked on at practice today, okay?”

Sounds like his initial response was along these lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a 90 minute break while working from home in order to attend your kid’s practice one time really likely to result in the family becoming homeless? The appropriate response is something like, “I wish I could go to your practice. That would be a lot more fun than what I’m doing, but I have work that has to be done this afternoon. Even though I’m at home, this is still part of the work day. I have to get my work done because that is how we get the money to pay for everything we need. After dinner you can show me what you worked on at practice today, okay?”

Sounds like his initial response was along these lines.

The only detail he added was the homeless remark, which OP would have us believe scarred her DD, forcing OP to intervene.

[Anonymous]

While none of the examples she give constitute abuse, OP refers to kids as Dear Daughter or Dear Son, but to spouse merely as Husband, not the customary DH (Dear Husband). She refuses to do the hard parenting of correcting her kids and explaining why their behavior is inappropriate. Even though he is already willing to move out while paying for her housing, she wants him to be even more submissive. OP, what's really going on? Did your parents divorce? Did you marry for having kids? Are you fantasizing about a hot step-dad for kiddos?

[Anonymous]

He will always do the opposite of everyone else, while guilt tripping and punishing the whole family. It will only get worse.
Maybe he should live alone, but unfortunately he won't change a bit until he's fully divorced.

[Anonymous]

This is ABSOLUTELY emotionally abusive behavior. It made me feel dread just reading it. My ex was like this. Counseling did not work for us.

I would say divorce is necessary. It's very unfortunate, because you will likely have to share custody with him and I know that is scary when you aren't always there to be a buffer between the kids and their father.

I think it's preferable that you and kids have a peaceful home at least part time. And likely because of your spouse's work schedule, you would get evenings/bedtime with them quite often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a 90 minute break while working from home in order to attend your kid’s practice one time really likely to result in the family becoming homeless? The appropriate response is something like, “I wish I could go to your practice. That would be a lot more fun than what I’m doing, but I have work that has to be done this afternoon. Even though I’m at home, this is still part of the work day. I have to get my work done because that is how we get the money to pay for everything we need. After dinner you can show me what you worked on at practice today, okay?”

Sounds like his initial response was along these lines.

No it doesn't. And even if it did, turning nasty on a little kid that wants the pleasure of your time is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ABSOLUTELY emotionally abusive behavior. It made me feel dread just reading it. My ex was like this. Counseling did not work for us.

I would say divorce is necessary. It's very unfortunate, because you will likely have to share custody with him and I know that is scary when you aren't always there to be a buffer between the kids and their father.

I think it's preferable that you and kids have a peaceful home at least part time. And likely because of your spouse's work schedule, you would get evenings/bedtime with them quite often.

Yes I already hate him for saying these things to a small kid. Get the divorce papers to him at work so the kids don't see and also have the person bring his ass a sleeping bag so he can stay at the bus shelter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

He sounds like an immature ass and a terrible dad, but I wouldn't call these examples abusive.

I also wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Behavior doesn't have to be abuse to be unacceptable.

A lot of people don’t understand what emotional abuse is. It can be hard to define. But maybe you should read about it and try to understand it before deciding that OP’s examples aren’t abusive which you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.

I run cold. If DH opened all the windows on a cold day and I went around shutting them and then he called me abusive for it, I'd laugh myself silly. I have to tell my DD(3) multiple times a day that I can't do things with her because I have to work, and it bums her out, but it's also true. If she were older I would make the connection between my working and us having a house - that's not abusive it's reality.

The point is the worst examples OP can come up with (shutting windows, not leaving work early for a sport event) just aren't that big of a deal. It's not clear whether her DH is trying to joke or trying to frighten his kids, and the kids' reactions seem over the top, and that OTT-ness seems to be actively encouraged by OP.

Like I said: I wouldn't be in a relationship like this. But the way you guys sling "abuse" around OP's DH could come here with the same facts and tell a story about how his spouse is ignoring his temperature requests and hyping up the kids to guilt him about having to work at a job, and if he gender-flipped the post you'd tell him he was being abused and gaslighted too.

Are you really this dense? It’s not about closing the windows or not going to the practice. It’s what he SAID. That’s what emotional abuse is.

Borderline personality disorder. Look it up. The OP's DH plays a good victim but is so crazy dramatic. I'm a woman who runs cold too but man, I don't go around making stupid threats.

Oh, pulease people. Can't you see that OP is a narc? Her description of her kids reaction and how she swoops in to save them is the tipoff. Case in point:

"DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless...
I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later."

Lol

Ding ding ding this person above got it right. He has a personality disorder and therapy will not likely help him.

The things this POS are doing and saying are abusive and this is just one little post. Imagine all the other shit he does not in this little post.

It's king of amazing how people will sit and say his behavior is not abusive when it is horrible. Get this little girl outta there so she does not grow up and think it's okay to have someone talk to her like that.

A personality disorder?? Something tells me he's sick of his wife's shit and he's checked out. He's irritable, not mental.